Dear ESB,
My boyfriend and I are currently experiencing a year highjacked (both vacation time and disposable income wise) by weddings. So far the tally is up to 8 and let me be clear that we are very stoked about all of them.
There is one, however, that is proving to be... well kind of a bummer. My boyfriend is a groomsman and he like most of the wedding party is from a place in the Central Time Zone. The wedding is on a Thursday in a place in the Pacific Time Zone (not the bride's home mind you). This of course means that we will have to leave on Wednesday and miss work on Thursday and Friday, BUT I forgive them this because it's a great way to save money, and from what I understand, the bride's fam is causing major dramz. Plus we decided that we would stay in this city (that neither of us have been to) for the weekend and enjoy some sightseeing and much needed malarkey.
Well, it turns out the groom wants my boyfriend to come in on Tuesday for the bachelor party and to be present for the rehearsal which is actually early Wednesday morning. Both the groom and the bride are in academia, meaning summers are still summers in their world. Also, the groom expressed some major discontent about the prospect of bros not showing up for any of these weekday events.
Now, ESB, I personally can't imagine scheduling the way they have if I sincerely wanted my friends to attend any of these nuptial related events. In fact, I am blood boiling annoyed with the whole situation. We have other friends and family that are getting married this year that mean a heck of a lot more than this guy and we'd like to use our finite vacation time for them instead. Am I getting my bloomers unnecessarily in a twist, or is my mood warranted? How would you handle the situation?
Keep in mind that we have another wedding in another city the next weekend.
Terse And Really Disappointed in the South (TARDIS) <-- Yeah that's right
*****
Straight-up tell the groom, "We can't take more than two vacation days."
BRIDES AND GROOMZILLAS OUT THERE, LET THIS BE A WARNING TO YOU: YOUR WEDDING IS NOT EVERYONE ELSE'S TOP PRIORITY.
Mug shot via F/F via THESE AMERICANS
Fact. Tardis (love it!) you are not crazy, they are crazy. It's enough that you're taking two days off already! Jebus!
ReplyDeleteMy record is 13 weddings in one year. I feel like they all gathered and collectively scheduled all of them on long weekends too. Memorial Day, July 4th, Labor Day and Thanksgiving weekend were all booked. I HATE people who do that (but all I do is piss and moan about it on the internet).
ReplyDeleteShoot, people should be lucky that their friends/family take the one day off, let alone six for their weddings. Being there doesn't always make anyone more or less of a friend. Understanding why someone is or isn't there does, however (but that's just how I think).
-Miss G
Here's the thing, it's their wedding. It's their top priority not necessarily yours. You do what you can and what you want. You are just as entitled to do what you need to do as they are to have the wedding on a Thursday. No need to get all upset about it, that's just bad form.
ReplyDeletePreach it, ESB.
ReplyDeleteSo be there for what you can. If you need to explain why you can't make for all the events do so in a reasonable fashion that accentuates your busy summer and work schedule and don't tell them their planning was bad or inconsiderate. People don't need that kind of crap around their wedding day. What they need is support from their friends and loved ones. No one is entitled to make them feel bad about that.
ReplyDeleteUgh I feel ya, I have 7 weddings to attend this year and just received an invite to another one that is also on a thursday afternoon. I understand saving money by not having it on a saturday, but then have a smaller evening ceremony? Irksome to have to book a day off work midweek (and then to read the insert in the elaborate and colossal invitation asking people to bring cash for their wishing well...)
ReplyDeleteHoly ballz. TARDIS. Just made my barely-made-it-through-coffee morning.
ReplyDeleteI think when you plan a mid-week wedding you do so knowing that some people won't be able to make it. As long as you are polite and let them know when you will and won't be there you should be good. If your man can't participate in the rehearsal/bachelor he might have to step down as a groomsman but maybe that's the best thing to do.
ReplyDeleteESB nailed it! You other folks did too. All you can do is all you can and if that's 2 days the couple should be happy to be receiving that much of your attention.
ReplyDeleteI am frustrated with couples not realizing it is an honor that their guests actually come to their weddings as much of an honor as it is to be invited to a wedding.
Some people tend to forget that an invitation implies a choice, it isn't an abduction at gunpoint.
Attending a wedding and being in the wedding are two different things, and should be treated as such, IMO. Granted, it's bad form on their part to drop the bomb of their expectation of your man being there a few extra days without perhaps enough notice (if that's the case), but one would expect, as a member of the wedding party, to need a day or two extra beyond the ceremony to participate in rehearsal, etc. If you can't, either discuss with the bride and groom, or bow out and just attend. If "this guy" isn't that important to you - collectively, I assume - why is your boyfriend in the wedding? I think it's a little distasteful for you to get angry because they didn't plan around your busy summer.
ReplyDeleteshit, @Rob. i have been inviting people all wrong.
ReplyDeletenormally i have more to say...but this time....i think ESB said it all.
ReplyDeleteYes, ESB nailed it.
ReplyDelete@ lauren - We're rethinking our invites as I write this. I'm thinking a hazing type surprise wedding.
@eRiN, I agree. Your boyfriend is IN the wedding, which is a game-changer. I don't think the groom is being a 'zilla, I just think he's clueless. Having said that, this schedule is putting you in a pickle and you do need to deal with it.
ReplyDeleteDevil's advocate, it could be the groom's way of making sure people don't have to buy two plane tickets. I know me personally, I would rather take 2 extra days off than spring for an additional round-trip plane ticket.
There is the option, too, of you two flying out separately, with him going a little bit early - not ideal, I realize, but this allows him to fulfill his groomsman responsibilities while making it so you don't have to take more time off than you were planning.
If this is not an option, I think that your boy needs to speak up. "Hey, listen, [Girlfriend] and I are booked solid with weddings we need/want to attend this summer, and as a result our vacation time is stretched really thin. I can't take more than [x] number of days off of work, so I simply cannot be there until Wednesday evening. Please let me know what I can do to make it up to you in some other way." Or something to that effect.
I disagree with PP saying he should bow out as groomsman. I don't see why skipping the bachelor party or rehearsal should automatically disqualify him. I'm having a Friday wedding and not everyone can make it to my rehearsal, and I'm cool with it. Walking down the aisle is not rocket science. I'm giving the missing attendants a quick minute of prep the day of and I'm sure they'll be good to go.
ReplyDeleteSidenote: I'm surprised no one has commented on what a STUPID idea it is to have the bachelor party Tues night and the rehearsal the next morning?! My boy is having his shindig Tues night and I'm worried that we'll still have lingering hangovers for our Wednesday night rehearsal. Planning FAIL on their part.
Even if I lived in town, and didn't have to take off work time to travel, I can't see that I would want to party on a Tuesdaay. Maybe as a grad student, but...as a regular person with a job, I'd probably be inclined to say no booze before noon, no strippers and steaks before Thursdays. Once I passed 25 and worked a desk job for over 2 years, I found my lifestyle metabolism slowed down a lot.
ReplyDeleteSo even if your dude went to this party, I bet it's going to be lame. Club staff and patrons on Tuesdays are probably comparable to the rule that you don't eat at a really fancy restaurant on a Monday, because that's the night that the least seasoned cook is on the line, while the heavy hitters sleep off the weekend rush. I mean, maybe they have a really stunning night at the opera planned, but...yeah, if he's expecting a really awesome raunchy blow out, Tuesday isn't the day.
What if you guys offer to host them after the wedding? Sample text: "Oh we're so sorry, we can't take that many work days off, but we'd love to make it up to you by having you guys come stay with us at some point."
E - VERY good points, and EXCELLENT advice. I think the key way to play it off is (somewhat) apologetic* that you are unable to do more, and gracious.
ReplyDelete*I'm not sure if "apologetic" is the right word, so I hope you know what I mean.