Dear ESB,
Though my boyfriend and I are not engaged yet--we do plan on getting married soon, though--I'm looking at some ceremony deets. BF has several old friends (six or seven) who would definitely be groomsmen. I, on the other hand, have fewer close friends, many of them men, I would want to include.
How unusual is it to have uneven bridal/groom's parties? I would have four close friends but--how awful does this sound--could easily stretch it to five or six if I include some fam. I'd be happy including them but don't think it'd be fair to them if it's just for uniformity. I'm certainly not going to ask BF to cut down on his side; I know how important these fellas are to him (and me).
Two, I have four close friends, two of which are men. The feminist in me wants to make sure the ladies are rep'd, but the, well, the feminist in me doesn't want them rep'd just for the sake of it. I obviously don't feel like I should have to make many compromises on this, but a strong part of me feels weird having such uneven, underrepresented groups.
Thoughts?
*****
It's not a BOARDROOM, it's a wedding.
He asks his best friends, you ask your best friends. Boom. Done.
But wait til you're engaged, mkay?
Photo by Michal Pudelka for Atomica Mag via Claire Cottrell
for reals. wedding planning is stressful - why start before you have to?
ReplyDeletePlenty of time to get your panties in a knot about all sorts of trivial details....ESB is right, don't bother with this issue until you are actually engaged. And even then, try to enjoy the glow of being engaged without the migraine-inducing pressure of wedding planning for at least a little while. For realz.
ReplyDeleteI have a mix of guys and gals standing up on my side, and the Mr. has all men on his side. We choose the people who meant the most. So we gave groomsmen, and bridesmen, who gives a fuck?
ReplyDeleteMy Mr. and I are marrying net June. He has 6 dudes standing up for him, I have two dudes and 3 ladies. The people standing up for us in our wedding are the people who stand up for us every other day of our lives. Numbers and genders shouldn't matter!
ReplyDeleteI had four bridesmaids; my husband had seven groomsmen. It never occurred to me to "stretch it out" for "uniformity." To my knowledge, none of our guests said - "It was a lovely wedding, but I wish she would've had more bridesmaids."
ReplyDeleteAnd I'll second everyone else here: Hold off on wedding planning until you are engaged. xo.
I wanted two friends to stand by my side, but my husband ultimately wanted his four closest friends. I never had an issue with it and it didn't look unbalanced at all, during the ceremony or during pictures. I had my two closest friends by my side keeping me calm on the wedding day, and he had the joy of hanging out with four dear friends before the wedding. Then, each girl got to leave with two men on her arm. How can you note love that? And if you have more guys than that, it's easy to have them walk out side by side.
ReplyDeleteI'm going to repeat this.
ReplyDeleteYour wedding does not have to match.
Your wedding party members (should you have them) don't have to match. Not in size, not in outfits, nada.
Your wedding itself doesn't have to match. Not the linens (should you have them) or the accessories (should you have those too) or your bouquet (you get the idea) or anything.
SERIOUSLY.
It won't matter. It certainly won't make a difference in pictures. And you'll save yourself sanity by not trying to make your wedding look like a Wooden Soldier catalog.
Trust me.
My groom had many more close friends than I, so we decided to just have one "attendant" -- his sister who we both adore. She served as our Best Man, Maid of Honor and everything in between.
ReplyDeleteMy parents had an uneven wedding party back in the 60s when shit like that still mattered to people, especially to my over bearing grandmother with Mommy Dearest tendencies.
ReplyDeleteDo whatever you want.
Ditto what ESB said. When hubs and I got married I had (have) three sisters, a sis-in-law and four super-close best friends, and homeboy had two bros and two bffs. So it was 8 girls and 4 boys; no prob, each lucky fellow had a lady on each arm as they paraded down the hayfield to our ceremony. Shazam.
ReplyDeleteAlso, more cash to spend on booze (or whatever is of equal importance).
ReplyDeleteSymmetry is rather overated. bean had more boys than I had girls. The world did not implode.
I had a high school friend get married recently and the bride had NINE bridesmaids (mostly sorority sisters) so he had nine groomsmen for the sake of uniformity. most of the dudes standing up there felt really weird about it - people know when they're a placeholder for even photos
ReplyDeleteESB - took the words right out of my mouth!
ReplyDeleteMore and more I've been seeing bridal parties with boys in them... I love it! The ppl who are important to you ARE IMPORTANT TO YOU... regardless of thier gender!
Chill, woman! And dudes standing with chicks? No prob. I had one. And it was awesome. Couldn't imagine it without him. I But you have pleeenty of time. Easy peasy.
ReplyDeleteIf you're going to be obsessed with uniformity you'd better go ALL the way with it. Back in the day, the point of the wedding party was to trick daemons into thinking THEY were the bride and groom, therefore keeping the actual bride and groom safe from any evil trickery/magic/curses on the big day. the bridesmaids dressed in white like the bride and the groomsmen wore exactly what the groom wore. :D
ReplyDelete...in other words, when picking who should stand up with you at your wedding, ask yourself "would this person take an evil spell for me?"
ReplyDeleteBest comment ever, Tonia.
ReplyDelete@Tonia ... Yes.
ReplyDeleteTonia nailed it.
ReplyDelete@Tonia always gets to the essence of a problem.
ReplyDeleteAgreed with other posters, HOWEVER I will throw out a point for the pre-planning - it is somewhat helpful to get a feel for each side's (the individual and their family)'s hot-button issues, and also budget considerations. Like, Grandma and everyone expect a full on Saturday night sit down but did you know a Saturday night sit down with dancing is $80 per head at anyplace reasonable near you? Just a thought. Decide that sort of stuff like, eloping to NYC and saying F* this noise, or, go all out and hope someone's got deep pockets. Not pre-attempting to balance out pictures.
ReplyDelete