Wednesday, November 30, 2011

The much-anticipated LUBE POST.


Part One:

Lube is not just for kinky people.

From age 16 to about 32 I thought I was bad at giving hand jobs. Pretty much avoided em altogether. It turns out YOU NEED LUBE FOR THAT. Guys use lube. (Or hand lotion, depending. But the sophisticates know that lube works better.) So why should you have slap around on it with your bare hand?

When he touches your clit during foreplay or inthemiddleoftheact -- or when you touch your own clit -- you know what works soooooooo much better than just licking your fingers? LUBE.

If you guys feel like having a quickie and skipping all that foreplay bullsh*t and your mind is so in it but maybe your body isn't ready yet... As in, there's not much natural lubrication happening? You know what's good for that? YEAH YOU DO.


Part Two:

Organic/Vagina-Friendly ingredients make a difference. There was a time when I thought Astroglide was, like, really super fancy amazing stuff. And the shit is slippery, there's no question about it.

But. I can't use Astroglide or any other glycerin-based lubes anymore. Even a glycerin-free lube that contained parabens sadly made me a little... itchy. And if you won't put that shit on your face, why would you put it up your twat?

Blossom Organics is the only personal lubricant I've found that is a) sufficiently slippery and b) totally gentle. You can read all about their ingredients vs. harsh ingredients + YOUR VAGINA over on the Blossom site.

______________________________
Full disclosure: This is not a paid post, but my friend J who works for Blossom Organics has been supplying me with free lube for about a year now. She even sent me an emergency supply that time my 4oz tube was confiscated at airport security. J, YOU RULE!
Posted by esb at 1:17 PM

46 comments:

  1. MelissaNovember 30, 2011 at 4:01 PM

    What asshole would confiscate someone's lube?

    ReplyDelete
  2. kathleen // scout + lillyNovember 30, 2011 at 4:01 PM

    god I love this post. people who don't follow you on Twitter are going to have NO idea where this came from.

    ReplyDelete
  3. LaurenNovember 30, 2011 at 4:44 PM

    I think my serious like of you just blossomed into full blown love. for real.

    ReplyDelete
  4. AnonymousNovember 30, 2011 at 5:13 PM

    LOVE IT! This just came up the other day... seriously, KY= kill your collective hard-on. Starts out slick but like 30 seconds later becomes ridiculously sticky?? Isn't that the opposite of what it should do?

    ReplyDelete
  5. AnonymousNovember 30, 2011 at 5:37 PM

    Yay! Thank you. Was in the market for some and now I know just where to go. Awesome.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Mrs.PeacockNovember 30, 2011 at 5:37 PM

    has anyone ever tried pjur? seriously the best out there, and good for anyone with allergies.

    ReplyDelete
  7. esbNovember 30, 2011 at 5:49 PM

    @Mrs. Peacock pjur ≠ pure

    ReplyDelete
  8. 17 beats.November 30, 2011 at 6:14 PM

    THANK YOU.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Ms. BunnyNovember 30, 2011 at 6:18 PM

    We've been using the KY Sensitive lube and it's much better on the parts than the regular stuff. Will definitely check the Blossom lube out now!

    ReplyDelete
  10. nikkiNovember 30, 2011 at 6:34 PM

    everything is better wetter

    I think I stole that from The Little Mermaid

    ReplyDelete
  11. heleventNovember 30, 2011 at 6:42 PM

    Damn why didn't I get this for my bachelorette party instead of the melon flavored made in China crap-people, a vagina is not a choose your own toppings ice cream shop!

    ReplyDelete
  12. ToniaNovember 30, 2011 at 6:45 PM

    YAY. I didn't know natural lube existed!! Finally an alternative to KY, which is terrible. It gets sticky after like two seconds. Also I love how you disguised "bullsh*t" with the little star but decided we could handle the full spelled out versions of clit and twat. LOL

    ReplyDelete
  13. I'd rather be a bridesmaidNovember 30, 2011 at 6:47 PM

    I'll take it one step further, if you wouldn't put it in your MOUTH why would you put it up your twat? Thanks! J ;)

    ReplyDelete
  14. SarahNovember 30, 2011 at 7:18 PM

    True story: A couple of months ago, I made a quick run to the store for condoms and lube. At the checkout counter, the (married) guy in line in front of me set down: a pint of Ben & Jerry's, a bottle of Cabernet and a large box of tampons. I set down my lube and condoms. He looked at my items, then his, and I swear his shoulders drooped. There was NO EYE CONTACT.

    I'm very interested in the Blossom lube now.

    ReplyDelete
  15. RobNovember 30, 2011 at 7:23 PM

    You imply that all guys use lube. That is not a true statement.

    Also, why does lube come up as an incorrect spelling?

    ReplyDelete
  16. esbNovember 30, 2011 at 7:29 PM

    @Rob oh, come on. tell the story about how guys dry masturbate. I, personally, am dying to hear it.

    ReplyDelete
  17. AdelaideNovember 30, 2011 at 7:32 PM

    ha ha ha hahahahah! oh, shit. day officially made.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Sarah RyhanenNovember 30, 2011 at 7:40 PM

    When I worked at exitart they we were going to be sponsored by KY for something and in a board meeting I blurted out "KY changed my life" to ...silence.

    ReplyDelete
  19. lizzieNovember 30, 2011 at 8:20 PM

    amazing. if you had facebook comments, i would be likin' all this shit down here too.

    you're awesome. how weird is it to know that your suggestion will be on DOZENS of twats? i always wonder if sade knows how many people bone to her music? so you can tell me how it feels after people start trickling back kissing your feet for the lube recommendation.

    ReplyDelete
  20. chesapeakeNovember 30, 2011 at 8:33 PM

    I made a joke about using lotion during masturbation and my husband looked at me like I was insane. "Who does that?" he asked me. So, he's with Rob apparently.

    Also, this post is ridiculously helpful. Will be ordering some asap! Thank you!

    ReplyDelete
  21. KelsiNovember 30, 2011 at 9:26 PM

    I've never known of any non-teenage guys that jerk off with lube or lotion. I'm convinced that a good majority of men stick with the ol' spit-in-the-palm trick. Solo or otherwise...

    ReplyDelete
  22. wool and miscNovember 30, 2011 at 9:34 PM

    I use this.

    p.s. remember when you gave away that awesome Astroglide gift basket on W&M??

    ReplyDelete
  23. paiiigeNovember 30, 2011 at 10:03 PM

    this post is SO timely because we just used a new lube last night, and as I was reading this post on my way home from work I was basically itch-squirming out of the bus seat, so everything just clicked.

    ...except then I got home and checked the new lube and it's all vegan/everything free/meant for ladies (also, as the sales girl pointed out "it actually looks like jizz and some people really like that"...) and I've never had problems with Astroglide so maybe I'm just sensitive to the wrong things?

    sorry, this was a lot of TMI.

    ReplyDelete
  24. A Bicycle Built For TwoDecember 1, 2011 at 4:01 AM

    Is it water based (i.e. safe for those expensive silicon *parts* my wife and I use)?

    ReplyDelete
  25. RobDecember 1, 2011 at 5:22 AM

    @esb, if you think i'm going to delve any deeper into this on the interwebs you have another thing coming.

    ReplyDelete
  26. AnonymousDecember 1, 2011 at 5:56 AM

    My man's a 40-yr old lifelong saliva masturbator.

    Great post ESB.

    ReplyDelete
  27. redfrizzzDecember 1, 2011 at 7:50 AM

    LOVE IT. Thanks.

    ReplyDelete
  28. MelissaDecember 1, 2011 at 8:03 AM

    @Rob pun intended?

    ReplyDelete
  29. HalfPintDecember 1, 2011 at 10:24 AM

    @Rob is punny.

    ReplyDelete
  30. ActsofBeautyDecember 1, 2011 at 3:43 PM

    @Lauren YES
    @Sarah HAHAHAHA!!
    @Sarah also HEHEHA HAHAHAH!!

    Amazing.

    ReplyDelete
  31. SusannaBanannaDecember 1, 2011 at 6:29 PM

    Two words from me and that's it: coconut oil.

    ReplyDelete
  32. esbDecember 1, 2011 at 7:03 PM

    @SusannaBananna NOT. WITH. CONDOMS.

    coconut oil, olive oil, NO OIL is safe for use with latex condoms.

    ReplyDelete
  33. esbDecember 1, 2011 at 7:07 PM

    @A Bicycle I just got an answer for you: "Totally safe for use with silicone toys and latex friendly."

    ReplyDelete
  34. wool and miscDecember 1, 2011 at 7:07 PM

    SRSLY. Are we fucking or making a salad, here??

    ReplyDelete
  35. esbDecember 1, 2011 at 7:09 PM

    @SusannaB i am intrigued though. doesn't it stain??

    ReplyDelete
  36. HalfPintDecember 1, 2011 at 7:20 PM

    Slippery when wet.

    ReplyDelete
  37. ALPDecember 1, 2011 at 7:22 PM

    It is possible that this is my first time commenting, and it's about lube. Awkward. But there's also
    this stuff. Every time I pick some up at the lady-friendly sex shop the people behind the counter go on and on about how great it is, which is sorta fun.

    ReplyDelete
  38. esbDecember 1, 2011 at 7:28 PM

    @MWK horny goat weed? that one i might have to try ;)

    ReplyDelete
  39. SusannaBanannaDecember 1, 2011 at 8:10 PM

    The lowdown on coconut oil: it's solid at room temp, but just a little heat (handling it is enough) turns it liquid. Never had a problem with staining- a little goes a long way. I like it because it doesn't feel greasy or sticky (I'm looking at you, Astroglide). Also, it's great if you're prone to yeast infections, as coconut has anti-fungal properties.
    And of course, never with the rubbers.

    ReplyDelete
  40. ALPDecember 2, 2011 at 8:07 AM

    Oh right, I guess I should have mentioned the HGW. Usually I try to prepare people for that when recommending it as it sounds so weird and hilarious and hippy dippy. But, I mean, what's NOT sexy about Horny Goat Weed?

    ReplyDelete
  41. theRachelDecember 3, 2011 at 8:46 AM

    I heart you, ESB.

    ReplyDelete
  42. AnonymousDecember 3, 2011 at 9:59 AM

    why, may I ask, would a grown woman give handjobs? are we 11? women giving them at all perplexes me, clearly the men have it down to a science- why try?

    ReplyDelete
  43. AnonymousDecember 3, 2011 at 10:00 AM

    and by "11" I mean 16! I wasn't giving handjobs at 11- swear :p

    ReplyDelete
  44. wool and miscDecember 3, 2011 at 10:03 AM

    I was.

    ReplyDelete
  45. me melodiaDecember 20, 2011 at 5:21 AM

    Yep, my sweaty tween palm gave it a go too.

    ReplyDelete
  46. me melodiaDecember 20, 2011 at 5:22 AM

    Ps- I won that astro basket! Thank you.
    I have been itching to find a natural alternative.

    ReplyDelete