Thursday, December 22, 2011

a simple request


Dear ESB

I am a long time fan of your blog, although I never thought I'd be writing to you. You seem to be able to help your readers with the most awesome dresses, rings and other advice. I don't mean to gush but you really are a fairy godmother.

I know you'll be able to help me because you are just that good.

I am planning to get married next Summer and as I'm a girl in my thirties, I should have an envy-inspiring wedding. I really think I have wasted the last 30 years by not planning for this event.  I am going to marry the most awesome guy - he's handsome, funny and runs a business making educational toys from reclaimed timber. In his spare time, he plays the drums in a band and volunteers for animal rescue. He's 6'1" and has the cutest beard.

My dress is made of fair trade, organic, carbon neutral hemp (no polyester please) in an 80s punk style. Also, there is lace, lots of lace. This is vintage, which I picked up on a (carbon-offset) trip to Belgium. I will be three months pregnant so this will help conceal my baby bump. I also have some awesome vintage killer heels that stop my dress looking like a monstrosity. I was originally thinking barefoot, but that limited my choice of wedding venue due to the risk of needle-stick injuries in public parks or beaches. Also, it would make me look really short next to my guy.

My outfit, hair, makeup, rings, venue, menu and invites are all sorted. I just need you help for one little part - I haven't found the groom as yet. I'm not too picky, other than the criteria above. 

Thanking you in advance

Your Biggest Fan

PS good luck. 

PPS ok I'm taking the piss but I think this is probably a simpler task that some of the requests that crazies send to you

*****

You know the old saw: You'll never find the guy until you've planned the wedding.

YOUR CARPENTER IS JUST AROUND THE CORNER

Photo: Jessica Lange + Sam Shepard by Bruce Weber for Vanity Fair, 1984
______________________________

happy happy happy, you guys. i'll see you in the new year!
Posted by esb at 10:41 AM

21 comments:

  1. ToniaDecember 22, 2011 at 10:50 AM

    awwwww :) i know a guy that fits the bill, and he's single.

    but, are you willing to be a hobby farmer in veroqua, wi? because his passion is using draft horses for farming and logging.

    he also plays the banjo and has a great singing voice.

    ReplyDelete
  2. paiiigeDecember 22, 2011 at 10:54 AM

    Can this "bride" please start a Peanut Free Mom-esque twitter account??

    ReplyDelete
  3. AnonymousDecember 22, 2011 at 10:54 AM

    OH my.

    All I have to say is this: I am sad that Sam and Jessica have split up.

    ReplyDelete
  4. nikkiDecember 22, 2011 at 11:14 AM

    hahaha I love that Tonia has offered up a guy

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  5. laurenDecember 22, 2011 at 11:20 AM

    i think she's marrying joe. awkward.

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  6. 17 beats.December 22, 2011 at 11:52 AM

    i'm confused.

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  7. wool and miscDecember 22, 2011 at 12:21 PM

    this person will wear your skin around.

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  8. HalfPintDecember 22, 2011 at 1:11 PM

    Finally, a real request.

    *bow to the subitter.*

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  9. JessDecember 22, 2011 at 1:58 PM

    so funny.

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  10. MollyDecember 22, 2011 at 5:33 PM

    I'm so thankful for the crazies out there. They make me feel normal.

    ReplyDelete
  11. 17 beats.December 22, 2011 at 6:47 PM

    Wool and Misc ... "it puts the corsage on the lapel."

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  12. 17 beats.December 22, 2011 at 6:47 PM

    hee hee. i'm just being naughty. good luck finding Mr. Right. :-)

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  13. CeliaDecember 22, 2011 at 7:36 PM

    i miss you already.

    p.s. hands down, top three best dear esbies EVER.

    ReplyDelete
  14. me melodiaDecember 23, 2011 at 7:08 AM

    ever.

    ReplyDelete
  15. me melodiaDecember 23, 2011 at 7:08 AM

    ever.

    ReplyDelete
  16. me melodiaDecember 23, 2011 at 7:08 AM

    ever.

    ReplyDelete
  17. AsiyaDecember 23, 2011 at 7:36 AM

    ditto Celia.

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  18. "T-Bone" LeeDecember 23, 2011 at 2:06 PM

    thank god this was a goof. i was starting to really hate this bride half way through.

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  19. AnonymousDecember 28, 2011 at 8:20 AM

    hahahaha. best post I've seen here yet.

    ReplyDelete
  20. ColleenDecember 29, 2011 at 5:35 PM

    Loved this. Made me giggle. I was getting ready to start a rant.

    ReplyDelete
  21. anabela / fieldguidedJanuary 2, 2012 at 8:38 AM

    10/10, thumbs way up

    ReplyDelete