Hey there,
So I'm getting married in two months and have been a bit unsure of how to go about registering for gifts. I think almost every option here is a bit a tacky, but what seems really tacky is just asking for cash up front. But my fiance and I are moving to London (from the US) after the wedding, so we really don't want to have more stuff to ship there. So- is it okay to just ask for cash?
I mean, I know I don't have to ask for anything at all, but what do I say when people ask?
Thanks!
*****
IT'S NOT OKAY TO ASK FOR CASH. What, were you raised in a barn?
When people ask, you say, "We're about to move to London. We really don't need anything."
They'll give you cash if they feel like it.
Photo: Joanna Kustra via Huong Nguyen Fralin via Megan Boltz via Sunday in Bed + Design You Trust
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For more on this subject, you might want to peruse "Is it tacky to register for a honeymoon?" + "A forkless wedding, and showers for $$$"
I was invited to a wedding in Sept where the bride and groom wrote a poem that said "we have stuff, we just want cash" and put it in the invites of everyone but family members. It was insane and insulting all at once.
ReplyDeleteBefore we got married... we had this same debate. And I totally defended cash registries (because telling what people should buy you seems equally greedy). So in the end... we just didn't register. Because there was nothing to register for. And then everyone... gave us cash anyhow.
ReplyDeleteESB is right. I was JUST at a wedding where the bride and groom had no registry, because they were moving oversees a couple weeks later. Most people gave them cash, but they did end up getting a few nice, thoughtful gifts from people who just couldn't resist (someone got them really nice luggage, which was kind of perfect...)
ReplyDeleteSeriously. It's 2011. The majority of people know that lack of registry = cash gifts appreciated.
ReplyDelete@Sarah WHAT?! Holy crap. Technically it's rude to even list a gift registry on an invitation. People may decide to give gifts, but they aren't obligated to!
ReplyDelete@Sarah and Mouse - I got one of those puke inducing poems in an invitation, I ignored it and sent a bottle of champagne as I couldn't make it to the wedding. On another note a couple I know asked for cash for a honeymoon and so far, almost three years later, the cash is still in the account with no honeymoon in sight.
ReplyDeleteyou can also do an online honeymoon registry
ReplyDeleteOR
ask people to donate to your favorite charity(ies) as gifts
I just want to say that I loooove this photo.
ReplyDeleteAnd second what everyone else said.
Like all good marketing campaigns (because isn't that what wedding invitations are?), you gotta know your audience.
ReplyDeleteIf you're just inviting family and close friends, than informing your parents, bridal party, etc. that you just want cash will work because they'll spread the word.
Inviting a bunch of people that might not know who to ask? Create a "cash registry" (e.g. help us move to London). My aunt who's in her 40s just got married and had a "help us landscape our backyard" registry. It's 2011, let's stop making gift giving about us and start making it about the gift recipient.
Register somewhere you can return gifts for cash rather than gift cards.
ReplyDeleteHey, I was in this position! Getting married and then moving to London, I mean.
ReplyDeleteWe did a honeymoon registry (honeyfund.com). It was GREAT. I mean great. It let people give us something that we actually wanted. We also had a give-to-charity option and, for the old-school folks, a teensy registry at Target (tupperware!). Having a robust website made it easy to offer this slew of options, and everyone ended up happy in the end.
Initially, I was totally squeamish about the whole registry thing (frankly, I'm still morally grossed out by the epic lavish Williams-Sonoma lists that some of my acquaintances have put out), but eventually I had to accept that my mother was right: people generally want to give you something, and that's very nice of them.
it is NEVER okay to ask for cash- so frigging tacky.
ReplyDeleteAND while i'm AT IT- those fucking "honeymoon registries" that just give the couple cash instead of the imaginary excursions the guests think they're paying for are BOTH sneaky AND rude
Asking for cash is only tacky because people aren't giving you gifts to provide for what you need or want, they're giving gifts to make them feel better. People buy for themselves not for you. Gift giving is a super selfish activity on the part of the giver, and if you tell people what you want or NEED, then they feel as if they've been bossed into giving you something and tend to rebel. It's total bullshit.
ReplyDeleteIf you need cash and really don't want crap that you can't ship to London, then find a nice way to tell people. On your wedding website, maybe? If you were going to put something about a registry in the invite, then write something simple and direct, explaining why you don't want or need items that you'll have to move.
Fuck all this tackiness business. If people really want to GIVE for your life, then you should be allowed to tell them just what you need.
Jess is exactly right: "It's 2011, let's stop making gift giving about us and start making it about the gift recipient."
i'm with esb. i'm still wondering why people think it is ok to register for cash. this really burns me up. you can't ask for it. but you will receive it anyway, even if you don't ask.
ReplyDeleteWith ESB 100%.
ReplyDeleteActually, moving to a foreign country is probably the best excuse you'll ever get to not register or have people buy you random things. People will understand that you can't take a bunch of stuff with you. And they'll probably give you cash by default. Or they won't, and that's fine too.
Last wedding I was at, there was a real mini wishing well complete with poem in the invitation, bit like one of these: http://www.wishfulweddingwellhire.co.uk/#/poems/4542962876. I think the poem was meant to explain the concept, but from the lack of actual bank notes in the invitation I guess it didn't have the desired effect- if people did give cash it was in the normal envelope form.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, what esb said. As usual.
1. Asking for cash is awful.
ReplyDelete2. Honeymoon registries are almost as awful.
3. If you don't need anything, consider those who DO, and direct your guests to your favourite charity.
4. Older guests will want to buy you something regardless. It's tradition. It's unavoidable. Your circumstances are tricky coz obviously you don't want to lug a bunch of stuff to London. But what about registering with a UK store? All the big department stores have websites - you might be able to set up a register online where you can collect the gifts once you're settled in your new place. Somewhere like John Lewis or Marks & Spencer would be a good option - I'm not suggesting you register at Harrods!
5. Chances are you will still end up with some cash - some people can't be bothered to do anything else.
My sister and her husband moved to Argentina immediately following their wedding, so they said that they didn't want gifts and that cash was appreciated, and I never heard anyone complain about that being "tacky." In fact, people seemed more than happy to help them start their new life on a new continent.
ReplyDeleteFor folks who are ok with charity registries - if you ask for gift certificates for Kiva, you can cash them out after a few lending cycles (they are used to make microfinance loans, which have a pretty good repayment rate). Sneaky, maybe? But you're less likely to get busted on it.
ReplyDeleteIn France where I am from, it's customary to ask for cash, and have a box for guests to put checks in the day of. So I don't think it's tacky. No one ever brings random gifts, THAT would be tacky.
ReplyDeletePeopel will totally get it that you're moving overseas. Give them some credit. Although I begged and begged not to have a shower before moving from the Dominican Republic to the States, my co-workers threw me a "surprise" shower. Everyone contributed money to go towards a big gift card in the States. I didn't have to explain to anyone.
ReplyDeleteAnd honeymoon registries are creepy. I'm not judging. I just think they're creepy!!!!
What Julie said. On the Old Continent EVERYONE asks for cash. Even on the poshest of invitations sets there'll be a little envelope-symbol and a bank account number. Come on, it's 2011 peeps!
ReplyDeleteI ABSOLUTELY disagree with ESB. One of my most tactful friends moved to London a couple years ago shortly after her wedding and asked for cash.
ReplyDeleteThat being said, she pulled aside one-on-one some of her more tactful friends and spread the problem and had a nice, polite note on her website explaining that shipping costs were WAY TOO HIGH and that it was already going to be tough to ship what they already had. (Furthermore they didn't yet have an address to ship to.)
If you choose to not explicitly ask and instead hope, I'd revise ESB's suggestion to, "We're moving to London, so we're not going to be able to take any gifts with us!"
"We don't need anything" is a boldfaced lie, because OMG moving is so expensive.
I'm so baffled with the anti-Honeyfund sentiment. I'm a 31-year-old living in San Francisco with a social circle I consider to be far from tacky (they're all awesome, educated artists and professionals) and every wedding I've been invited to in the past three years has used Honeyfund. And now that I'm engaged, I'm damn excited about using it myself. The whole idea of gift registries was invented for couples who get married and THEN move in together, which, at least in San Francisco, hardly ever happens anymore. My boyfriend and I have been living together awhile, our kitchen is stocked (and mostly with vintage things from flea markets that would be un-register-able anyway). If people want to get us stuff, get us want we want: drinks in Paris! I plan on including photos of the events/items that each individual honeyfunded (e.g., dinner out at a French restaurant, room with a view, etc) in the thank-you cards. I personally love the idea of buying someone an experience instead of a possession, and I truly don't understand what's so offensive about it.
ReplyDeleteRegister for a small list of things from a store in UK... that way you don't have to lug crap over there. BUT, also ask for gifts of experiences. A couple I know who moved to Australia asked their guests to do this and they've gone on wine tastings, eaten at fabulous restaurants, hot air balloon rides, scuba diving excursions etc.
ReplyDeleteI'm with Jess and Holly. Why is this even an issue? Ask for what you need/want, everyone else does.
ReplyDeleteTotally behind Fenn on this one (couldnt have said it better myself!)
ReplyDelete