Hi ESB,
This has been something that has been causing me stress since my wedding in early August 2010. I am not good with confrontation especially when it comes to people that mean a lot to me. So I tend to avoid it all together. I have spoken to a couple of friends about this, but I need someone who sees it from the outside to see if I am in the wrong.
Our wedding was small, about 60 people, with 40 being from out of town. It was exactly what we wanted and couldn't have had a better day. My problem lies in the fact that 2 of my closest girlfriends feel that I didn't spend enough time with them, so they are not speaking to me, even nine months later. The only reason I now know why, is I spoke to one of them in Jan. (after I called them both multiple times). She acted like nothing was wrong, that she had just been very busy. I had made a comment about visiting this coming summer and seeing them and she replies with "if you have time." It didn't really hit me at the time of the call, but it did later on that day. This is the one and only time we have spoken. Needless to say I am extremely hurt by the fact that I am now being ignored.
To give a little more background, my husband and I moved to CO in 2008. We were not engaged at the time, but knew it would eventually happen. When we did get engaged we decieded that we wanted it in our new home town. My two girlfriends and their significant others came out the Thursday before our wedding. I invited them over to our apt, since this was their first time out. They declined and went to a local restaurant with bad margaritas. There was no invite for my husband and I. The next day, I went to get my manicure/pedicure done and a few friends joined. The two friends joining as well. Things seemed fine. We had a dinner that night with everyone who came from out of town, after dinner we went for drinks and my friends secluded themselves and then left without saying goodbye. I wonder if I should have made more of an effort to include them, but they weren't trying. Do I ignore everyone else, so to talk with them? At the wedding they did the same thing. I went over to their table and said hello, then when I went to find them later, they were sitting inside on a bench. Everyone else was outside. I got pulled away and again they left without saying goodbye. They were on a plane early the next morning.
I have known these two girls since freshman year of college and now we are in our early 30s. I feel at this age, we shouldn't be acting like this and I don't want to, I am just at a loss as to what to say.
I feel that at this point, I am not sure our friendship can be salvaged. Was I in the wrong or what do I do now?
*****
Please don't waste ONE MORE IOTA of energy worrying about these "friends" of yours.
Bubye friends. Bye! We had some good times, but I'm moving on.
Life's too short.
Image: Rupert Shrive via PourPorter via obia, the 3rd
Agreed. If anyone's done anything wrong, it's them. You've tried to stay in contact and have made an effort, while they've essentially played hard to get. Time to move on.
ReplyDeletePreach !
ReplyDeleteProbably everyone is going to comment "get rid of them they have been bitches" which it sounds like they have. BUT
ReplyDeleteThere's no harm in saying "sorry, I love you, I want to be friends, can we make up please, I miss you". Even if they were completely in the wrong, my attitude is it's always better to have friends in your life and look after relationships large and small.
But it's up to you, it depends how much you liked them in the first place. Does it bother you to think you might lose them completely from your life?
Things are always salvageable. But do you want it to be?
Then once it's salvaged, maybe you can say "Oi bitches, you hurt my feelings too."
They obviously came with a chip on their shoulder, and there is nothing that could have changed that. I notice this sometimes - I also live apart from some of my close friends, and often feel left out when we all get together. They were probably bottling all this energy up about whatever 'wrong' you caused (before they came to the wedding) and bitching about it together. maybe they felt they shouldn't have to travel for the wedding. who knows what it was.
ReplyDeletethe point now you have to decide is whether or not YOU want these people in your life. for the sake of closure, I'd at least give it one more try, with direct language about what happened. Don't admit being in the wrong (you're not! who knows anyway! people are sensitive!), I'd just say something like actsofbeauty said. if they are really that important to you, you will make sure they stay in your life. if not, it's better for all parties to go their own ways.
if they aren't interested in your peace offering, good riddance. spend your time with your new husband and finding NEW friends who really want to be around you. just because they are old friends doesn't mean they are good friends. not all people are a fine wine.
agreed. what batches.
ReplyDeleteWhat big babies. Lose 'em.
ReplyDeleteThey were silly to have any sort of expectation of special one on one time with you during the most important and busiest weekend/day of your life. They should have been there with an attitude of support and love for you instead of worrying about themselves and how much attention they were or weren't getting. What they did to you was immature and selfish and you would be better off to stop worrying over them and get on with your life making new, meaningful, adult relationships!!
ReplyDeleteThank you everyone for your feedback/support. I really appreciate it!
ReplyDeleteIf you want these people in your life but don't like confrontation maybe you could just send a handwritten letter saying you think you may have upset them and would welcome the chance to talk about it. If they value your friendship and have, in their eyes, good reason for behaving so badly this is an opportunity for them to tell you.
ReplyDeletePersonally I think behaving like teenagers at a wedding is pathetic and maybe you've grown up and they haven't. You sound like a nice person and they don't!
Aw, I hate this feeling! If you really miss them and think they have a place in your friendship roster for the future, get in touch and make nice. But if this is more of a frustrated "do I deserve this crap?" vent about people whose place in your life has changed over the last few years/months, then maybe it's time to recognize that the energy you're expending over these cold girls could be put to better use by making some new awesome friends in your new awesome home.
ReplyDeletethats why chicks suck to hang out with. would NEVER happen with dudes
ReplyDeletemy attitude is it's always better to have friends in your life and look after relationships large and small.
ReplyDeleteSee, I used to feel this way, too. But, sometimes, it's not better. If people are going to be catty and make you feel like crap just because they can and dwell on perceived slights (or even, real slights that you're unaware you caused and they WON'T TALK TO YOU ABOUT IT), then it's not worth it. Because while it is important to look after your relationships, it's not worth it when they are one-sided.
I don't let go of frienships easily so i would probably give them one last chance, calling them on their behaviour and just saying straight out 'look, what on earth is going on with you guys? are we calling this frienships quits?' and they'll at least be forced to explain themselves.
ReplyDeleteif they're still jerks, then it's definitely time to move on. it really sucks that they're behaving like this but you can't make them change so it's best just to move on and save the energy on new people.