Hi again ESB,
So, I wanted to send a followup to my last question because it's gotten that much more interesting, sort of. So, on the advice of you and your generously helpful readers, I gave my fiance my support that if he wanted his parents at our wedding, I would be happy to have them there. He really mulled it over and basically told them that if they wanted to come, they should come.
Since then, they've been sending endless emails about what he should be doing, got upset at my fiance because he suggested that his mom rethink wearing all black to the wedding, which culminated to a knockdown-dragout hours-long fight that ended with them threatening to tell me (at the wedding) every specific doubt he's ever had about me when he used to confide in them early in our relationship.
They then followed that up with asking him if he really wanted them at the wedding (which is next week), because if he didn't, they wouldn't go, but if he did, they would treat it like any other invitation and let him know if they were attending. After all this, he asked me if I wanted them at the wedding.
Cue the silent screaming.
*****
This is where you tell him, "No, of course I don't want them at the wedding. But they're YOUR PARENTS, so you have to make the decision, douchebag."
The photo is of Lily Allen, yes, smoking a cigarette. Feel free to nail me.
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ReplyDeleteTell him to man up and deal with it.
ReplyDeleteAGREE. IT'S HIS JOB.
ReplyDeleteno. if he's that indecisive YOU man up and call them and tell them to go scratch. it'll be strangely liberating... speaking from a comparable experience.
ReplyDeleteyou get one wedding, why let a couple of douchebags & the invisible guilt cloud they've cast over their son ruin your day?
You're thinking way too much about these people. Enjoy this time! Who cares about these idiots!
ReplyDeleteI got married last weekend. My H's mum was horrible. Constantly, complaining and causing trouble. It didn't work. It's your day and people will take that into account. If anything happens they'll look like idiots. We were at a dinner party last night laughing about how horrid she was. It won't matter unless you let it. Let it go, Enjoy the day. It's really fun!
ReplyDeletei have to disagree with holli. in a moment of weakness, immaturity, and desperation, i 'grew a pair' and shared some very choice words with my partner's mother. for a little while it was liberating, but soon it created a painful rift between me and my partner, and also my partner and his parents. holidays, visits, and even phonecalls were MISERABLE for YEARS.
ReplyDeletewe have since found common ground and forgiveness, but the scars are still there, and they reopen pretty regularly.
i have come to trust that my husband WILL DEFEND ME and ALWAYS TAKE MY SIDE. THAT IS WHY HE IS MY HUSBAND. if your fiance is not willing to do this, there are some important conversations that you two need to have NOW, else things will never get easier.
You put up a picture of Lily Allen smoking after making a huge stink about how craptastic smoking is - I don't feel like Lily Allen is cool enough to compromise your values.
ReplyDeleteAnd "silent screamer" - seriously, what are you doing? Break up with this guy... Your two letters are the two biggest red flags I've ever read. He's a pussy, dump him now.
Agreed. He needs to man up to this.
ReplyDeleteESB - calling you on the smoking photograph!
ReplyDeletedummies, she already called herself out first.
ReplyDeleteBe the bigger person. It is ALWAYS more "liberating." And seriously? Who cares if she wants to wear black?
ReplyDeleteNot a dummy, just blind.
ReplyDeleteAw, jeez. If they've promised to make your day miserable - your wedding day! - they shouldn't come. Your fiance should be the one to tell them that, but if he can't, then write them a short note saying that you're making your wedding a positive event attended by people who love you both and support the union, and that if they are incapable of feeling love and support for the two of you together, then they should not be in attendance. If they do support the marriage, despite past problems or current personality clashes, then they are more than welcome to come and be a part of your new life with their son. If she decides to wear black, tell yourself it's because she needs it to look slim, be gracious, thank them, and assign someone to spot them during speeches and once the bar opens.
ReplyDeleteAnd then tell your fiance that he is charge of rectifying this situation.
What does 'every other invitation mean?' That they'll be gracious and choose if they are coming? Well, good for them.
ReplyDeleteI LOVE Lily Allen. Thank you. Perfect facial expression.
ReplyDeleteI have to agree with 17 beats here. He needs to be able to have your back (and, um, his own?!). If he can't, that may be a major issue in other ways too.
ReplyDeleteAnd I'd be pissed if I knew my FH's mom didn't like me and she wore black to our non-black tie wedding. Thanks for mourning, asshat lady.
Quit pulling your hair out over this, it's not worth it at this point. Maybe at another point things can be done to make things work better, but holy hell, now is not that time.
ReplyDeleteTell your future husband it's not your decision for your in-laws to be there, it's theirs. They have the invite: they can come if they want, they can reject if they want. Your job is over, so is your man's. You've invited them, you want them there (for the most part). Ball is in their court. And if anyone else complains to you about this say you did all you could because you did. Ultimately they will look/feel bad in the end if they don't show up b/c you invited them. Stop worrying.
Your guy sounds so much like my boyfriend/me, it's amazing. Coming from a family with strong cultural ties, I understand his position, I've been in it myself and it's never fun. You're always wanting to do the right thing, I know where he's coming from. He's not trying to not stand up for you, he is, but in a different way by standing down. By him asking you what you want to do in this situation is him trying to make you happy. I see it differently. Or I'm just crazy. Either way :|||