Hi!
My fiancé and I live in the Castro district of San Francisco and I can't help but feel guilty that we're legally allowed to get married while the vast majority of our neighbors are not. Yes, I realize that my neighbors do not personally view us as the "hetero-enemy" or anything, but it just makes me sad that same-sex marriage is still illegal in California and I don't want to ignore that fact.
I read one suggestion that I kind of liked: on the registry page of our wedding website, include a section that says we would also appreciate donations made out to "charity X" so everyone in California can legally marry their loved ones, regardless of their sexual orientation.
Would doing that be tacky/pretentious or respectful/sensitive? Do you have any other suggestions that are better? I don't want to make a big deal out of it, but this issue is important to us and we'd like to respectfully address it in some way.
Thanks!
*****
I love that idea.
Couple and Child, San Francisco Gay Parade (1978) courtesy of the Leslie Lohman Museum of Gay and Lesbian Art
love
ReplyDeletejust got done reading the crazyass comments section on the oh happy day drama so i'm going to skip over reading the content of this post and say DO IT. because it is really gross to elevate love/marriage/commitment publicly and deride it privately.
ReplyDeleteDo it.
ReplyDeleteHa! Very subtle, ESB.
ReplyDeleteBut, really, a wonderful idea.
Awesome.
ReplyDeleteWe included a note in our programs that we had donated to Equality CA (which fights to overturn Prop 8, in addition to other LGBTQ advocacy.) and talked a bit about why. We made sure it was a donation that mattered, based on the overall wedding budget. We also considered a registry but ultimately this one felt a bit better for us. I think either is a great idea.
ReplyDeleteAlso love! I feel ya, lady. I felt awful getting married in CA and knowing that some of our guests couldn't enjoy the same legal rights. I think the donation idea is the perfect way show support with out getting too preachy.
ReplyDeleteNothing rude about giving them the option and letting them know it's important to you. We asked our guests for donations to three NPOs close to our hearts (among them LAMBDA Legal) in lieu of gifts. It eased our conscience that we could do some good with our Love Party.
ReplyDeleteat my friend's wedding last year (an interracial couple) they thanked those who fought for their right to marry and expressed their hope that one day their gay and lesbian friends would share the same rights one day....it was written in their wedding program and beautifully done
ReplyDeleteIn lieu of registering for gifts we asked for donations to be made to Lambda Legal. We are a bit older (32 and 39) and didn't really need the stuff and wanted to acknowledge our friends and loved ones who weren't allowed to make this step. We got a little bit of flack just for not having a "stuff" registry but none for the charity/cause, though our fam is pretty liberal and we weren't doing a very traditional thing. So I think doing both is a good idea. The HRC actually lets you register and put up a little page but I don't like them as much as a org. You can see what we did on our little site here http://www.maggieandcurtis.com/registry.htm
ReplyDeleteAt our wedding last year we asked that people donate to a charity of their choice as opposed to buying us gifts and also mentioned a couple of our 'favourite' charities if guests wished to donate to a charity we personally support. It was really wonderful hearing what charites people had donated to (many had chosen ours) and it opened our eyes to just how generous and thoughtful our friends and family are. So I say go for it.
ReplyDeleteAsking for donations in lieu of gifts is perfectly acceptable. Your choice of charity is your business, however so is a guest's choice to donate or not.
ReplyDeleteWe chose the American Cancer Society only because my husband's mom died of cancer - so it was a charity close to our hearts. Choose what means something to you!
P.S. Nice touch, ESB. Well timed. :)
great idea!!
ReplyDeleteps. @anon/9:53 (or anyone), what oh happy day drama?
Do it. I have a bunch of friends who have. It makes your queer friends feel better and reminds your straight relatives that they know people who care about this issue.
ReplyDeletePick Lambda Legal or NCLR over HRC, which is kind of a mess.
Love it.
ReplyDeleteWe have several gay friends and I struggled with the fact that we could get married and they could only have a civil union (we live in IL) so we read this part from the 2003 Massachusetts Supreme Judicial Court decision to legalize same-sex marriage at the beginning of the ceremony:
"Marriage is at once a deeply personal commitment to another human being and a highly public celebration of the ideals of mutuality, companionship, intimacy, fidelity, and family. Because it fulfils yearnings for security, safe haven, and connection that express our common humanity, civil marriage is an esteemed institution and the decision whether and whom to marry is among life's momentous acts of self-definition.
"It is undoubtedly for these concrete reasons, as well as for its intimately personal significance, that civil marriage has long been termed a "civil right." Without the right to choose to marry one is excluded from the full range of human experience."
Beautiful.
ReplyDeleteI have the perfect post for you:
ReplyDeletehttp://offbeatbride.com/2011/05/ways-to-recognize-marriage-equality-at-your-wedding
Sounds like a great idea to me! I got married in NYC before gay marriage was legal in NY (by my long time family rabbi who also happens to be a lesbian). We requested some input from her. I personally wanted something more than a statement in a program that I knew most of my guests wouldn't read.
ReplyDeleteWe ended up altering part of the traditional Jewish ceremony. Usually the couple drinks a glass of wine full to the brim to symbolize a life overflowing with happiness. Our rabbi made a quick statement that she wrote (we didn't hear it before hand, we trusted her and it was BEAUTIFUL) and then we took some wine out of the glass "to diminish our joy on this, our happiest of days."
It was hands down the part of the entire day we got the most compliments on. Plus, gay marriage was legalized a few months later! I like to pretend the good karma I put out there helped...
Fantastic! Do it, do it.
ReplyDeleteNot tacky at all! We registered for three charities, including the Human Rights Council and the It Gets Better Project. We figured it might be tacky to make a donation to a marriage equality charity in the guest's honor as a wedding favor, since not everyone supports it, but giving guests the option of donating is A-OK.
ReplyDeletegreat idea.
ReplyDeletewe had something in our ceremony about it.
As long as it's a charity and not a political organization you shouldn't have any dramas. Top idea btw.
ReplyDeleteThis is a great idea!
ReplyDeleteWe also added a caveat (a actually stolen from commenter, Owlissa's wedding!) to our vows. In Australia the celebrant has to say, for legal purposes, that "marriage is between a man and a woman", so we tacked on to the end of that sentence, "but we believe everyone should be able to marry regardless of their gender" or something along those lines. Our gay friends and family appreciated it and told us so.
Supporting your beliefs go hand in hand with supporting your marriage. A beautiful idea, wish I had thought of it.
ReplyDeletelurve it.
ReplyDeleteLOVE this post so much!!
ReplyDeleteFirst because I think it's a great idea. Second because it totally proves my theory that ESB has some personal vendetta against JF. Radness.
Why don't you just spill, ESB?
Please go away, Mandy.
ReplyDeleteOh, come off of it, Mandy. Seriously. Who's crazypants now?
ReplyDeleteOh Naurnie and Mouse, relax already. ESB can block me if she wants. How do you know she's not loving my comments? Remind me why she gets to be snarky but her commenters cant be?
ReplyDeleteESB is witty and entertaining. Key difference.
ReplyDeleteTrust me, honey, we know. I'd suggest you learn the finer intricacies of snark before you go throwing the word around.
ReplyDelete@ Mandy: Who are you? Seriously? Why do you care so much if someone doesn't like a blog you read/contribute to? Are y'all friends? Are you her? Like, what is your deal ? At this point I'm just curious, since you seem to be hanging around.
ReplyDelete@ ESB: I heart those mustachioed poppas so much, it breaks my heart right in two. Well done on a thoughtful response to a great Q.
Teach me, Rob. Is lesson #1 call people honey?
ReplyDeleteActually, I must be off to the grocery store, but enjoy your afternoon.
HOORAY
ReplyDeleteI think this post might just prove that ESB has a "vendetta" (a person presumably older than 14 just used that word! Seriously!) against homophobes? Which... fair enough? PS Mandy, if you keep linking back to the website of a major magazine that you apparently work for, maybe think about how you behave? Because you come across as shockingly unprofessional and it reflects badly on your publication. You sound like a petulant child.
ReplyDelete@Mandy (__|__)
ReplyDeleteps. Radness?!
I like the idea and I like the timing of the post.
ReplyDeleteAnd come on, Mandy. What are you even trying to achieve here? I don't think your gonna find any "JF" love here. Especially after the Prop. 8 donation scandal. You've expressed what you have to say... now move on.
Why delete all the fun comments??? I was trying to read about the craziness!!!
ReplyDeleteI'M WITH MANDY.
ReplyDeleteword, anon 8:18. she came and she gave without taking, and we sent her away.
ReplyDelete@lauren-the only thing going through my head since reading this.
ReplyDelete<3
What was the Prop 8 donation scandal? I feel like I've missed something completely here.
ReplyDeleteOh ignore me, I found it.
ReplyDeleteI think that's a great idea!
ReplyDeleteI have fairly conservative relatives who would be upset if I asked them to donate to something they disagreed with. But I would consider asking closer friends to do so. I think it's a wonderful idea!
ReplyDeleteI feel a little bad jumping onto someone else's question, but what is the stance on doing the donation in lieu of favors? We're a gay couple and JUST got the right to marry in my home state (NY). Is it still pushy if we're gay, or can we assume that people who don't like gay marriage won't come to our gay wedding?
ReplyDelete@Anon 8:39 my stance is FUCK FAVORS. Do it.
ReplyDeletei think that if you're so upset that your gay friends can't get married, a bigger tribute to them would be just don't get married until they can too. asking people to make a donation or making one yourself seems a bit hollow.
ReplyDelete@Anon 8:51, Remaining silent just makes less noise. Letting your wedding guests know that you feel strongly about something can serve as a door to further education on the topic, donations help to further that knowledge even more.
ReplyDeleteOP, This is a lovely idea, just make sure to really research your charity, and make sure they're representing your money the way you would.
@Lauren: Eff yes.
ReplyDelete