you can has BACHELORS!

The "simple request" post was a parody. (Go read A Modest Proposal. Srsly. It will make you smarter.)

However.

The fact remains that many of you weirdos reading this wedding blog are SINGLE. And not all happily so.

So when Tonia started offering up her adorable single male friends, I figured why not start, well, okay, not a dating site exactly, but a dating page. Featuring the adorable single male friends of esb readers.

What do you think??

Image via Katie Evans! via HelloGiggles

SOS: The Honeymoon is off -- where can we mini-moon in Minneapolis next week??

Dear ESB,

This last week, I was in a horrible car accident on the way home from picking up my wedding dress. I am lucky to be alive (I have 4 fractures in my pelvis, 2 cracked ribs, and a tear on my liver). We have to decided that the wedding will go on, despite the fact that I will not be able to walk down the aisle on my own (crutches or a walker, not sure which yet).

We also decided that the SUPER FUN honeymoon we had planned for Hawaii, cannot go on. I can't be in a car for that long, and I wouldn't be up for the hiking, snorkeling, & general adventures to be had in the sunshine.

So here's where I'm hoping you (or your readers) can help. Any suggestions for a cool "mini moon" within 2 hours of the Twin Cities, Minnesota? I know it's a long shot, but also worth a try.

Thanks for any help you can provide! And by the way, we're getting married January 1st, so the help is needed ASAP.  :)

*****

LADYPANTS

I'm so glad you're okay.

I don't know anything about Minneapolis/the Twin Cities, but I'm throwing this out to anyone who does. You deserve a spectacular mini-moon (obvs).

Keep in touch, will you?

♥ 

Image via Pinterest. Does anyone know who the artist is?

a simple request

Dear ESB

I am a long time fan of your blog, although I never thought I'd be writing to you. You seem to be able to help your readers with the most awesome dresses, rings and other advice. I don't mean to gush but you really are a fairy godmother.

I know you'll be able to help me because you are just that good.

I am planning to get married next Summer and as I'm a girl in my thirties, I should have an envy-inspiring wedding. I really think I have wasted the last 30 years by not planning for this event.  I am going to marry the most awesome guy - he's handsome, funny and runs a business making educational toys from reclaimed timber. In his spare time, he plays the drums in a band and volunteers for animal rescue. He's 6'1" and has the cutest beard.

My dress is made of fair trade, organic, carbon neutral hemp (no polyester please) in an 80s punk style. Also, there is lace, lots of lace. This is vintage, which I picked up on a (carbon-offset) trip to Belgium. I will be three months pregnant so this will help conceal my baby bump. I also have some awesome vintage killer heels that stop my dress looking like a monstrosity. I was originally thinking barefoot, but that limited my choice of wedding venue due to the risk of needle-stick injuries in public parks or beaches. Also, it would make me look really short next to my guy.

My outfit, hair, makeup, rings, venue, menu and invites are all sorted. I just need you help for one little part - I haven't found the groom as yet. I'm not too picky, other than the criteria above. 

Thanking you in advance

Your Biggest Fan

PS good luck. 

PPS ok I'm taking the piss but I think this is probably a simpler task that some of the requests that crazies send to you

*****

You know the old saw: You'll never find the guy until you've planned the wedding.

YOUR CARPENTER IS JUST AROUND THE CORNER

Photo: Jessica Lange + Sam Shepard by Bruce Weber for Vanity Fair, 1984
______________________________

happy happy happy, you guys. i'll see you in the new year!

They're heeeeeeere: CHIHUAHUA IN A FAUX FUR wedding pics!!!

(click to enlarge)

Okay, yeah. So basically I am obsessed with Parker.  But me melodia + the new hubs are pretty cute, too.

It was a fluke 86 degrees in Boston in October. Say Byebye to my fox stole.

I wanted to go with a cabinet of wonder theme. Bones, geodes and curiosities.

The boy had his suit custom made. Yay Irish tweeds and vintage buttons. (Poor guy didn't think it'd be that warm.)

I went for a simple raw silk nautical inspired dress (Jorge Manuel). I'm sorta considering recycling. I'd like some splurge cash and I'm sure the gown would make someone happy.

Anyways, we got married in the largest bird sanctuary in the NE, the John James Audubon Habitat in Belmont, MA. Lots of flora and fauna.

We borrowed a 57 porsche speedster... We were pleased to spot a huge buck on our newlywed drive. So sexy.

After the wedding we went back to the Lenox Hotel, smooched on the rooftop and then were surprised by love knots left on our bed. The last shot is us in our "Judy Garland" suite. The door was so bling that it had a camera. 

The guys we worked with just "got us." They gave us the flat Victorian marital portrait shot we wanted. Just perfect!

Ayyyyyyy! 

(Photos by Avena Studios. Check out a bunch more here and here)

What do Angelenos wear in DECEMBER?

Dear ESB,

I've studied the What To Do In LA series (there are FIVE POSTS!) but I need you to tell me what to wear the last week in December so everyone won't know I'm from Seattle.

xoxo

*****

During the day, when the temps range from 63-72, rock a scarf with a short-sleeved tee. To an Angeleno, anything below 73 = CHILLY and anyway scarves make us feel like we have SEASONS!

(A beanie, or "toque" as I prefer to call it, given my Canadian roots, is worn year-round by the LA dude. It does not signify winter.)

At night, when the temps range from 39-46, do not dress warmly enough. Instead, act like whatever I'M WEARING MY OPEN-TOED SANDALS and just throw on a parka. Which you will wear all night, wherever you go, because none of the old houses are properly heated/insulated and all the restaurants will seat you outside.

Also: If water should happen to fall from the sky, don't get all daredevil and act like you know how to drive in it. That will give you away for sure.

Photo by Maya of Turned Out
______________________________
Note: H says, "Remind your husband not to comment on the open-toed sandals."

Hooray, I'm taking notes!

A super cute hipster (no, really) just sent me a set of these notebooks for book readers, and they are fantastic.

I honestly can't decide whether to keep them or give them to my niece. Would she appreciate them or would they just feel like a homework assignment? Could I actually get myself to take notes the next time I read a book??

Last time I tried it was years ago when I decided to make a list of all the words I had to look up while reading Infinite Jest. I wish I had that list NOW.

Okay then, it's settled. I'm keeping the notebooks.


p.s. READ THE PRINTED WORD, YOU GUYS

fuck the kindle



etc.

Do I have to invite the pill-popper??

Dear ESB,

I have a guest list dilemma.

My late father's second wife and widow--I guess she's technically my ex-stepmother--is a problem. Frankly, she's an alcohol-abusing, pill-addled, semi-incoherent train wreck who has behaved outrageously and dressed provocatively at family events in the past, including funerals. I hate to make light of what is actually a sad situation, but I'm extremely uncomfortable around her and always have been. My stepfather (he raised me, and he's paying) is quite proper, as is my fiance's family. My dad's relatives can't stand her. My fiance hasn't met her. I don't live in the city where I grew up, and I avoid her when I'm in town.

But, they had a son together, my (half) brother, who is now in his late teens and living at home with her. My dad's sister actually tried to get custody of him when our dad died because of this woman's craziness. Though I'm way older and we didn't grow up together, we keep in touch and have a friendly relationship, he's a sweet kid, and of course I want him to be there. He's the only reason I've had to interact with her. But I've never told him I have a problem with his mom. They both know I'm engaged. And the wedding's going to be in my hometown. But he has a car, a cell phone, and his own life.

Is there any way I can somehow not invite her? If I have to, what do I do with her? 

-Out of step

*****

Here's how you don't invite your stepmonster: Don't send her an invitation.

Send one to your brother, then call him and explain all of the above. (I suspect none of it will come as a shock.)

Photo by Aram Bedrossian for Lovecat via Charles Hall via Fashionising

Do I give her advice or keep my mouth shut??

Dear ESB,

What do you do when one of your best friends (super creative, fashion-forward, beautiful, artist), recently engaged, just sent you a picture of her wedding dress and.... and you seriously thought it was a joke and waited a whole day for the "JK! Hahahaha" follow-up text message but it never came and turns out she's seriously going to wear that dress. With Toms shoes, to boot.

The dress was "a super great deal!!!" on a sale rack, and she is apparently obsessed with saving money on this wedding because her parents gave her a chunk of change for it, but instead of using the money on the wedding she wants to pocket it, so she is going major-low-budg on the wedding. As in, wants to not even serve the guests dinner.

So really my main worry is that she's going to cause some negative feelings when her guests travel across the country to celebrate her big day and then don't even get a hot meal! What are we supposed to do, run down the street to Chipotle before the dance?

Should I give her some advice here or shut my mouth?

-It's Her Party and She Can Starve Everyone if She Wants To.

*****

YOU HAVE TO TELL HER.

ALL OF IT.

Weirdly I am more upset about the fashion thing than the food thing. (I wish one of my friends had mentioned that the stupid $80 dress I bought off the sale rack was so. not. me. before I bought two pairs of shoes + a pair of earrings to go with it.)

Photo: Jeana Sohn for Wren

Sexiest hair tutorial EVAR

Warning: If you watch it you will want Fred to make love to you.

American men, why are you not more FRENCH?

(Thx Rachael!)

you have meddled with the primal forces of nature, mr. beale

From my inbox:

"We regret to inform you that your order for Blossom Organics Natural Moisturizing Lubricant 4 oz had to be cancelled.

Due to an unusual spike in demand for the item you ordered, we had unexpectedly ran out of stock. All of our efforts to try and locate the item among all of our suppliers were unsuccessful."

I think Blossom Organics owes you a holiday card.

xo
Evie

*****

IT'S THE ESB BUMP YOU GUYS

I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS DAY

Dear ESB, why is the internet so STUPID.

Thought you might enjoy this Google “smart ad” that has been popping up after reading your blog! The shoes totally class up the dress, right?

*****

Omigah.

I recently googled "Neptune Society" (don't ask. and FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON'T LOOK IT UP) and now I get their uber creepy ads all over the place.

Help me put a ring on it

Hey, ESB. 

I'm getting married next September and am having the ever-popular accessory dilemma. I'm wearing this dress, a David's Bridal original (hey, I embrace my inner cheap and trashy bride. Plus, it has pockets), and I'm replacing the plastic bling with a brooch of my mom's.

My mom died just as I started puberty, and I've had thirteen years to get used to this life without her. Wedding planning turns everything I've gotten used to on its head, and the day will be bittersweet in her absence. My future mother-in-law wants to do something special to recognize my mom's life--I've already vetoed an empty chair and a song in her honor--so I'm choosing to do so with my accessories (my mom had amazingly awesome accessories). 

I realllly want to wear her wedding ring, but I'll be wearing my engagement ring on my right hand and my wedding band on the left that day; my mom's ring only fits on my ring fingers, as I inherited her hands (and her laugh and the way she signed the "N" in our last name). The obvious answer is to wear the ring on a chain as a necklace, but I'm open to and hoping for suggestions. So, lay it on me, pretty please. 

Thanks!

P.S. If you have any ideas about some sort of hair something that's not a veil, I'd love to hear them, too. 

*****

Wearing your mom's ring on a chain around your neck makes the whole thing too much about her and her wedding ring when it should be about you and your wedding ring.

Either MAKE IT YOUR WEDDING RING (why wouldn't you? it fits!) or tie a blue ribbon around it and carry it in your pocket.

As for "some sort of hair something that's not a veil" -- YOU GUYS MAKE ME TIRED. You know that, right? I love you, but you make me so tired.

EPISODE 2, BITCHES

We're still not up on iTunes.

Whatever.

Just play it here, it's only two minutes.

remember our hella rad down-to-earth bride?

You know, the GORGEOUS 4-months-pregnant-and--oopsy, was I allowed to say that?--glowing one?

Guess who her bff is? (pictured in red above)

Hi ESB,

You may remember that I wrote to you a few months back about my best friend's wedding, and how I couldn't really afford the travel to go. You put me in touch with one of your dear readers who had kindly offered me her frequent flyer miles. 

The wedding ended up being so beautiful and so much fun, and I'm so grateful that I was able to go. They had it in the Redwoods and had their reception dinner at Pizzaiolo, it was the best food I've ever had at a wedding!

Anyway, I just wanted to say that you and your blog, the dear readers, and my best friend... You all make me see the beauty in this World. 

Sincerely,
Girl who wanted to go to her best friend's wedding but also wanted to eat

I was too snotty to post this blurry iphone pic, but I ♥ it.

Also, I ♥ THIS BLOG x one hundred thousand million. You guys are the best.

(Photos by John + Louise Weddings)

BIG BUNZ

This Dream Bun DIY kinda makes me wish I had more hair.

Not only does it look more doable than the Beauty Dept version, it is MORE BIGGARR.

The secret: an athletic sock donut. (or two.)

Sloane Sera for Opening Ceremony via What Possessed Me

Can I just go ahead and buy the dress already?!

Dear ESB,

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 7.5 years. We live together. We are actively and energetically looking for a beautiful, inexpensive, antique (or vintage or estate or used or whatever) ring for me. It’s taking a while because I am determined to find the perfect ring. But despite the delay, we ARE going to get married.

But we aren’t *engaged* yet. YET.

So of course, I am already obsessed with all the beautiful wedding-type stuff I can possibly find. Of course. And I happened to find I a dress online that I LOVE. It isn’t a wedding dress, but a beautiful off-the-rack long dress from a very popular national chain store. I love it. I want to get married in it. No matter what kind of wedding we have (we are contemplating a small courthouse wedding with reception afterwards or a small destination wedding with our families and closest friends), this dress will work. It is beautiful and versatile, and I am OBSESSED with it. For the past two weeks, I have pulled it up online at least twice a day just to gaze at it. And it is very affordable by general wedding dress standards. About $500. 

And I am afraid that if I wait until we are engaged, the season will have passed and this store will no longer carry my dress. Or that my dress will sell out.

So, do I go ahead and buy it?  

I am really hesitant to buy my wedding dress before I am even officially engaged (aren’t I jinxing it?), and I am worried that I will be missing out on the mother-daughter shopping for wedding dresses thing. Oh, and it is more money than I have ever paid for any article of clothing in my life (or ever will). In wedding dress terms, it is a steal. But still, plopping down the debit card for $500 for a dress that I love and hope to someday wear for my as-yet-unplanned wedding just seems scary! And it just seems so momentous – like, screw the ring, this is the moment when we officially become engaged . . .

What do you think?  Buy the dress, or wait for the proposal and the traditional dress shopping thing? 

Thanks,
Forget the rock, get me an engagement frock!

*****

Fuck yeah, buy it. (If only to try it on and return it and get the damn thing out of your system. Otherwise it will always be The One That Got Away.)

Photo by Jens Ingvarsson via Pennyweight via Anabela Carneiro

who's up for a SHOPPING CHALLENGE?

Dear ESB,

I don't like most wedding dresses. No bling, no cupcakey skirts, no heavy polyester satin for me. I've done quite a bit of shopping and trying-on and what I've mostly liked are simpler bridesmaid's dresses, many of which don't come in ivory because they're less expensive and the manufacturers want to funnel you into a more expensive dress with the bridal palette. Or they're less expensive and do come in ivory but are some hot heavy synthetic material that will try to kill me in the North Carolina late June weather. (It's not that I hate polyester, but a polyester fitted dress in late June in NC seems like a terrible idea). I'm nearing the end of the window for ordering a "traditional" wedding dress at all... but I thought you might be able to help.

I've been with my man for 10 years and we're finally tying the knot in an non-traditional ceremony officiated by our oldest friend followed by a big party at my parents' farm in NC. It will be outdoors with a tented BBQ dinner and live bluegrass music in the barn. There are many things about us and our wedding that are not typical, and the "dress" has already been changed to "outfit" in my references. I've promised everyone that I won't be naked, but I've also realized that I do want to stay in the bridal palette, sort of. 

Here's what I know: I'm 5'9" and a size 16-18 on top, 12-14 on bottom. In order to look balanced and maximize my curves I need structure for my girls (and would like straps but can add them later if I need them) and something with some shape and/or length to flow off my hips. I can't do an empire waist; it makes me look preggers. No puffy cupcake skirt or rhinestone bling for me. A structured asymmetrical fabric fold/flower is something I've liked on a one-shoulder dress, but otherwise I'm not into most ruffles either. I like it simple and classy, even if that is a bit old school. I looked at some vintage stuff, but my size is pretty awkward for most of that stuff. But then I thought about separates...

What about an ivory or silver skirt in a light taffeta or silk? What about a simple and sexy bustier or corset top or structured dressy tank in ivory or silver? I could get behind paying $800-ish total for an interesting vaguely-bridal wedding outfit that won't make me sweat to death and which I could wear again as separates. I live in PA about 3 hours from DC or Philly or the NYC, so I can get to some good shopping on a weekend road trip, but I need to be strategic about it. And the internets are too big for me to conquer alone.

Any help from you and your readers would be awesome and much appreciated.

Thanks,
Frustrated-in-central-PA

*****

Apparently big girls ONLY WEAR SYNTHETIC FABRICS?

What is going on. I need help.

Photo: Crystal Renn by Luis Sanchis for Harper's Bazaar

I don't even know how to title this one

Hello ESB, 

Long time reader. First time writer. In the middle of my engagement my parents' thirty year marriage has for lack of a better word has exploded like a Sponge bob pinata at a birthday party. 

The day I was wedding dress shopping with my mother, my father was on vacation in the Caribbean with his mistress of twelve years. Understandably, my mother was upset but decided for my sake that she would not divorce my father until after a wedding which is next May. I told her I would go with her to the courthouse

My father knows this. He continues to see his mistress (whose name and address I known since I was fourteen) every weekend since his vacation this summer. We know he's with her because he makes a show of it and disappears for days upon end. He's doing all this because he knows my mother wants everything to be perfect for the wedding. 

My mother is miserable and hurt. She continues to stay with my father out of concern that he will do one or all of the following if she files for divorce from him before the wedding: 

1. he will refuse to pay for my wedding out of anger at her which he offered to do from the beginning. I never asked but he has been insistent since he missed out on a large chunk of my childhood he wants to make it up to me. 

2. he will bring his mistress to the wedding and flaunt her in front of my mother (my brother has threatened to kick his ass if he does this) Personally if he wants to do this nonsense, he can go to someone else's wedding not ours

3. he will be a complete dick at the wedding and ruin everything.

Today my mother was in tears about the way my father is treating her. She doesn't know if she can make it until May and is upset that my special day will be ruined. My mother can not pay for the wedding by herself (she busted her butt putting both my brother and I through college and continues to support the household without any help from my father).

I want my mother to be happy and not have to deal with this nonsense. She wants me to have a nice family wedding and not have to deal with any of this family stuff. 

My fiance and I have been considering getting married at City Hall so that all the family tension will be over.  

What should we do? I need your wisdom

*****

First of all, REALLY? IS THIS EVEN A QUESTION??

2. You do realize it takes more than a trip to the courthouse to get a divorce? Right now I'm much more concerned about your mom than your stupid wedding.

Patricia Van Der Vliet By Ellen Von Unwerth For Grey Magazine

UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES ARE YOU TO WEAR THIS SHOE

I am a lover of Tom's shoes and this shoe is amazing. You can wear it with jeans or something very dressy. Taking on a cruise and plan to wear them both ways. A lot of shoe for the money.

Dart, Houston
Age: over 64

Did your mother boycott your wedding??

Dear ESB:

A friend of mine is marrying a really awful person. He's mentally abusive/controlling, uses my friend, and is possibly (probably) marrying her for her money. Joke's on him since her mother changed her will now that he is in the picture. But I digress! He's kind of turned my friend into this weirdo I don't recognise who now hates her mother b/c he's brainwashed her into thinking her mom's a bad person, which she really isn't. He gets angry on the rare occasion she talks with her mother, follows her movements, all kinds of stuff that she says she's okay with (it's b/c he loves her!). Basically she's marrying her father/mom's asshole ex-husband (don't get me started on him). 

I've known this girl since she was born, her mother is like a second mother to me, she is one of the only people outside my family who I can trust (and it's probably due to the fact she -is- like family to me!). Granted, she is rather conservative, and the girl rebelled quite a bit at university, but I didn't think she'd end up hating her mother like this. It's to the point where she has /no/ friends, doesn't speak to family, and this all started during her 2nd year of university when she met this knob-head. He's the only guy she's ever dated/been with, etc, I feel like he preyed on her because of that, like she was an easy target. I mean, 3 months into dating him we went out while she was in town and she said she can't tell him we're going out because he needs to be with her when she does. She accidentally answered her mobile and he chewed her out to the point where she stopped having fun and wanted to leave.

I've tried talking sense into my friend, but she's stuck on the idea that her mother is the problem and whatnot. She thinks she's all kinds of mature and ~worldly because she's 25, and a woman, but I've never met a more naive person in my life. She's smart and independent!!! :|||| 

Now they're engaged, and well, that's it for the most part. Her mother doesn't plan on attending the wedding because he is just that bad. My mother (who is the only person she trusts) tells her she's going to regret it, I tell her the same thing, but she refuses to go, and I know her, she will not go. It always feels so hopeless. I just look at divorce rates and pray to the almighty to make it happen, or make something happen before it's too late.

My question for you and your readers is: how many have been in the situation where your parent(s) didn't attend your wedding because of your choice of spouse (or anything, for that matter)? How is your relationship now, has it changed at all? I only wonder because I don't want my friend's mother to make a decision that will change everything forever with her daughter for good. I guess I'm kind of hoping that there's actually hope for their relationship in the future.

Any words of wisdom? Bittersweet experiences at all?

Best,
Not Naive Friend.

*****

Throwing this one out to you guys....

Photo by Ilva Heitmann by Markus Pritzi for Sleek Magazine via Fashion Gone Rogue

plant bulbs in fall for spring flowers

NO I'M NOT GARDENING

It's a metaphor, silly.

And: A new blog of the week(ish).

I've had a blog crush (hell, a crush crush) on SAIPUA for forevs. She runs her own business, she takes gorg photos, SHE DOES NOT SHY AWAY FROM A DANCE PARTY. Blahblahblah.

But what I rly admire is the way Sarah talks directly to ME when I'm surfing the web at 12:39am, looking for Idontknowwhat, a fucking post for tomorrow is what I was looking for, let's be honest. When I really should be getting cracking on my next project.

Photo by Sarah Ryhanen

Dress Hunt for a Non-Bride-y, Eco-Conscious, California Mountain Woman

Dear ESB, 

I've loved reading your blog for the past few months-- it's such a breath of fresh air. You have amazing fashion sense, and that's why I'm writing to you now. 

First of all: I'm a professional naturalist and a former park ranger. I spend my a big chunk of my life encouraging people to develop their connection to nature and the rest of society, to care for the earth, and to explore the wild. I try to teach people that what they buy affects the world socially and environmentally, and it's best to know how and where products are made before we buy them. I'm marrying an adorable woodworker (shameless plug here) who makes his furniture out of 100% reclaimed wood. He comes home wearing plaid covered in sawdust. Hot. 

Second: I live in the middle of nowhere, up next to the Sierra Nevada Mountains in a tiny little town that doesn't even have a signal light. And I LOVE it. But... there is almost nowhere to shop. LA and the Bay Area are a few hundred miles from me, so I'm reluctant to make the drive and aimlessly run around looking for dresses. 

Third: I committed the ultimate sin and bought this BHLDN dress. The shame. But I was in Houston with all of my relatives, it was one of the few opportunities I'd have to try on a cute dress, and I bit. But now I want to return it because it was probably made in a sweat shop. And it's polyester. Ick. 

Could you and your readers help me find another dress? Here are some basic guidelines:

1. I look a little bit like Botticelli's Venus: full thighs, small waist, small boobs, and curly blonde hair. So the dress needs to have a fuller skirt and a fitted top to be flattering. I'm about 5'8 and a dress size 4.

2. What I dislike: the bride-y cupcake look. I've looked at some of the eco dress posts on ESB, and they weren't really my style. None of the eco Etsy dresses I've looked at are appealing to me at all because they're either white and floofy or they look like a pile doilies stitched together.

3. What I love: natural, clean lines, embellished details that make the outfit pop. I love Alabama Chanin because the looks are simple but elegant, they use natural materials, the clothes are ethically made in the US... but it's crazy expensive. This is my favorite AC outfit.  It's for the tune of about $6,000 in total, so sadly not an option. The cheaper, simpler AC clothes may be just a bit too everyday to be a wedding dress. 

4. Designer or company needs to have a genuine environmental and workplace policies in place.

5. The dress does not need to be white. I'm happy with blue or earthy tones, just so long as it makes me look like a total goddess. 

6. The dress needs to be made in the USA. It would be awesome if someone found a dress made in California because I think it's important to shop locally. 

7. It's essential that the dress is made of natural materials, preferably organic, such as silk, cotton, hemp, etc. 

8. It may be a little chilly during the wedding (50 - 65 F), so it needs to have a little bit of sleeve or have something to go over it, like a cute jacket.

9. I'd prefer a full length dress to impress the fiance. 

10. My budget is under $1,000. $2,000 for something really amazing.

11. Something I could wear again would be huge bonus points, even if it needed to be dyed or altered. 

I hope y'all (that's right, I'm from Texas) can find something. Thanks!!

*****

Blah blah blah

Blah blah

Blah Blah

Does anyone feel like helping this GODDESS out?

Because honestly I couldn't even get through her email.

Just another outfit plea

Dearest ESB,

I never thought I would get married - it was never important for me. Then I met X. He wanted to get married so I wanted to get married. He loves the idea I wasn't losing anything as I didn't think marriage was important but he was missing out - not that he would ever have said anything) - so many years later we are getting married!

We have planned two (TWO!) weddings. Down to a T. Both have had to be cancelled due to various things (family). So I have planned a secret wedding. For him. One that will actually happen. Just the two of us. Seriously - our photographers are acting as witnesses. X hates summer - so we are getting married half way across the world. In Scotland. Outside. In winter (Feb '12). We are talking 5 degrees celsius. On a good day. That's about 40F. I have ordered him a suit, organized venue, celebrant, photographers, flowers and everything else. Rings are done. Blah blah blah. Sorted.

The thing is after planning two weddings, and now a third I am tired and bride'd out. Plus it is going to be cold and outside and hopefully snowing - I just don't know what the f*** to wear (except for two pairs of black opaque stockings and a pair of hunter wellies). 

I am tall and broad and daring (and about a size 8-10, size 11 feet, and have a sweet rack). I just want to be a total fox.

*****

This Vanessa Bruno would really show off that sweet rack.

But I dunno about the wellies. Aren't wellies with a wedding dress sorta 2010?

STOP SMOKING CRACK, CHLOE

"old-school street wear meets vintage underwear"?

NO. Just, no.

Not wanting her to think I look like a fish

While visiting my family over Thanksgiving I went dress shopping with my aunt and Mom and bought a sample dress. There was crying, it was awesome and I really love the dress. 

On the flight home I was perusing a free bridal mag I got at the dress shop and the FW [Future Wife] pointed to a dress that is VERY similar to mine in fabric, cut, etc and said "Does your dress look like that?" Attempting to keep the mystery alive I replied "Nope, not at all." I immediately regretted my emphatic response when she replied "Thank fucking God, that dress is horrible and that girl looks like a fish."

Yeah, that happened. My poker face sucks, and she knew immediately what was going on. She has spent the past few days attempting to convince me that I will look amazing and she will love it. Even though I love the dress and it is very flattering (which I struggle finding) I am having a hard time coming to grips with the idea of wearing a dress that is the twin of something my fiance had an instant negative reaction to.

The dress was $750 which was my entire budget. My options are to try to sell the dress for less than what I paid and use the money to buy a simple dress (something like this with this from RTR) or turn my frown upside down and get over it.

On a scale from 1 to overreacting, am I overreacting? If the verdict is new dress, where is the best place to sell a dress?

*****

Can you try it on for her?

I want YOU to love the dress and I want HER to love the dress and I don't want you to spend another minute dreading her reaction.

Collage by The Dream Coil from "Douleur d'amour" by William Adolphe Bouguereau (thx thx thx to BL for id'ing it for me)
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SHITBAGS. I rly wanted to post a mean one this morning to prove that I am still mean. Ohwell.