So… I have a friend from high school who I love but drives me sorta nuts. Over the last 15 years we’ve gone through waves of super-closeness and have fought and made up mad times. Sort of like a sister I’m glad I’m not actually related to. Currently we live on opposite sides of the globe and are maintaining a nice, drama-free relationship.
A few years back we were living in the same city and a whole bunch of crap went down between us. For a year or so she dated one of my really close friends (someone she was friends with initially too), and inserted herself as a sort of intermediary between me and him. Now, I fully admit that my head wasn’t in the right space during that time (it was all clouded up with my own relationship drama, grad school, etc.) so I didn’t really do my best to preserve my friendship with him. I just sort of let him become “her boyfriend” instead of “my friend,” pouted hard about it and blamed her. My bad. However! She did this intermediary thing with all of our other mutual friends too. As a way of avoiding heavy shit that was going on in her own life, she made it basically her job to be everyone’s best bro. The good-time party gal. And when we would interact, she would always try to one-up me on what she knew about this or that person. She’s still strangely competitive regarding our mutual friends, but to a much lesser degree since she’s a gazillion miles away.
Anyway, I can’t say that I ever bounced back from that time as far as our friendship goes. I am still down to see her / hang out with her and am happy when we do, but I don’t allow myself to invest in her the way I used to. Problem is, the aforementioned drama happened out of sight of our mutual crew of friends, so she’s still largely perceived as my BFF from way back. That means if I have five bridesmaids and she’s not one, shit’s gonna be weird. Like WAY WEIRD. I’m sure people will ask why I didn’t include her. It’s not something I’m looking forward to. Also! This rough patch from a few years ago is something she’s sort of tucked under the rug… like, she knows shit got messed up but she’s not down to talk about why (I've tried, and am way down to admit my role in it too). She’s a First Class Avoider. To that end, I think she expects to be in my wedding as well.
As an added wrinkle, her aforementioned ex is tight with my man and will be one of his groomsmen. Even though I’m sure they’d be adults for our sake, they had the messiest breakup ever and she still talks shit about him.
So I guess I should not include her and start working on my response for when people ask why? Or should I just say fuck it, include her, and move on to worrying about more important things (i.e. what whiskey cocktail to serve)?
Sincerely,
Friend Issues
*****
WHO GIVES A SHIT WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK?
IT'S NONE OF THEIR BEESWAX WHO YOU ASK TO BE YOUR BRIDESMAID.
Photos: Christopher Kane Resort 2011 via I'm Revolting via Link Offload via Studded Hearts
Mm, I mean I agree, if you don't want her in the wedding don't ask her.
ReplyDeleteBut I don't think you always have to be 100% besties with your bridesmaids (do you really have 5 best friends that are always honest with you that you can talk to about anything, if so, lucky). I was recently in a wedding where I am not close to the bride as much anymore, but have been in the past. I think being in her wedding was more of a nod to the past and a desire to stay friends, even if we aren't besties anymore. Anyways, only you can know... only you can know if this is going to be a dealbreaker to her (i.e. end the friendship), and only you can know if you care.
It depends more on how much you want to keep her as a friend, how you want your relationship to be in the future, and how she'll react to being left out. I had a friend who was desperate to be a bridesmaid at my wedding even though we aren't very close anymore. I let her because it mattered so much to her and like anon says ^^^ bridesmaids don't have to be an exclusive club of your absolute besties. But, of course, the decision is ultimately yours.
ReplyDeleteTHAT dress is for me.
ReplyDeleteYES IT IS
DeleteIf nosy ppl ask why she is not in wedding, you could just say you two aren't as close as you once were. Who cares why? This explanation is already more info than the nosy ppl need. It's YOUR wedding.
ReplyDeleteShe lives on the other side of the globe? And she would spend 24 hours in flight for ...? I say go with, "xxx, I want you to be able to just enjoy the day (if shes invited), and party your face off after a flying around the world", and be done with it.
ReplyDeleteThere's no better way to set the rest of the world straight on who your BFF is than to not have this chick up there with you. Two birds and all that.
ReplyDeleteExactly what ESB and Anon 8:05 said.
ReplyDeleteThat dress with green shoes and all would make for one badass bride...
ReplyDeleteThese clothes are really doing it for me.
ReplyDeleteWe all need to learn how to deal with changing friendships and nosey people. Here's your chance.
ReplyDeleteTrust ESB on this one.
25 year rule. Think of yourself looking at your wedding photos 25 years from now and how you'll feel. Then make your decision.
ReplyDeleteNo, she doesn't. You're welcome!
ReplyDeleteJust be clear with her. Tell her straight-out how you feel. Tell her that you care about her but don't feel as close as you once were.
ReplyDeleteThen tell others BEFORE the wedding (and before she has time to get to people if she's upset). Keep this simple, as someone else said above: "We aren't as close as we once were."
Honestly, I relate to her desire just to put the past behind her. I'm not the type of person who likes to talk everything out (both my husband and one of my best friends ARE those kind of people, though, so I often have to do it anyway). It probably was not her explicit intention to be an "intermediary" and she probably just wants to not have weird feelings.
Anyway, you get to decide how YOU feel and how YOU deal with it all.
I agree you shouldn't have her in the wedding party if you don't want to, but it is making quite a statement to her - sort of a defining moment in the relationship. Sometimes including someone because it's 'easier' than not will just take some of the pressure off, just hold your breath and hope she's an adult throughout the whole thing. I've asked my crazy sister because normal expectations would indicate that I should, and it means enough to her that it's actually been sort of worth it. She's stepping up to the role.
ReplyDeleteagree agree agree, the effort it took to write this post is more than this question deserves.
ReplyDeleteWhat ESB and Anon 8:05 and EyeHeartLife said.
ReplyDeleteI didn't include my old childhood bestie. I was torn about it for a while. But when it came down to it - we're not as close as we once were, and I have other friends who have filled her role for the past (almost) 10 years. I did ask her to be involved in another way - we got hitched at my old summer camp, and friday evening as we were rehearsal dinner-ing, I asked her to be the camp check-in coordinator (essentially, I parked her at the entrance of camp with a bottle of wine and she told people which cabins they were staying in as they arrived)... Even though she felt a little shafted (and yes, people asked - but not as much as I was expecting), it helped lessen the blow giving her other responsibilities. Bottom line - it's only drama if you give in to the drama. Do what makes you happy.
ReplyDeleteauste: You 'included' your old bestie by giving her the opportunity to hang out by herself in a parking lot with a bottle of wine and give people directions? Ouch.
ReplyDeleteok - it sounds a little d-baggy... BUT it wasn't in the parking lot, it was under a lovely apple tree at a picnic table and she ended up making a PARTY out of it... everyone would drop their shit off in their cabins and ended up going back down to her perch with bottles of booze and they were kicking it til 3am.... After the rehearsal dinner we all went over to join in. She was pretty stoked to have created the non-rehearsal dinner party vibe.
DeleteCan we just talk about the photos you included with this post for a second? Ah-may-zing. So many hearts.
ReplyDeletei think if your first instinct was to not include her and you're currently trying to justify why you should have her in the bridal party, then i think that's your answer. you don't really want her as a bridesmaid and that's ok. as i'm planning my own wedding, i realise how much it becomes about what other people want and not what you want.
ReplyDeleteDon't ask her to be in your wedding if your concern is that people will ask you why she isn't a bridesmaid if you choose not to have her as one. Do you really have that many friends that would bring a subject like that up? If so, they lack tact, and it doesn't matter what they think b/c it's not their wedding.
ReplyDeleteIf your concern is that, by not asking her, you will damage your relationship with her. Then this deserves more thought.
amen.
ReplyDeleteyeah, the only time i recommend just sucking it up and having someone you aren't thrilled about is when it's a family member and it would cause more annoyance/drama/effort to exclude the person than it would be to include them. a friend? who cares if people wonder?
ReplyDelete@ esb - how did you get a reply function to work? i have been researching that FOREVER and have always failed.
WHOA. It just showed up on my blog too. Blogger finally got with the program, I guess. Thank god. No more @'s necessary.
Deleteyep. it just appeared last night. WOOT!
DeleteNo she does not have to be a bridesmaid. I had a friend from childhood that I chose to include... big mistake. We WERE close in elementary school but then we just grew apart checking in on bdays and such. Worst mistake was including her in my wedding. She called me bridezilla and made fun of me on my wedding day. She picked fights with me and my moh and tried to cancel my bridal shower.
ReplyDeleteYour bridal party should be made up of people you care about.
Hmmm... Personally I would not include her and maybe say that you needed all of your bridesmaids to be living near you to help plan. You could also say that you didn't have enough money to cover her dress and flowers. Or you could simply tell the truth.
ReplyDeleteIf you expect this girl to fly half way around the world for you, the least you can do for her is allow her to stand beside you in an ugly dress and shower you with attention. For god's sake.
ReplyDeleteThis "friend" sounds like trouble. Leave her out of your wedding party. No one with any sense will ask why you didn't include her. And no, ESB is right, it is no one's business who you choose to be in your wedding party.
ReplyDelete