Okay. I like lists, so we're doing lists.
1) I'm young, and engaged. Been dating about 3.5 years, happier than I've ever been, sap sap happy tears blah.
2) We want to get married. Partially for financial reasons, as I would be officially independent of my parents in a legal manner [I don't know about most states, but here you're considered dependent until you're 24 or emancipated or married], and because of the military benefits, but also because of the security in case he gets deployed [he wants to be able to take care of me, etc].
3) My parents are pissed, his overjoyed. I have an extended family [divorces and remarriages in the grandparents, so I have step-cousins coming out my ears] that want so desperately to see a wedding [as I'm the oldest and the first to get married off], but no one is writing a check for anything. I managed to get my budget around $3,500, and figured out a way to get that much money [helloooooo, tax returns!] but then realized that's almost exactly how much we're in debt... and I'd rather be out of debt and married in some back yard shin dig than more in debt.
4) So, back yard shin dig it is.
5) If I want to eventually have a "wedding" [because, yes, I want my day in my pretty dress, shuddup] what should we call it? What should the "occasion" be?
I feel stupid right now, like I'm doing this all wrong. I wish I could just be married and be done with it because stupid family drama and he doesn't quite get why it bothers me because he has no family past his parents and their respective new spouses. He's all oh hey let's just go down to the courthouse now and I'm all but that would crush my family's collective heart but I feel stupid because it's my day or something but not really but ugggghhhhhhh.
*****
1. If you get married now you can't have a "wedding" four years from now. That would be like celebrating your 21st birthday when you turn 25.
2. What's wrong with a backyard shindig?
Photo: Vika Falileeva by Nyra Lang for Deutsch Magazine via Fashion Gone Rogue
Backyard shindig in a pretty dress.
ReplyDeletebuy a kickass white dress, hire a photographer, do your flowers and hair and whatever else you want for your "real wedding." just get it done at city hall instead, and invite your whole.fucking.family to stand outside on the steps with confetti/sparklers/balloons/whatever. way more of a big moment than walking down an aisle while everyone stares at you. then drive away in your car/pickup/horse and buggy with tin cans and party the night away in your backyard. your cousins won't be pissed, because they'll be so caught up in the moment waiting for you to walk out that door a hitched woman. and if they are pissed, get over it. you can't please everyone. (plus if you're under 24, what are they, like, 16? since when does anyone other than 16 year olds care what 16 year olds think of them?)
ReplyDeleteit sounds suspiciously like you are planning a vow renewal before you even get married
ReplyDeleteyou can still wear a pretty dress in the backyard!!! do this, debt-free, in the backyard. find a pretty dress. rock it.
ReplyDeletethe end.
ps-planning a second wedding in the future is like begging for round two of family drama. believe me on that one.
City hall now, wedding in one year. I did it and it ruled.
ReplyDeleteI hate that crap: we want a wedding, just not to pay for one. You know, I want a pony, doesn't mean I'm getting one either. Life is disappointment. Do what is best for you and the hell with everyone else. They'll get over it. If they give you lip, say that the money fairy didn't visit.
ReplyDeleteI'm for the shindig too, but did I miss understand? It sounded like they don't have any money because it is going to pay off the debt(which it should be). Even shindigs cost money, especially when you add on a kickass dress and photographer as Z suggested. If you can afford a shindig, though, have a shindig, you can not have a wedding later. In the long run, I don't think you will regret not having all the big wedding stuff.
ReplyDeleteThis is confusing. Your parents are pissed you're getting married, but your family would be disappointed if you didn't have a wedding? Decide what YOU WANT. Hint: get married if you want to be a WIFE, not if you want a wedding that you can or cannot afford. I'm also in the camp that you can either do a quiet courthouse marriage, with a 'real' wedding later, OR you can do a cute backyard shindig with the dress + dancing, but not both.
ReplyDeleteYour plan for a backyard shindig is your *wedding* right??? That sounds lovely. Why can't you wear a pretty but inexpensive dress to that?
ReplyDeleteYou don't really get to have another wedding. I mean, you can do a vow renewal, but people aren't usually excited to go to a vow renewal if they already went to that same couple's wedding and it wasn't at least 25 years ago. Or you can go to city hall and do a reception in a fancy white dress at a later date. But you don't get both a modest shindig wedding and huge fancy wedding. You get one wedding.
If you cannot afford a fancy wedding, do not have one. You don't need one.
I was in a similar position money-wise. I could either put $1000 (a third of our wedding budget) towards my wedding, or quit my part-time job in order to ensure I passed my Masters degree. I honestly can't tell you how happy I was at my backyard shindig wedding in my $30 dress, knowing that I'd made the right choice for *now* and the right choice for my future.
ReplyDeleteBig weddings are brilliant for so many reasons, but if it's only going to lead to stress and debt, it's really not a wise choice.
Whoa, my brain is swarming. I feel like someone did speed before writing to ESB.
ReplyDeleteYou gotta pick, lady. But you gotta pick as to what's right for you, not what's right for your family. And, um, do you really want to get all stressballz about planning a big fancy wedding ... evar? Get a killer, cheap dress, hang up some mason jars with tea lights and dance the night away in the back yard.
Embrace the backyard wedding. If your family is so eager to have it, let them be a part of it. I would go full force potluck style, keep it super simple and relaxed. It'll be charming.
ReplyDeleteIf you want a huge blow out wedding, you'll have to wait to pay for it. And it sounds like you don't want to wait.
You're making all this unduly complicated - you don't *owe* ANYONE (even yourself) an expensive wedding. You don't really need a photographer so long as you have a polaroid camera or something. You don't have to spend $$$$$ on a dress. You can find inexpensive vintage wedding bands. Your guy can wear a suit he already has. You string up some fairy lights in the back yard and you can ask for people to bring a dish and a bottle to the party instead of/as a wedding present. Done!
ReplyDeleteI should hire myself out as a wedding planner, no?
Cx
Get married AND pay down your debt however you can now. Then throw yourself a slamming 5th anniversary party when the time comes (at which, if you must, I suppose you could renew your vows).
ReplyDeleteTrue, you won't be wearing a wedding dress, but many modern brides (esb-reading types?) don't wear a wedding-specific dress to get married in anyway.
backyard shindig, BYOB/W and potluck side dishes, appetizers, dessert, you order the main meat or tasty veggie/vegan option and sheet cake, strings of lights, candles in jars, wicked iPod playlist on kickass speaker system (fiance or his buddy has to have something) or rent it, 1 MOH (sorry people don't need 5, 6 or 8 BMs), 1 bestman, bouquets, corsages, spend the $ on the photographer, and find a great dress from a non-wedding dress store, your guy in a suit or his military uniform. Tables? bring some dinning tables, folding tables outside, rent folding chairs if you must. Guaranteed you can afford it.
ReplyDeleteDamn, girl. Your family confuses me. How can they be upset about your marriage and refuse to contribute to a wedding, but STILL demand that you have one? I would just have a super quiet, just-you-two courthouse ceremony, and save up for a wedding over the course of the next 6-12 months and have it then. By then you could be out of debt and have a couple grand in the bank, right?
ReplyDeleteAlso: congrats on being young and in love and super happy! No matter how everything wedding-related shakes out, you got the right stuff nailed down already.
Haha, bridesmaids are BMs. Hilarious.
ReplyDeleteI love that line about celebrating turning 21 when you turn 25. ESB's totally right - you only really get one wedding, so make it the one you want to have. I'm not saying cheap out or go into debt, but if marriage is really important to you, maybe split the debt payments with a small, kick-ass wedding and do both things you want to do?
Ok, this is probably crazy, but how bout you pay down $2500 of your debt, and spend the remaining $1000 to make the backyard blast awesome and buy a kickass dress? You'll get your debt paid down and hopefully lower your monthly payments, and still get to have a great party.
ReplyDeleteyes, but don't underestimate the cost of a backyard wedding either... especially if you have to invite (and feed? and liquor up?) the whole fam damily.
ReplyDeleteif the point is you just want to be MARRIED, you don't NEED to have a party to do that. just do the legal bit and get married at the courthouse. Have the reception/party later when you have the money for it. duh.
ReplyDeleteI had a small casual backyard wedding in my $200 dress, with my ipod as the dj, a friend for a photographer, and a homemade wedding cake and still ended up spending over $5000. I think the options are to pay off the debt with no wedding, or to have a backyard or city hall wedding. Not both. And definitely nothing fancier than a backyard or a city hall wedding.
ReplyDelete