I wrote in months ago asking about engagement rings under $100, and then again about how much bhldn pissed me off (which it obviously still does.) :)
Turns out, Mr. Demented-Psychotic-Ex-Boyfriend-as-soon-as-I-could-make-it-happen wanted a cheap engagement ring as a way of latching onto me for a few months and sucking my soul dry. It worked.
Lucky for me, I woke up one day smacked in the face with the realization that, despite everything I believe about love and marriage, this huge series of verbal/psychological/emotional domestic violence was not it. I ran for it. HARD.
Turns out, I was right. Mr. Demented-Psychotic-Fucking-CRAZY-NOW-IMMEDIATELY-MY-EX decided to steal all my money (which, as a bfa grad March 2011, have been working and saving for MONTHS for a move to NY,) my CAR, explode into a terrifying rage which in turn convinced me very quickly to leave my city, ruin everything I owned (laptop, cell phone, books and journals,) oh, you know, as well as my sanity for oh so, so long.
and brrreeeeaaaathe.
Things are good now.
I will be stronger because I know how to.
I will be wiser because I owe it to myelf, after letting all this happen.
I will be happier, because I choose to.
And I don't know what I'm saying except hello, and here's one hell of an update, and i don't want this to happen to other people. :(
All my love,
Lady X
*****
Oh, lady.
Do you have any advice for the four-months-ago you??
<3 <3 <3
*****
Oh shoot, ESB, isn't that a hard one?
My advice to myself four months ago?
Four months ago I needed someone to be real with me. He had moved me in with him and had gigantic, terrifying rages when I tried to spend time with other people. And he told me he loooooved me. He held me and petted me and it was a sick kind of "I keep you here because I love you," kind of thing. And because I was alone, because I was secluded, because I had nobody to bounce my sanity off of, I bought it, hook, line, and ultimate sinker.
Well, honestly, the question becomes really simple then. Four months ago, I needed someone to slap me and take me out for a drink. I needed to get into the real world, and I needed to be honest about the relationship.
Here's what I would say to myself over drinks, four months ago:
Girl. This sucks. This really sucks. Look at what you've done to your plans. This is not okay. Where is your family? Have you asked your family for their opinions? You have two experts on health and relationships right in front of you, dingbat: your parents. They're older and wiser for a reason. And your brothers and sisters aren't so bad, either. (My 9-year-old bro, Chester, was incredibly astute about it all.)
And let's Get real. This guy doesn't have a job, doesn't look for one, never claims responsibility, never lends a helping hand, never lets you see your friends, never lets you run your errands, throws fits when you wear pretty things, and gets mad when you talk to your Mom in the evening. Who does he thinks he's kidding? What fucking kind of inane behavior is that?
Question those Indescrepencies. There are loads of excuses and falsehoods being spoon fed to you right now. First of all, stop eating 'em up, and then calmly, openly, unassumedly, question them. Then, GET REAL, again. If all is well and clear, then all will be well and clear. And if it's not, then now you know. Don't worry about not knowing, NOW you do, and NOW you are responsible for the truth.
And girl, my love, Be brave enough to do something good for yourself. Being patient and "weathering the storm" is only going to cause more frustration, more investment, more of the same. You've communicated your needs in every way, and they're not being met. Leave. Leave because you know you need to, know you want to. You are strong. You are beautiful. You have a whole history of good choices to support this one. You can trust those guts, trust those years of practice you have taking care of yourself, and trust that you can create a better life than this. Go for it, baby. <3
Love love love love love love love love love eighteen million times,
Lady X
Masha Novoselova by Txema Yeste for Vogue Spain via Soph Mueller + Image Amplified
So brave of you Lady X, and ESB, thanks for sharing it here. Relationships aren't always butterflies and rainbows, and it takes serious balls to get real with it. Love to you!
ReplyDeleteSo happy that you got away from that!! The rest of your life starts now. Cliché but true. Get 'er done! :) :) :)
ReplyDeletehugs to you, lady x. i speak from experience when i say you'll be stronger for it. i dated a manipulative jerk when i was 20, he sucked me away from my friends, my family, my life. we went shopping for shoes for him, he asked what i thought of pair x and pair y, i said pair x! he bought pair y. he'd tell me i was special and then he'd cut me down.
ReplyDeletea few years later, i'm with a sweetheart who gets me, who loves my family and my friends, who values my opinions and who washes the dishes when i cook (or vice versa). i'm glad i dated the jerk first though, because i wouldn't appreciate all the awesomeness if i'd never dealt with the crap. hugs, hugs and more hugs.
Thanks for posting this. That you were brave enough to leave, is the best thing you've ever done, the best gift to yourself. I know, because I still swell with pride when I think that I left my jerk. GOOD FOR YOU HONEY. Hugs x
ReplyDeleteso many internet hugs, lady x. your bravery is inspiring. all the very best to you from here on out!
ReplyDeleteThis is an amazing post and I am so glad you are good and sage, Lady X. It is amazing how quickly you turned your shit around--you are one strong lady. Thanks for posting this, ESB.
ReplyDeleteoh wow, hello being a sobbing mess at work. I have been there and it sucks and I'm so happy you got away. I got away and it was hard and it was ugly but now my life is hard and beautiful.
ReplyDeleteso much love.
STANDING OVATION!! Getting out of a relationship w a controlling and abusive person takes balls. I know, I've been there. Sharing your story also takes courage. The sign of truly overcoming something is when you can turn it into something good...and you just did. The warning signs of control, manipulation, and emotional abuse should be put on a pamphlet and passed out to everyone in the dating game.
ReplyDeleteWoah. So awesome, girl. It can only get better from here.
ReplyDeleteI always try to remember this little piece of advice, gleaned from a lot of shitty past relationships: "If you're embarrassed/reluctant to tell your mom/friends/sister/shrink about this person's behavior, you probably got a rotten one on your hands."
what a fucking douche.
ReplyDeleteLady X - it all goes up from here.
Lady X. Thanks for sharing with us. I know how difficult that situation must have been for you AND your family. My SIL has gone through something similar in the last year or so and it was a very harrowing process to watch her go through. We are all proud of you for leaving. You deserve nothing but the best... You got out now, which is the important thing.
ReplyDeleteESB, thanks for posting. You keep it real.
Well bloody done.
ReplyDelete*joins standing ovation*
Well written too.
Lady X: you're brave... and wise... and you couldn't have gotten where u are now... without this experience... so no, thank life for it, thank life that it's already past... and eat the world!!! All my love for you! ;) Tiff
ReplyDeleteI'm never good with words and I decided to jump past the comments for a moment to say how brave, strong and generous you are - for coming out of this with such strength and a good outlook for the future, and for sharing with all of us and anyone who might be in a similar boat. We know things can't be easy for you right now having most of your physical and monetary belongings destroyed, not to mention the emotional/physical repercussions, but this is truly where you get to start fresh and chase whatever it is you'd like to do. We're all rooting for you and sending much love your way!! Hope maybe you'll update us another 4 months down the line :)
ReplyDelete(And I know it's not necessary to say, but that awful, crazypants JERK will totally get what's coming to him. I hope you reported him to the authorities!)
ReplyDeleteFUCK HIM.
ReplyDeleteThe good news is it only took you 4 months! So many of us have wasted years and decades in relationships that are beneath us. I've been trying to get a girlfriend to cut and run from a completely different type of asshole for 4 years. I've said all those things to her, and she won't hear it. She tells me things he's done months and years after because she knows how mad I'll be.
Never look back, lady.
Lady X, thank you for the advice - the last paragraph rang so true for me! I've been out of a 6yr, very one sided relationship, for the last 2 months and I feel so freeeeee! Wishing us both all the happiness in the world that we so deserve. XX
ReplyDeleteLady X, so much love to you.
ReplyDeleteI had to help my younger sister through a very similar and harrowing experience last year and it was so hard to see her at such a low ebb in her life. He took her money and put her into debt, manipulated her, verbally abused her and she worked two jobs to support him and his two children from a previous relationship while he didn't have a job. She eventually came home and it has been a year long recovery - she is still going to therapy.
ReplyDeleteYou sound like you are in a better place. While my sister wasn't engaged to her prick of an ex, she truly believed that he was her soulmate. I know that there are days where all you want to do is cry and curl up. But you are so unbelievably brave for standing up and walking out. Be proud of who you are.As you can see, we all are. The future is yours! xx
@Anon, I totally understand where you're sister is coming from. I do have my days, and I do have my moments where I can't. do. anything.
ReplyDeleteBut time heals all, and every day is another chance for me to be a little bit stronger. If I have a bad day, I tell myself again and again that I've got more going on for me than this. My life is composed of infinite amazing moments; not one horrifying stint. :)And, obviously, I can be wrong. If nothing else, I've learned patience for my future, and forgiveness for myself through this. <3
I was saved because I got lucky. When I left, I ran immediately into the arms of women who pulled me through. Women who validated everything that had happened, women who confirmed my suspicions. They spoke up.
Not all women are as lucky as me. It is important for you to give your loved ones OPTIONS, to give them your OPINION, and to again, and again, and again, ASK THEM TO LEAVE THEIR ABUSER. Be blunt. Be bold. Be brave. Believe me, this is not time to be tip-toeing around.
To all- <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
I am grateful for you and your heart.
Fcuking good post!! We need to stand up for ourselves more often!
ReplyDeleteWell done Lady, well done.
ReplyDeleteAnd *this* is what esb is all about, in between the snark there are (real, truly, genuinely) life-saving posts. Which isn't to say I don't love the snark, who doesn't love the snark?
Well shot, well done.
ReplyDeleteI am reading this blog from present to past - and came across this one. WAY TO GO GIRL!!!!! And such a nice and moving part of advice to your past self!
ReplyDelete