Is it okay to proceed without any money?

Dear ESB,

Never thought I'd be writing this, but here it is....

I am currently planning two weddings for the end of this year, one in Shanghai and one in Singapore. Two weddings, because my family lives in Singapore, the man's extended family in Shanghai, and the both of us in Australia.

We've only been out of uni 3 years now, and aren't earning big bucks at all. And, we have a 4 year old mortgage. Why so soon, you ask? It's a long, complex story involving his parents that I won't go into because this email is going to be long enough on its own, and basically there was very little choice for him but to do it. His family has always been quite money-poor, and he worked very hard to rustle up the initial deposit, working 5 hours a day while attending uni full time. At that point, I was not involved in any of this - we were still just dating, albeit very seriously, and he didn't ask for any financial contribution on my part (not that I would have been able to afford it!) When we eventually moved in together, we were already discussing marriage. Naturally, I began contributing toward the mortgage, and with our combined earnings we got by very smoothly.

We had a registry marriage a year ago and have since combined our savings into a joint account, which is where our salaries go and where bill payments, mortgage repayments etc. come out of. Neither of us have savings anywhere else. Basically, the two overseas weddings are for our families - it is not negotiable, we are expected to have them. I didn't mind so much, as we were maintaining a good savings rate and have sufficient equity now to borrow against should we need more money for the wedding. I'd been planning and organising everything with confidence because in the back of my mind, I KNEW we had a lump of money sitting in our account and could definitely pay for the photographer, the gown, the flowers, the smaller things like that y'know. The massive wedding dinners were another matter, but because everything else was sufficiently covered, I didn't feel too bad about borrowing to pay for them.

And then! Two days ago he comes and tells me that he actually borrowed a substantial amount of money from his aunt when he initially bought the house, and that she wants to collect her dues because she's going to invest in some real estate. So we needed to pay her. It was like being hit in the face with a brick. Suddenly, our bank account balance is sitting at the frighteningly meagre sum of $560, and I can't help but feel like crying or running into a wall every time I think about it.

We have booked the church, the priest, and a 20-table restaurant in Singapore at the cost of $1,000 a table. I have spent $500 so far just on getting the lining fabric for my wedding gown and securing the dressmaker's services, and will need to spend another $500 on the remainder of the fabric alone, not to mention the remaining $500 I will owe the dressmaker at the end of it all. Last week, I signed the contract with the photographer for his services, which will cost us $2,300, minus the $500 deposit. I have already started to tackle the invitations, floral arrangements and bridal party attire. I am freaking out now, wondering how we're going to pull this off.

Our combined earnings is $6,000 a month, currently, and our mortgage repayments are $2,000 a month. Typically, credit card bills amount to another $2,000 (includes utilities, transport, food etc.) That leaves us with a savings of $2,000 a month, if we don't spend on anything extraneous, which would mean at best we would have $14,000 by the end of November. Why couldn't he have told this me before so that I could have planned accordingly?? We can't borrow money from his parents because they have almost nothing. We can't borrow money from my parents because they've just lent a bucketload to my eldest sister for the down payment on a $1.2 million apartment, who incidentally also just got engaged, and they are still supporting my younger brother who is still in school. I honestly wouldn't mind scaling down the wedding at this point, except we've BOOKED things, we've laid down oodles of cash as DEPOSITS, we've informed family members who have cleared calendars and booked plane tickets and arranged accommodation etc.!!!!

Am I being unreasonable for freaking out like this? Is this really okay to proceed without any money like this? Or should I cut our losses: dump whatever we've booked and postpone the whole bloody thing (we HAVE to have the weddings, both our families have made no bones about it)? Also, is it fair of me to fly off the handle at him for this? He didn't intentionally keep it from me, it's just that when he did it I was not involved, and when I did start contributing he didn't realise that I didn't know. And her asking for it now is just really, really bad timing. But I FEEL like screaming at him and I FEEL like chucking the whole thing out the window. I'm so angry and upset I can't even think straight. Please help!

Sincerely,
Losing it

*****

When I got this email I knew that a) you needed not to cancel your wedding(s) but to streamline and b) I was in no way qualified to tell you how to do that.

So I tracked down Becca of A Los Angeles Love, who dealt with a lot of money + family issues when she was planning her own wedding. And who (lucky you) turns out to be a whole lot more patient and nurturing than I am.

Anyhoo. Here's the wee response Becca dashed off on her way to New York yesterday:

Dear Losing It,

First of all, you’re clearly NOT being unreasonable about freaking out like this. In fact, if you didn’t have a bit of a crying/screaming meltdown, I’d assume you either had superhuman control or a hidden trust fund you aren’t telling me about. So. Rant and scream a bit and, once you’re done, let’s pick apart this tangle of issues and emotions. Because, from what you wrote, I actually think there are two big-picture problems and it would be best to address them separately:

    The breach of trust between you and your husband
    The complicated mess of a wedding, which included:

    The cost of the wedding/lack of money
    The pressure of family expectations and obligation

Trust Stuff
Finances are about more than accounting. Having savings is about feeling secure. Having joint finances requires complete trust in your partner. It’s no wonder you want to scream at your husband, because this situation violated both of those emotions. Luckily, it doesn’t sound like he meant to keep anything from you, but you probably can’t get rid of the feeling of betrayal until you both clear the air.

Therefore, you need to have a come-clean session about finances. It has to include all debt (private, school-related, or family-related) and all assets and accounts. You need to both be on the same page that you’re really in this together by developing a full repayment plan and defining your joint long-term goals. You need to create entirely transparent histories and financial systems. Mostly, you need to feel like you’re working as a team again so you can move on.

Wedding Stuff
Since you HAVE to have the weddings (and I know something about family obligation and weddings you’re paying for yourself) I’d recommend just getting it over with. There’s no perfect answer here. If you postpone, you’ll have more time to save money. However, a) people will be upset about changed travel plans/costs, b) you may lose deposits anyhow and, most importantly, c) you don’t sound that enthusiastic about these weddings, so you’ll probably be resentful that you have to scrimp and save for a whole damn year to throw these two shindigs in the style you originally planned (I also know something about long engagements due to saving up for a wedding. ie, they blow.) Don’t postpone, just get realistic and creative about the budget you have.

Wedding Budget/Expenses
Focus On What You Have: $14,000 by November isn’t chump change, and you’ve already partially paid for some vendors. You also said your original plan included debt/borrow against the house. Figure out the real amount you're comfortable borrowing. $14,000 plus your borrowing is your new budget. The resulting event may look a lot different than the wedding you imagined, but you can absolutely throw a wedding (or two) for $14,000+.

Start Over: You have to cut back. $14,000+ buys you a wildly different wedding than your original budget, so you need to start over again. You need to redefine your wedding priorities from the ground up. You can mourn the weddings you lost, but it’s time to move forward with a new vision without clinging to the downmarket leftover remnants of the original vision. Get excited about something new.

Reevaluate Each Vendor: In the process of redefining, you may realize that a photographer isn’t important to you anymore. In that case, ditch the deposit. Yes, you already spent $500, but forget about it. It’s already gone and this decision saves you $1800. Research cheaper alternatives and do some big-picture math to figure out if you’d lose/gain more by cutting your loses.

Ask For Help: It sounds like you’ve taken on the whole burden of this yourselves and you’ve assumed your families can’t help. Stop assuming, especially since you’re doing this for them. See if family (including extended family – like that inconvenient aunt) can help with paying for a specific aspect of the wedding as their wedding gift (paying for the dress, paying for the invitations, paying for the booze, whatever). People like to feel involved with weddings and like giving gifts, especially when the gift feels so concrete.

Don't Assume Help is Only Monetary: Reach out to your friends and family and tell people what you’re struggling with. See if they have any creative ideas or skills. See if they have connections. I assumed my friends were busy, bored, and not crafty. That was before friends played our ceremony music, baked us a three-tiered cake, cut flowers for centerpieces, stamped placecards, and did boatloads of other insane wedding crap that saved us lots of money and (even better) made our wedding so much more personal and special. It can't hurt to ask.

Family
The situation is different now. If they are requiring you to have these weddings, they should either help with the weddings or get comfortable with your changed circumstances and pared down wedding. They aren’t paying for this – YOU are, and you need to put your financial health first, or no one else will do it for you. And frankly, if they love you, they don’t want to see you in massive debt for a party on their behalf. Period.

Of course, that’s easier said than done. I’m reading between the lines here but, if your sister just bought a $1.2mil apartment, your family is probably in an income bracket that has some weighty expectations for The Way Weddings Are Done. And that means their wedding pressure on you is really about the social pressure on them. Battling expectations, social pressure, and financial reality is hard stuff, so tread carefully but remain firm. Because the reality is you simply can’t afford the wedding you had originally planned on and, apparently, neither can they. That may be hard for your parents to accept, but having these hard conversations is the real point of a wedding. Redefining family obligations (your primary obligation is to your husband and your new couple-family, and not to your parents' pressures) is a hard adjustment and doesn't happen without some painful battles. But you have to do it now, or these pressures can haunt you for the rest of your married life.

You have to remind them (again and again if necessary) that having two weddings, even two inexpensive-ish weddings, is honoring their wishes and your family. To honor family, you do not need to pay $100 per person for a restaurant bill. And if they honor and respect you, they shouldn’t expect you to go into tons of debt for a wedding you can’t afford.

Good luck.

(+ ♥'s from me)

Anna Selezneva by Mariano Vivanco for Vogue Russia June 2011 via Fashion Gone Rogue via {this is glamorous} via cevd