Dear ESB,
This is "Anon 2:54" from the How do I know post. I figured what the hell, if nothing else I am at least typing this out, re-reading for proof and seeing how I feel once finished....
My fiance and I have been together for 6 years and have a beautiful child together. He is a wonderful dad and would do anything to make our daughter smile. We live in a nice apartment have decent things, always have food on the table...I shouldn't complain. However. (And please don't judge too harshly as I am going through some serious "beat my self up" moments.) From the minute we moved in together after we found out we were preggers, everything in our financial world became halved. Which, fine its cool, whatever. But our halves are so far from being equal that I barely had any money to get gas let alone anything else. After I had our daughter, I was out of work (obviously) and he KEPT TABS. Seriously. As in when the tax return money came in, he got it to make up for me not paying bills. Ugh that sounds so bad. But in my head, whatever it seemed fair.
Fast forward several years. I haven't finished college. Our daughter is about ready for preschool. Wedding is in 8 months. Things need to get paid for. I…don't have a lot to spend. My parents god bless them are paying for our wedding. I WANT my degree and we want to send the princess to a delightful private school. So, I ask him, can we split her school. "Sure." Haven't seen a dime. And this is how it always is. If I need something, it's on me. Anyone else, he had no problem handing it out. For 4 years, our daily grind has consisted of him working days, and me having daughter while he's at work, then going to work until 2:30 am. I get no f*cking sleep. My parents have gotten to the point where they are offering to let me move back in with them, help with daycare and let me work part time instead of full time so I can go back and finish school.
While my folks are offering this, they are also behind me if I choose to stay. (In the parental department, I am so blessed.) I have dealt with all of this for years and it has become a normal thing to me. THIS is where I am losing my shit. 3 weeks after he proposed, he suggested we cancel the wedding because he felt like we were roommates. 3 motherf*cking weeks. Apparently he said he felt this way for a while. Why did he propose you ask? Because that's what he thought I wanted. No joke. Que deflation. I spent the past four months reading "couples" books, getting advice from loved ones....whatever I needed to do to make him happy. He has since "changed his mind" and wants to continue with the marriage. Then, my friend called me and asked me "WHY are you doing this!?!" It clicked. I am wearing myself out for nothing. He has not gone out of his way once to make me feel better. I am still deflated. I love him, and he is not an asshole. But. I don't know if I can keep this up for the rest of my life. So, after all that...Do I need a vacation and I'm just overreacting? Or is this really bad and I'm just blind to it?
In need of a double Jack & Diet,
"Anon 2:54"
*****
Leave him.
(Image via Amateur Couture. Does anyone know who took the photo?)
As shitty as it is, agreed. His lack of anything you need ... not worth it. You have to take care of yourself and you can really only take care of your kidlet if you're taken care of. Mucho loves.
ReplyDeleteOh man. Hang in there. Have to agree with ESB here; at the very least he sounds like he's taking you for granted and moving out will either bring out the less-selfish, more open to compromise person hiding deep inside...or it'll make it clear that you made the right choice in leaving. Big hugs regardless of what you choose.
ReplyDeleteThis is not a partner. He might be a wonderful man in other parts of his life, but he does not treat you like an equal. Treating someone like an equal does not mean splitting the bills in half. It means balancing each other out. It means giving equally in your talents, time, skills, etc. This man is a taker, not a giver.
ReplyDeleteLeave before you run yourself any more ragged. You and your daughter deserve better.
Leave him. He doesn't have to be an asshole, you don't have to demonize him in order to leave him. (though there is material there if you want to make that piñata).
ReplyDeleteYou deserve a partner who wants to see you succeed, who is madly in love with you and who wants to be a team player. The way he handles money with you is nonsense.
You seem like a lovely lady and it sounds like you have an excellent support system in your family, they will help you get back on your feet. Big hugs to you across the internet universe.
that is heavy. and i am so, so sorry. you sound like a lovely woman and i'm sending you a hug from far away.
ReplyDeleteesb is right. leave. it's not a partnership, and you deserve so much more. when you are happy, it will be easier for you to care for your child AND yourself.
good luck, pal.
Leave him. He is a worthless sack when it comes to the partner department. Theoretically, you get married because you both can't live without the other, so I am told. He might want to be a good dad, but he doesn't want to be a husband.
ReplyDeleteYou deserve to be treated SO much better than this. You and your daughter have the right to a family and he's not allowing you to be one.
ReplyDeleteAsk yourself how you would feel if your daughter were being put through the same shit as you and I think you have your answer.
For the record, I don't feel that money always has to be shared in a relationship (whatever works, you know?) but you should never feel indebted to your significant other.
leave him and pawn the ring. keep the money. Use it to go to vegas with your lady friends.
ReplyDeleteOh honey, I just want to give you a hug. And that double Jack & Diet. This does sound really awful, and the whole keeping-tabs-on-the-spending thing is just so wrong to me. I was under the impression that your life partner was supposed to help you, that you're a team (cheesy as it sounds).
ReplyDeleteIf you need to leave, then leave. I know it might be hard because of your daughter, but you have to take care of yourself, too.
Maddie = genius: "Ask yourself how you would feel if your daughter were being put through the same shit as you and I think you have your answer."
ReplyDeleteTruth.
What esb said.
ReplyDeleteAlso, kids are so, so much better off with two loving, happy, seperate parents than living with a pair of people in a miserable relationship.
You are not overreacting. This is not a healthy relationship.
ReplyDeleteGTFO before yall complicate shit (legally and emotionally) by getting married.
I can't not comment on this, and I rarely if ever do.
ReplyDeleteGet out.
If you're asking strangers on the interwebs, it sounds like you probably know the answer already. And if leaving for you is not enough, do it for your daughter - is this the example of a marriage you want her to grow up seeing? What would you want for her if it were her in your shoes?
You seem to have an extraordinary parents who want to take care of you. There is NOTHING wrong with letting them. Let them take their hard earned money and put it towards your daughter's private school, instead of a wedding neither party is sure of...
Move on. The only thing worse than what you are going through would be to lack food, shelter, running water. Your parents are willing to provide. Run. Run away fast. Your spirit will be so cut to pieces by this man and his wicked self that it will hurt your parenting, in the long run
ReplyDeleteYou have a GIRL child.
i'm so sorry you have to go through this. i may not be the first to ask this, but have you talked to him about the way you feel? especially about how he behaves with the financial situation of your relationship?
ReplyDeleteit sounds like you're bottling up these feelings and trying to please him because you feel guilty for some reason. i agree that he probably isn't an asshole, but he clearly has issues/deep-rooted feelings/whatever-the-fuck-you-want-to-call-them that are making him act the way he does towards you or else why would he feel the need to "keep tabs"? i think before one jumps to the conclusion that he doesn't treat you equally or that he is a shitty life partner, maybe he is simply protecting himself. perhaps he's afraid of being taken advantage of (i blame all those reality tv housewife shows for scaring men into thinking all women are money hungry cougars). i'm NOT saying his behavior is acceptable AT ALL, but if this is the case, just talking about it with him could ease BOTH of your worries. maybe?
I've never agreed with ESB more than right now. We all have different strengths. Just because he is a good dad doesn't mean he's a good boyfriend/partner/husband.
ReplyDeleteWow. This post made me want to cry. You deserve so much better than this - you know that, right? Totally easier said than done, but it sounds like you have an amazing support system - take full advantage of that and, as Savage would say, DTMFA (dump the mother fucker already). And get some sleep, for f%$ks sake.
ReplyDeleteI am sending you an electronic hug. You're a tough chick, your daughter is lucky to have you.
ReplyDeleteexactly what Rob said
ReplyDeleteI think our culture needs to figure this out: Equality does not mean financial "halfsies". Both partners do not have to contribute equally in dollars to each bill to truly be equal. Equality lies in the value of the person. In this situation Anon is not valued as an equal person. Her opinions about how they should handle finances and effort to raise their daughter are ignored in what she is deemed responsible for in the partnership.
ReplyDeleteI'm really sorry Anon- *hugs* and get out while you can because this guy sounds like an abuser it might only get worse.
Hey, this is heartbreaking. On the upside, you seem like a level-headed and strong woman with a really supportive family, so you're in a good place to leave.
ReplyDeleteI want to point out that controlling the finances to this extent is a hallmark of abuse and abusive partnerships. He may "feel like a roommate", but the actions point to something less awesome. It's good you're fed up, because this kind of behaviour is absolutely not worth sticking around for.
XO
Too many women stick around for "nearly good enough" when they need to be looking for "today is what the rest of my life should look like."
ReplyDeleteHow much longer can you live in a relationship that is only nearly good enough? A wedding will not snap him back into shape. Lay it out, tell him what's up, then move out. He'll either shape up and be a real partner, or he'll continue with being a less than ideal mate.
You deserve better, and if you don't believe that... your daughter deserves SO much better. Give her a mom with who has completed the degree she wants and a solid foundation for happiness. Teach her how to lead a satisfying life by going after one.
I'm bad at math, like, REALLY bad at it...so my husband is the one who does our taxes and pays our bills. He is great at it and has our budget in his head. I am so grateful to him for handling this part of our life so that I don't have to.
ReplyDeleteHowever, because he does this, I am kind of kept out of the loop as far as our money goes, because we both don't want me to mess anything up. This is usually fine, except for when I want to buy something that isn't household related. I have to basically ask my husband for money to do so, which is weird and opens my purchase decision up to discussion, like "do you really need that?" which is not fair, since I don't question his every purchase (I don't even know about them most of the time since he handles the finances).
So, I told him I want a more active role in our budget, that I want to learn how to use a credit card, and that I'd like him to teach me what he knows about this stuff. He was nervous about the idea at first, but realized that it is best for us in the long run to have two money-responsible adults in the family verses one.
My point is that sometimes our partners are controlling about a certain aspect of life because they feel like they need to be. Have you spoken to your fiance about this issue? How he is acting is NOT fair, but if he doesn't know that it bothers you, then YOU'RE being unfair by not giving him the chance to change things. And sometimes we need to change *ourselves* first before we can expect the other person to change...i.e. I need to buck up and take interest in and responsibility for our finances and in return my husband will trust me more and more with our money.
If you HAVE already discussed this with him and he is unwilling to budge in his ways...well then, esb is completely right. The fact that he is unwilling or unable to respect your wishes/needs...that would be a deal breaker for me I'm afraid.
You are wrong. He IS an asshole.
ReplyDeleteRun for your life, but not before you get child support.
Dump him NOW.
I got a lump in my throat reading this, and maybe for the first time understood the difference between niggling uncertainty about two people living with each others' quirks forever, when they can sometimes be a pain, and a just total utter don't-have-to-put-up-with-it, deserve so much better nightmare. This isn't about seeing yourself together in 40 years, but about even another 4 months being too long to spend on this guy. He's had it easy, and your graciousness and drive to be an equal partner shouldn't hold him afloat a minute longer. Best of luck and hope you have the happiness and appreciation you deserve.
ReplyDeleteJust to confirm my understanding, are we saying that you both are expected to contribute equally financially to the relationship, despite the fact that you earning capacity has been reduced because you are caring for your child? So your role as the primary caregiver of your child has no value? That is bullsh!t, leave him!
ReplyDeleteOh dear! It seems to me that you already know. You know you're not being treated as an equal, you know that how you have been treated is awful, you know that you'll be better not to marry him and to move on.
ReplyDeleteDo it.
complete utter agreement. get out and get child support. i think you are giving him way too much credit. the tax return thing screams 'asshole' to me.
ReplyDeleteOh my goodness. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. I would say I have a happy marriage...and even sometimes I have moments where I think "is this how it's always going to be?" You need to get out, sounds like he's too chicken to make the decision.
ReplyDeleteGet. Out. Of. There. NOW. Seriously. This IS really bad. I know you love him, but he IS an asshole.
ReplyDeleteAny man who keeps tabs on how much you "owe him" for bills while you are on maternity leave from having his baby is a complete and utter douche bag. Not to mention any of the other outrageous things in the rest of your email.
You and your daughter deserve better, and trust me you WILL find better. What you have now is not a life, not a marriage, not a partnership of any kind. Leave. And you make sure he pays every cent of child support right on time!!
my heart was in my throat as i read this. this is all wrong. you need to leave him. get out while you can.
ReplyDeletemy friends parents were like this with the money thing- 15 years and the nastiest divorce EVER later (SO much fighting, in public, and my friends' mom is the sweetest, calmest woman i've ever known), she is struggling to support the two girls through private college as he bounces from one engagement to the other. and it totally screwed up how my friend views relationships and marriage. if you can't do it for yourself, leave him for your daughter and her future happiness. she is learning what "good" relationships are from watching you and her dad- is this what you want her looking for in 15 years?
<3
ugh, that really sucks. i have to agree with esb, it's time to get out. he probably isn't an asshole but this isn't going to get any better. and seriously, who proposes and then changes their minds after 3 weeks!?
ReplyDeleteit sounds like you have great parents so take them up on their offer, move back in and finish your degree. you'll be so much happier for it.
good luck!
LEAVE. For the first time I ever I agreed with everything written.
ReplyDeleteHe doesn't place monetary value on your child rearing!? He doesn't value his future wife and mother of his child having an education or getting sleep??
It's emotionally abusive. I fucking hate that going "halfsies" consistently comes back to monetary contributions.
Fuck him. Move back in with your parents, get your education, surround your daughter with people that love and RESPECT you and find a man that determines your worth by who you are not what you financially contribute.
Marriage is a socialized system. Married people don't "split" the cost of their child's schooling. The person who earns more pays more. Not to mention once the money is earned (by whoever) it belongs to BOTH of you equally.
ReplyDeleteHang in there. Good luck to you!
"he is a good dad" does not imply "he is a good husband".
ReplyDeleteyou're wrong- he IS an asshole.
ReplyDeleteoh hon! hugs to you. the fact you even typed this up shows you're ready to make a change, whether it be the way you handle him or the way your finances run or where you and your child live. kudos for being brave enough to put it out there, and good luck!
ReplyDeleteI agree with ESB (and everyone else): he IS an asshole, just not an obvious one. He's a passive-aggressive asshole. And a douchebag. I understand couples being hesitant to step into something as huge as sharing bank accounts (and it must be said that nobody knows what goes on behind closed doors), but you have a DAUGHTER TOGETHER. It's time for him to grow a pair.
ReplyDeleteSo in essence, fuck that noise. Seek shelter with your FANTASTIC parents while you sort shit out and start building an amazing life with your daughter.
Seeking professional help from a counselor who will hear the whole story from both sides and really work with you guys is probably the prudent next step. I wouldn't make such a huge life decision when a child is involved without doing that. Your fiance sounds like an ass fo sho, but he *is* the child's father, so give the guy a chance to work through these things with you before you march out the door. At the very least, counseling will open up communication and even if you decide not to stay together it could help you to maintain an amicable relationship as you continue to raise your daughter together.
ReplyDeleteHe kept tabs while you were on MATERNITY LEAVE????????
ReplyDeleteHe IS an asshole. Run far, far away.
My partner and I had a baby a few years before we were married. We were already 8 years into the relationship and it was still totally tough. When my daughter was almost 2 (six months before we married) I hit a very dark spot (much of which was related to trust and finances) and my parents were simultaneously offering to pay for the wedding, and offering me a way out of the relationship. I did a lot of soul searching and came to two conclusions: 1) I needed to speak up and state my needs and 2) No parent likes any person who sleeps with his/her child (grown or otherwise).
ReplyDeletePartner and I worked it out and are happier than ever and my folks can get over it.
That said, Here are my thoughts:
If he's keeping tabs, so should you. The "worth" of a mother is highly under rated. A good nanny in LA is roughly $15-20 an hour and up to $30 an hour for night care. Housekeeper: $60-$200 a week. To buy breastmilk for a baby from a milk bank can cost up to 30k a year.
Within a separation, you'll still be working hard, not sleeping much, and paying for half of everything. Check the laws in your area about unwed mother's rights. Be sure his name is on the birth certificate. Tell him why you're leaving, then do it.
Good luck Lady. All the ESB readers are pulling for you.
No, no, no, no, no. No. Do NOT listen to any of these ladies who are suggesting hearing his side, going to counseling, or ANYTHING except leaving.
ReplyDeleteAt best, this guy has no concept and is completely unprepared to be a partner, but is maybe "trying to do the right thing." If this is the case and you stay the course, you will ruin anything that is salvageable.
At worst, he's a passive aggressive, petty, and cheap asshole WHO DOESN'T SEEM TO VALUE WHAT GOES INTO REARING YOUR CHILD.
My parents were divorced for 6 years and it was the best thing they could have done for our family. We never saw them nasty with each other, and it made our time with them so much more special. Corny, but I promise you its true.
The bottom line is you need to leave because this isn't healthy for you, and it certainly isn't for your child. We have to think about what our actions say to them. Is this how you want your child to see you in her memories? Do you want to teach her that this would be acceptable for her?
Good luck, lady.
:::HUG:::
ReplyDeleteESB is a wise, wise lady. So are you I feel. And you deserve a million times better than this.
ReplyDeletePlease leave. Afterwards it may get better and you may get back together (ON YOUR TERMS) and it may not, but you will manage because you are strong and you have the support of your family.
Love to you. And strength. And all the wonderful things that you deserve.
YOU deserve to be happy, you really do.
Dear Anon,
ReplyDeleteI owe you an apology. Last night, I joined the band wagon and left a comment implying you should leave your partner. That was very irresponsible and judgemental of me, and I'm sorry.
I can't begin to understand the struggles you and your partner are facing (between being parents, HAVING parents, financial difficulties, working nights, etc ...). I hastily jumped to a conclusion, resting easily in the knowledge that I am not currently in your situation.
Please consider investing in couples therapy before you leave this man. Maybe a mediator can help you untangle the web of resentment that seems to have built up in your relationship over the past several years.
Good luck to you.
This sounds EXACTLY like what my sister went through. To a 'T'. Her and her man had been together 6 years, they got pregnant, moved in, she wasn't working so she could raise the baby, they decided to get married because it was what she wanted (he admitted it wasn't what he wanted) and a year into the marriage, they divorced. It was clear to us in the family he didn't have his heart in it, but we supported her, and then supported her through the divorce. My parents let her and the kiddo move home so she could get back on her feet. And now she is a happy working, single-mom raising her kid, and getting child support and alimony! If only she had seen the light earlier and not pushed getting married, but she had to come to the inevitable realisation it wasn't working in her own time.
ReplyDeleteThis guy has serious control issues. He is not a partner. He will not get better after you are married. He will get one million times worse.
ReplyDeleteYou deserve better. You don't want your daughter watching her mom be controlled. Your daughter will absolutely pick up on it. Kids always do.
Leave now, absolutely. Absolutely. Run run run. Give your parents a hug for me. I like when I read about moms and dads being awesome. Give yourself a hug, too. You deserve so much. You deserve to have your life glow and be full of amazing things and wonderful people.
RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN.
ReplyDeleteare you sure he's not an asshole? leave. you'll be setting the right example for your daughter.
ReplyDeleteOMG. That's all I keep thinking is OMG. In particular, why on earth would it be your job to pay for all things with your daughter? She's half his! Every couple has to come to there own agreement on how the $$ will work but BOTH parties need to agree and if its not working for one or both of you you need to be able to go back and re-negotiate.
ReplyDeleteI'm not saying run, I'm not saying stay - I'm saying put yourself and your happiness first. That will set such a strong example for your daughter!
Hugs - 'cause I feel like you need one! (or 7)
I used to be in a relationship where I didn't like the girl, and I always thought, "Maybe the good parts of marriage will out-weigh the bad." BAD idea. I called that shit off for good. No way was I going to subject myself to a marriage (and life) of unhappiness.
ReplyDeleteNow I'm married to chesapeake, and I'll tell you this much - a successful relationship is almost completely based on choice. I choose to give her the attention she needs every day. I choose to buy her flowers almost perpetually. I choose to listen to her when she talks to me.
She does the same. She chooses to love me. She chooses to take an interest in the things I'm interested in (even if they're painfully boring to her). Love is more a choice than a magical thing, although the magical part of it is very nice, too. However, you won't have the magic unless you make the individual, sometimes difficult choices.
It seems as if this guy is not choosing to put forth the effort to be the man you need. And that right there is enough for me - he's not husband material for you.
Thank you everyone. Reading all these comments make me, well nauseous honestly. Its really hard to see that I actually pushed "send" on this and it got posted. The truth hurts, non? I feel all your love, and trust me, a strangers online hugs and words of encouragement feel so freakin good right now. Maybe even better than a Jack & Diet.
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad to hear that you have amazing, supportive parents to help you through. I can't agree with esb more...leave!
ReplyDeleteWhat? Yeah, I don't understand how he can justify -begrudgingly paying for things(his daughter for eff's sake, Your wedding and your -as in both- life together). Break ups suck, especially when you do really care about each other, but clearly this guys is not concerned with the happiness/welfare of his family (you and child)
ReplyDeleteI agree with those above that suggested counseling. Sometimes a mediator really helps you to see each others side and come to an agreement. He probably thinks he's being "smart" about money when in reality he's about to loose everything.
ReplyDeleteIf he's not open to counseling you have to leave. It means he has not desire to work things through with you and is going to stick with being right. With men, actions speak much louder than words.
I dumped my guy when we were first dating because he was taking me for granted. Five years later our therapist that helped us work through a bunch of tough issues is going to be the officiant at our wedding. If he has any bit of willingness to improve things there's hope. If he's not- get out!
You're not overreacting. Leave and get child support. Leave. You deserve to be happy, to be loved, and to be able to set a good example for your daughter. You also deserve not to have someone keeping financial tabs on you while you're raising his child. Leave, and good luck.
ReplyDeleteI'm with Rob: he doesn't want to be a husband. He's not a good partner. To answer your question, it really is that bad. Leave him and never look back.
ReplyDeleteI'm sending a big hug your way, no matter what you decide to do.
not to sound selfish on behalf of you, but i'm echoing everyone else by saying that you deserve sooo much better. and so does your daughter. your daughter needs to see that men can be good partners AND fathers. it's not a pick and choose what you want to be good at thing when it comes to starting a family. all relationships are 2-way streets. please get out of this sitch asap.
ReplyDeleteand as a lady with amazing parents also, i want to give your parents a hug. they sound wonderful.
Please, please, please check this out: https://www.mosaicmethod.com/
ReplyDeleteYou can alternatively read The Gift of Fear by Gavin deBecker. Abuse isn't always physical.
I'm sorry.
and by good i mean, not doing shit like keeping tabs on money he lets you use. no one is perfect, obv.
ReplyDeleteWhen my now husband and I moved in together we split everything....kept "tabs" and settled up every month or so. Then we bought a house together and we were still splitting everything...and that was fine. But then we got engaged and around the same time I decided to change careers which involved me going back to school for just a small amount of time. Then I quit my job to become my own boss and had virtually zero income....and he paid the mortgage for a few months until I could afford to chip in my share.....and he paid the property tax bill and our mutual credit card.....he stepped up as my partner and we hadn't even officially tied the knot yet...... because it's all OUR money. We've been married now for 9 months and while we haven't officially joined finances it's all the same. No animosity. No "keeping tabs".
ReplyDeleteThe thing is....that doesn't work for everyone. I have a friend who has been married for 5 years and still settle up with each other and split things.....but it WORKS for them. Your situation is obviously not working for you. So if you've already talked to him about it and nothing has changed...it's time for you to take things into your own hands...If you haven't yet talked to him about it. He deserves to at least have the chance to fix the problem.
Sweetheart, you have it all figured out. You know what you need, what you want, and how to go about getting it. You are strong enough, brave enough, and worth so much more than what you're getting.
ReplyDeleteTake a second, and think about your ideal husband.
Now take the rest of your life, and stick to that ideal.
You are strong. You are powerful. You are so powerful that anything you want comes true. Anything you imagine, anything you believe, happens.
Let it. <3
Sending hugs, love, and strength. My take: couples therapy if and only if you actually WANT to work things out (and it sounds like you don't) and he shows a marked commitment to changing (doubtful) OR leave. And certainly don't get married at this time. He sounds, at best, pretty immature. You are not overreacting. If you leave, I would find resources that can give concrete advice re: your rights, child support, etc. You are fortunate to have such supportive parents.
ReplyDeleteTo the posters above who commented about couples who don't have joint finances (which can be workable), that's not really the point. He was KEEPING TABS while she was "out of work" caring for an infant. And now, original poster is caring for their child all day then going to work till 2:30am?! JEEZ. The deeper issue is that he is not aware of his impact on her (or aware and not willing/able to change...both SUCK), financially and otherwise.
Wow, how very "Joy Luck Club" of him to keep track of the finances like that. Does he respond if you try to make him understand how awful that is? Good luck with everything. I hope he can see the error of his ways and you two can work it out. If not, you'll be just fine.
ReplyDeleteLEAVE HIM - so succinct ESB.
ReplyDeleteYou will be so much better off living with your parents, working part time, and finishing school. Your parents will offer so much more support than your fiance. You don't want to marry someone that won't be your partner. With your parents you will finish school, have some YOU time, and probably have more cash on you. You say he's not an asshole (debatable), but he is definitely SELFISH.
AND make him pay child support. Don't even feel the tiniest bit guilty about this because it's his kid too. Good dads offer support and that includes financial. And I think you should let a lawyer negotiate the child support amount because it sounds like he'll just push you right over if you try to agree together on an amount without a third party involved.
There's the possibility that shelling out child support and having you and his daughter gone might be a huge wake up call for him, but he sounds like a total douche and you deserve better. Everyone deserves better.
Here's the reverse - my fiance and I bought a house together and I pay almost 2/3 of the mortgage while he pays the rest. That's because I make more, and after the mortgage payment we both end up having spending cash rather than one of us being continually strapped for cash. And hey - he can afford to treat me to dinner because of it. ;)
that's exactly what my father is like with my mother. She's stayed with him for all this time 'for the sake of the kids' and because he's so controling and after thirty years she can't resist it anymore.
ReplyDeleteI've seen how that sort of relationship has made my mother into a shell of the person my aunts tell me she used to be.
And having been in the same position your daughter is in, I know that in my case, I never understood why my mum didn't leave my dad, and her staying with him is actually the root of a lot of the issues/fights I've had with my mum.
It's hard to do, but I'd say run, far away.
You deserve better, and what's more, better is absolutely out there waiting for you.
quite frankly, i'm *over* chicks who stay in shitty relationships. it's been bad, you've stayed with him, so anything else he does from here on out is HALF YOUR fault.
ReplyDelete@anon6:29 Um no.
ReplyDeleteMy mom stuck with my dad for over 20 years, swallowing her needs and being everything to him. Everything. No thanks from him. No acknowledgment. Nothing. Him cheating on her was the best thing that ever happened to her. It's unfortunate that it took so long for him to leave, because her life is so much better now. Unfortunately, because of what we have had modeled for us as a "normal" relationship, my sister and I will always have to be conscious of whether or not our relationships are healthy. Please get out. Do it for yourself, and do it for your daughter. She deserves to see you happy, and she deserves to know what a healthy relationship looks like.
ReplyDeleteMy mom stuck with my dad for over 20 years, swallowing her needs and being everything to him. Everything. No thanks from him. No acknowledgment. Nothing. Him cheating on her was the best thing that ever happened to her. It's unfortunate that it took so long for him to leave, because her life is so much better now. Unfortunately, because of what we have had modeled for us as a "normal" relationship, my sister and I will always have to be conscious of whether or not our relationships are healthy. Please get out. Do it for yourself, and do it for your daughter. She deserves to see you happy, and she deserves to know what a healthy relationship looks like.
ReplyDeleteMy mom stuck with my dad for over 20 years, swallowing her needs and being everything to him. Everything. No thanks from him. No acknowledgment. Nothing. Him cheating on her was the best thing that ever happened to her. It's unfortunate that it took so long for him to leave, because her life is so much better now. Unfortunately, because of what we have had modeled for us as a "normal" relationship, my sister and I will always have to be conscious of whether or not our relationships are healthy. Please get out. Do it for yourself, and do it for your daughter. She deserves to see you happy, and she deserves to know what a healthy relationship looks like.
ReplyDeleteGet your degree. Please go back to school because this is the best thing you can do for yourself and yes, leave him asap! Don't marry that guy. It is tough to ask parents to help or even move back in wth them, but if they are offering some assistance, take it and leave him.
ReplyDeleteMy long comment wouldn't post.
ReplyDeleteI will say as a child of divorce, who lost her father at age 19, life was hard without him there. However. I never, ever question my mother's decision to leave him. It was because of her judgement in that area that she, my brother, and I survived.
Your situation is awful, but not dire. It might get dire if you marry him and then have to find a way out. Get out while the getting is good.
I told my husband about this post, his words: "it takes more to be a good father than bouncing the kid on your fucking knee now and then"..
ReplyDeleteWhen I was out of work my fiance wanted us to not keep tabs and he'd support me. I felt really uncomfortable with that, so I understand how money can be an issue in relationships.
ReplyDeleteHowever, a person's value in a relationship is not based on how much they bring home at the end of the month. And you're being undervalued. Don't put up with it. I won't say leave him as that's very easy for an outsider to say but not so easy to do but at the very least you need to raise these issues and tell him they're dealbreakers. And don't get married unless they're resolved.
Love xx