Hi ESB,
I'm sorry for only ever asking you questions about officiants, but this aspect of wedding planning has been the most problematic. I'm in a bind. The wedding is just over 3 months away and I found out yesterday that I am officiant-less. My family friend who was a former pastor had qualms about performing a non-religious ceremony. I understand, I get it, but now I need an alternate. We had a possible back up plan who was okay with performing a non-religious ceremony but it turns out that since he is a Deacon, he can only marry people in a church. We are having our ceremony and reception in a bar/restaurant. It's too late to change the ceremony location.
I like the idea of having someone I know officiate the ceremony. I was considering asking a long-time friend to get ordained online but this article made me question the legality of doing that. In addition to the legality issue, my friend isn't used to public speaking, so I'm not sure how he would hold up in front of a crowd.
What do you think I should do? Do you or your readers have any recommendations for good NYC area officiants willing to perform a non-religious ceremony? If I have to go with a stranger, I'd at least like said stranger to come highly recommended...
*****
You're wise to be cautious. I know of two couples were "married" by friends this past year in the great state of Los Angeles and discovered weeks (or months?) later that the marriages were not in fact legal because said friends did not manage to mail the damn licenses in on time or fill in the correct zip codes.
It may not be brain surgery, but apparently it is almost as complicated as registering a vehicle with the DMV.
Anyhoo. Can anyone recommend a good NYC officiant?
Stella McCartney Resort 2012 via Tobacco & Leather
I had my brother officiate (who was ordained online) so now I am a little nervous.
ReplyDeleteFor more security, and for someone who can perform the ceremony in your venue I can recommend Rev. John Graf (www.theministerman.com)
I just coordinated a wedding where he did the ceremony on a windy restaurant balcony and was really great. Super on top of the details (I saw him go over the signing of license, etc. a few times) and he worked with the couple to get exactly the service they wanted.
We had a well-spoken friend officiate in NYC and he lost the paperwork, so ditto on the wise to be cautious bit. (The venue found it and all worked out, but it would have been a hassle.)
ReplyDeleteAnyhow, our venue (The Bell House, a music joint in Brooklyn) recommended two NYC officiants:
Jesse Hendrich, M. Div.
718‐344‐5398
www.jessehendrich.com
Barbara Ann Michaels
646‐648‐0128
http://ArtfulLove.com
Good luck!
J
Our friend was ordained for free through the Universal Life Church, printed out the documents they recommend for NYC and went to the office downtown where Pastors register. It cost $30, took TEN minutes and he is now licensed with the City of New York as a "minister" to perform weddings. We still have to fill out all of our paperwork correctly, but that should be it.
ReplyDeleteA friend (ordained online, though not through ULC) performed our wedding in New York and the registration process was pretty intensive.
ReplyDeleteIn New York the one other option that you have is that you can have a representative from the Ethical Culture Society officiate. http://www.nysec.org/
It's a really interesting doctrine and worth checking out. Good luck!
another wedding by universal life church here - we ordained my husband's brother online without him even knowing, asked the courthouse if that's a legit "license" and then they showed us a star wars Jedi license that's considered legal (apparently my state is pretty liberal with their definition of "ordained")
ReplyDeleteit really is about the paperwork more than anything. as long as it's mailed back promptly and with all the correct information, you'll be legally married. as for your friend that isn't used to public speaking, ask yourself how you honestly think he'll do. remember, you want your guests to enjoy your wedding, not feel awkward.
ReplyDeleteWell this might take some of the fun out of getting married on your actual wedding day, but why not just hit up the marriage bureau in NYC a few days before and get it done legally, super fast? That way, you can have anyone you want run the ceremony without worrying whether or not they mailed in their license. Plus, it's a good excuse to buy another nice dress and go out for beer and wings after!
ReplyDeleteIn addition to picking an officiant who is close to you and a good public speaker, consider their organization skills. For instance, I just read this and started to worry, but then remembered that my officiant friend is super diligent and borderline OCD. Shea already has all the documents and is wicket organized. Something tells me she won't forget to send it in. perfect!
ReplyDeleteMy fiance and I went back and forth about having a friend do our wedding. One friend declined because he felt too much pressure, and we finally decided a judge would work best for our non-religious ceremony. Ultimately, I'm glad we went this route. I didn't feel any obligation to the person performing the ceremony - either to make sure they knew I was happy or to encourage them/affirm how it was going. I could focus entirely on my husband and the importance of the moment and what we were saying to each other. So if you have any hesitation about how your friend would be as an officiant, I'd talk to a few judges/officiants in your area and see how you feel talking to them. If you get a good feeling and can find good reviews on Yelp (or from the lovely readers here), that might be the ticket.
ReplyDeleteIf you really want to be married by someone you know, go for it! Now you realize how important the paperwork stuff is so you know to be on top of it. Not being used to public speaking is different than being afraid of it nor being bad at it, so consider your friends relationship to public speaking before aking him...and in the case of a real fear give him am easy out for everyone's sake.
ReplyDeleteSecond recommendation for
ReplyDeleteBarbara Ann Michaels
646‐648‐0128
http://ArtfulLove.com
She officated our ceremony and it was amazing. She really gets to know you as a couple (with a very extensive and fun exploration/interview session) to help create a very person and moving ceremony.
My husband and I were married by our best friend (a stand up comic) in NY BUT we then got "married" the next day at the town hall b/c the legalities were shaky. We still count our first wedding with our BFF as our real wedding and call the other one our "second marriage."
ReplyDeletehttp://www.elopenyc.com/
ReplyDeletemy husband and i were considering them when we were thinking of eloping. cheap and non-religious cute husband and wife team (husband is a photographer, wife is the officiant). you don't have to use the husband if you don't need him.
I feel for you, it's a crappy situation. Our officiant is a rabbi, and though she was super awesome*, she is still a religious officiant. After reading your email I was wondering, is it NYC or your friend's church that says he can't perform weddings outside the church? If I remember correctly, religious officiants need to have a congregation, not necessarily perform the ceremony where they meet. Since you'd be going the non-religious route with the ceremony anyhow, this could be a work around.
ReplyDelete*If anyone is in need of a rabbi for their ceremony, I can't recommend Rabbi Carie Carter of Park Slope Jewish Center highly enough. She had been my family rabbi for 10 years but still took the time to meet with us and get us discussing Big Married Life Things in a way that was totally for her getting to know us and our benefit as a couple rather than religious indoctrination. She was flexible ("Yeah, I can do that." isn't a response one expects from a rabbi when you ask "Can we keep the God talk to a minimum?") and gay friendly. She wrote us a beautiful ceremony that was my most complimented part of the wedding!
I was ordained online and married my friends, and as far as I know, it's considered a legal union, though I am in WA state, not NY, so it could be different. I took the task seriously though and mailed in all the paperwork etc. I mean really, that's the least I could do for good friends. It's not that hard!
ReplyDeletewww.civilofficiant.com
ReplyDeleteI say great opportunity to look into having a friend marry you! My husband's aunt was ordained online, also by Universal Life Church. Fast and easy. We spent a lot of time working on our ceremony with her and it was completely wonderful to have someone close to us officiate. It was intimate, heartfelt, and extremely memorable. We were nervous enough as it was, so it was really comforting to have her there in front of all those people guiding us along. If you go this route, definitely choose someone who takes the job seriously and who's comfortable in front of a crowd. Obviously the rules for officiants vary by state... but it sounds like your officiate will need to be registered within Manhattan (not just NY state): http://www.cityclerk.nyc.gov/html/marriage/officiant_reg.shtml but as Anonymous said above, this certainly should be a roadblock, http://tinyurl.com/6h6ppa8 At this point you definitely still have time to do this and I highly recommend the experience of having someone who's close to you do the i-do honors. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteWe are having a close friend "officiate" our ceremony by helping us write the liturgy/service/program etc. She doesn't feel comfortable with the legal aspect of this job so we will have a judge show up for the paperwork or head to courthouse the next day. For my fiance and me, the ceremony is all about symbolism, ritual and celebration, not the legality of it all. I am very comfortable with diving the two tasks to two different people, maybe you would be too?
ReplyDeleteSeconding Jesse Hendrich. We used him and he was wonderful.
ReplyDeleteAccording to Section 11 of the Domestic Relations Law, the following people are authorized to perform marriages in New York:
ReplyDeletehttp://www.health.state.ny.us/publications/4210.pdf
To Shayna's point above:
"A member of the clergy or minister who has been officially ordained and granted authority to perform marriage ceremonies from a governing church body in accordance with the rules and regulations of the church body." So, it's the church's rule, but NYS honors it in their law language.
yet another USLer here...what was most important to us (non-religious, wedding at fave restaurant) was that our officiant knew something about marriage. the priest that married my brother is in prison now, and that kind of got me to thinking, "huh. so this person that isn't allowed to have a romantic relationship is marrying people". totally weird to me. into this story comes my dad, married 40 years, through good times and bad times, with 3 grown children that are fine human beings...it meant a lot to us that the person that married us was a believer in us as a couple and in the idea of marriage. what i didn't realize going into it is how special planning the speaking parts with him would be, what we would learn about each other and our belief systems, what he would learn about my husband. i know it's not for everyone, but it turned out beautifully over here...
ReplyDeleteoh, and the paperwork was easy. just follow directions to a T
ReplyDeleteFind a notary.
ReplyDeleteI'm in CA, and marriage laws vary from state to state, but almost everyone in my family has chosen someone to marry them and just gotten them ordained online. Hasn't been an issue yet. We're doing the same thing.
ReplyDeleteActually, (and I know this won't help you in NY) in CA you can get someone deputized for the day and they can perform your marriage ceremony. This is how I wanted to handle ours, but the application process is a little complicated and our officiant is out of state, so we'll probably go the online route instead. But it's a cool option if you live in CA and your officiant does as well.
I'm in Canada so I don't know if would be the same in the States... my best friend got ordained and after reading up on this I realized we wouldn't be legally married if she performed the ceremony.
ReplyDeleteWhat we did was still had her officiate but we hired a marriage commissioner to still show up and just hang out on the sidelines. She said she does it all the time. She had all the paper work, we signed the marriage certificate and off she went with it. Ta da! Legally married!
Oh, I need to flex my focus muscles on this one. I too plan on having a friend get us hitched. The concern has crossed my mind that we might flub up and just be pretend married. I know Massachusettes and the whole damn common wealth of New England has some weird laws.
ReplyDeleteThis post is a great reminder to double check on it.