My dear ESB,
I am slightly disgruntled because I don't quite want to be a part of this bridal party, but there really was no way for me to say no. For various reasons that I won't delve into.
To add on top of the irritation (and slight guilt), the bride wants to "require" us to do our hair and makeup but is not offering to pay for it.
What are your thoughts on this sitch?? I've only been part of weddings where the bride has either paid for it or just let us do our own styling, and these were very close friends of mine. I really don't want to be expected to throw down an extra few hundred dollars for hair and makeup for a wedding that I'm already not keen on being a part of.
I swear I'm trying hard not to be a total bitch...
*****
My thoughts on this sitch are: WHAT. THE. FUCK.
If the bride is that concerned about you being camera ready, SHE GETS TO PAY FOR THE STYLING.
Period. End of story.
Photo by Richard Burbridge for I-D via Fashion Gone Rogue
Agreed. WTF.
ReplyDeleteIf you need a graceful out, you can always just tell her that your quirky hair and sensitive skin require you to do your own.
ReplyDelete100% unreasonable request.
ReplyDeleteTOTALLY UNREASONABLE. I would be honest with her. Just say "I understand you want us to look a certain way. I'm happy to attempt that styling on my own, but I don't have the budget for the professionals."
ReplyDeleteIf she really wants you to look a certain way she should pay for it. Otherwise she can give you some guidelines and let you deal with it yourself.
If you have to lie, I would go with @Mouse's idea- tell her you have allergies to various products or a scalp/skin condition that requires you use your own products etc.
you have to consider the appearance of all the people in the brides court. It sounds to me like she could have some pretty beater looking bunch of friends. In that case she is afraid that if you aren't properly made up you will look like skanks and that will reflect badly on her. and could put a damper on her whole wedding. I would put out the bucks. If she thinks you need it ..you probably do
DeleteCompletely agree. Since you obviously have some reason why you want to play nice, I would just nicely (but firmly) say, "I understand that you want us all to look nice for your pictures, but I simply don't have the budget to pay for a professional." Don't go into any other explanation or excuse because she's bound to try to find away around it. If she pushes the issue, tell her she's welcome to pay for it if it's that important to her.
ReplyDeleteI'd say this is reason to bow OUT of the wedding...totally out of line of her to ask you to pay.
ReplyDeletebe a bridesmaidzilla back.
ReplyDelete"fuck no. i don't have the money for this. you pay."
she'll freak out and have a fit and won't that be fun? :)
you'll win. either way. profess make-up or your own styling, you'll win.
Ooof not cool. You gotta tell her you have to choose between this and groceries and the groceries are winning.
ReplyDeleteI'm not beneath lying in situations like these js. Far more better things to do rather than get into a heated argument with someone who is probably insane over paying/not paying for something.
ReplyDeleteTo pass off as looking nicer than usual I'd just look up some youtube tutorials on hair/makeup, practice once or twice and call it a night. Even then that's more than you have to do, but at least youtube is free.
I like @mouse's graceful response. But I also love @Allyson's 'fuck no.'
ReplyDeleteEither way, she needs to pull her head out her ass and you need to stand up for yourself, either by sticking to your non-pro-makeup-guns or by bowing out all together.
different approaches, different women, it all gets the job done. :)
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ReplyDelete(If I edit a comment I guess it helps if I put it back.)
DeleteBasically I was saying, tell the truth plainly and simply. "I can't afford to do that. If you want to pay, I'd happily join you."
If she gets mad she just plain sucks as a human.
And the voice of reason strikes again!
DeleteOr, as you are trying to be graceful, tell her that you'll go to a department store and get a make up tutorial* from a brand she likes, for the style she wants. Then she might have more faith in your abilities.
ReplyDelete* Over here in the UK you can get these for free most places...they'll try and sell you stuff at the end but, hey, you can brush that off. But almost certainly it'll be cheaper than getting a professional to do it on the day.
This is just same-song, different-verse of the "I don't want to be in the wedding party because it's too expensive and because the bride makes me want to stab myself" sing-along.
ReplyDeleteLook, you're in there. You're about to invest in a horrible dress, a maybe some travel expenses or time off work, and a lot of time. Back out over the make-up expenses, and you risk looking cheap, petty, or like you were never that invested in being a bridesmaid in the first place. Are you sure you can't spin this a different way? Because if it's seriously over the make-up costs, there has got to be a better way to approach this than the childish tact of "You pay or I quit."
My future sisters-in-law all said that they'd stand up for me, and I really hope that they wanted to. But that doesn't mean it's the case. They're travelling a long way (with kids in some cases), taking time off work, buying dresses, and staying in hotels. It isn't a low cost endeavor (no matter how hard I try to make it one), and to ask them to spend an extra $100 on top of it to get their hair and make-up done is such an unreasonable to me that even if I wanted it, I'd never ask them to do it.
DeleteIt's not a small cost, it's an extra not-small cost on top of a bunch of other not-small costs. It doesn't need a nicer spin half as much as this bride needs a dose of realistic expectations.
Is this going to be a wedding or a photoshoot? I think this BM (yea, I went there) thing has gone too far (clearly). Bridesmaids are not little dolls that you get to dress up! They are your friends, your family, designated to support you on one of the biggie days in your life. For fuck's sake, if you are hating on the bride enough to write an anonymous letter to the interwebs bitching about her asking you to pay for hair and makeup, why did you say yes? I know you "don't want to go into it" but if this was someone you truly cared about, wouldn't you slap your happy face on and go get your hair did with the girls? I'm confused. Both of y'all are crazy.
ReplyDeleteBINGO. it sounds like you don't actually want to be a brides maid. don't phone it in -- just don't do it.
DeleteSlapping on your happy face is very different from having to spend hundreds of dollars out of pocket. EVERYONE (brides included) need to stop requiring ANYTHING unless they're paying for it. I'd say the same thing about dresses too. There's NO reason everyone needs to match unless the bride wants it that way and then they should pay for it.
DeleteHas anyone ever said no to being a bridesmaid before without giving an excuse (out of town, illness, etc)? I'm just curious to hear the story because I know I tried and failed. When it comes down to it, I couldn't find the way to say, "I can't be your bridesmaid because I don't want to be." Any stories?
ReplyDeleteIt's a pretty unreasonable request, for sure. It sounds like you don't really want to be a BM (which is totally valid); I would be honest with yourself and ask yourself do you really love this person enough to go through this (and potentially end up resenting them?) If it is yes, I think you should have a talk with the bride and ask to be released from your obligations. Otherwise you will end up bitter, and it will probably ruin the relationship for good.
ReplyDeleteI'm with anon 8:48-- I'd love stories on how to respectfully decline being a bridesmaid w/o ruining a friendship.
ReplyDeletei haven't read the comments but if I'm a bridesmaid for someone that I truly love then I will oblige any request.
ReplyDeletei may have to bitch about it behind her back with a stiff drink but i will certainly oblige.
It's $100 .... Being a bridesmaid is expensive. And that, by the way, is your 'out' if you're really not up for it. "I'd love to be a part of the day and am available to help with any planning, but my financial situation is really stressing me out right now and I don't want to add the extra burden of my needs to your day" ... It doesn't seem that complicated to me to phrase it that way, and if you have a tactful friend, even better, they will know what you're getting at and you all can gracefully move past it. I know my bridesmaids are spending quite a bit of money to participate in everything leading up to the wedding and the wedding itself, and I've been there... Money is a legit. reason to excuse yourself! But that said.... When the bride is shelling out thousands of dollars on her wedding and you are balking at the very last eensy (comparatively.... ) expense.. You're going to come off as a pain in the ass and I doubt she'll have a lot of patience with you. I mean, at this point it's $100, I'd just deal.
ReplyDeleteasking the bridesmaids to spend another $100 on make up is ridiculous! who are these brides?! honestly. I'm getting married next year and am trying to make it as painless for the bridesmaids as possible, they can get a dress they like and can afford, they can do their own hair and make up. none of this forcing them to shell out to throw and attend a million pre-parties. why do brides think that the minute the ring is on it they can act like queen of the world? I just don't think like that, and it's even strange for me when people tell me that I should be acting like that and I should be demanding and delegating to my friends. why? I would never do that in normal life, why now should I demand so much of them other than being there with me and having a blast!
Deletebesides in the UK it's expected that the bride and groom pay for the bridesmaids outfits, hair, shoes, etc. I bet if it was the same in the States, brides would think twice about all the crazy demands.
DeleteIn the US it's seen as this massive responsibility and obligation to the bride, but here it's a favour that they are asking, and an honour.
(I'm American, but live in the UK - so have seen it from both sides)
you should be very careful about having your makeup done by a friend or employee of the bride. the favorite trick of some brides is to have foundation applied that will work with the lighting to cast a greenish glow over your normally radient complexion and you won't know it until the wedding photos arrive. this happened at a wedding that I attended once and the Bridesmaids all were dateless for several years.
DeleteI have a related question. As the bride, I'm planning to have my hair and make-up done professionally. I have 4 bridesmaids. I told them that hair/makeup styling is completely up to them. 3 have said that they would definitely like to have their hair done by a pro (but not makeup) and 1 is undecided, which is all fine. Should I be offering to pay for everyone's hair?
ReplyDeletethat would be very cool of you. the last maid is probably undecided because she can't tell whether or not you're planning to pay
DeleteI think if you can afford to pay for everyone's hair, you should definitely offer. If you can't, and haven't settled on a salon yet, I'd ask them what they think is reasonable to pay and try to find a salon that fits into their budget.
DeleteFor what it's worth, I'm paying for my bridesmaids to get their make up done (they all expressed interest in wanting to) but not paying for their hair. I did find a salon that fit everyone's budget, though, and I'm not requiring them to get their hair done.
Also if any friend might do something kinda crazeballs with hair or makeup if left to do it herself and you might feel panicked about that sort of curveball on your wedding, having pros look after it could make things safer, and no one is out of pocket or the wiser. (yes, I've seen this)
Deletethis is a good chance to come out looking like a real princess and not hacking at the budget too much. Tell them that you will take care of everything and then contact a local beauty school and let them know your request. It would probably help if you claimed to have some kind of terminal sounding illness. remove all the mirrors and make sure the lighting is dim, but supply several bottles of wine..a cheap brand poured into an expensive bottle works here. A local exclusive restaurant would be a good source of expensive labled wine bottles. Once the BM's are feeling no pain they will be very happy with their free do's and you will feel very secure knowing that even tho they look neat and made up..they look pretty grim and nothing will take away from your own radiance
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