Dear ESB,
I am getting married in October and we recently asked a family friend of mine to officiate the ceremony. He is a former pastor, and he has been a close friend of my family (like, comes to Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners kind of close) since before I was born. He officiated my parents' ceremony, as well as my cousin's, and he seemed very happy and touched when I asked him to officiate our wedding.
After I asked him, however, I realized that I have absolutely no idea what I should pay him! My fiance and I live and are getting married in New York, and he is in California. He had said before I was engaged that he and his wife would fly to New York in a heartbeat to be at my wedding. I wish that I could be like, "I'll pay for your plane ticket and hotel, and here's a generous gift!", but we honestly do not have the money for that.
What do you think is appropriate? Do I need to pay for his hotel and airfare, even though he would have come anyways? Or should I simply get him a nice gift? And if so, what amount would be appropriate to spend? I am at a loss here. Thoughts?
*****
Be totally upfront. Tell the guy "I wish I could offer to pay for your travel, but it's just not in our budget." And ask him if there's a standard honorarium he's accustomed to receiving.
Chances are he'll pooh pooh all that, but you'll feel better if there's no ambiguity.
And then, yeah, buy him a present. Something more fancy than a candle but less spendy than a car.
(Image courtesy of Harper's Bazaar via Laurel Thompson via Fashionising.com)
As usual, ESB is dead-on. Such a wise one, that one.
ReplyDeleteTheatre tickets.
Is he still affiliated with a church? You could make a donation to his parish, or to another cause that's important to him.
ReplyDeleteAnd while it sounds cheesy and impersonal, a nice pen (like a Cross or Waterman) is actually kind of a cool gift for the person who will be signing your marriage certificate.
we didn't even give our officiant (my godmother, a superior court justice) a gift. what boors we were! then again, the wedding was technically a sham.
ReplyDeleteOurs was a close friend, too. He refused to let us pay him, but he's a writer and loves to read, so we got him a gift certificate to Powell's Books in Portland. He made a trek with his wife and loved it.
ReplyDeleteWe paid our family-friend/officiant $100. She didn't ask for payment, but she did make a three-hour drive. We simply handed her an envelope after the reception. It felt right to us. Hope this helps!
ReplyDeleteYou are well on your way to becoming Miss Manners Ms ESB.
ReplyDelete(that's a compliment. btw)
Maybe pick up his hotel room bill, if that's in the budget? And include a sweet note and a treat in the room, so it's waiting for them?
ReplyDeleteBut any small gesture will suffice, if it's thoughtful. And I think that if he is currently a pastor then it's good form to make a donation to his church. (But I have no idea what the amount usually is - I would guess $100 but maybe I'm cheap).
gift certificate for a nice dinner with his wife. I like the theater tickets idea too.
ReplyDeleteAnd/or I would pay for the hotel room.
I agree with ESB.
ReplyDeleteWe paid ours in whiskey, but that probably won't do.
Yep. And the present needs to be particularly personal, to recognize your friendship with him.
ReplyDeleteESB is totally right, I think a thoughtful gift goes along way...
ReplyDeleteWe had a close family friend marry us and Kiwi (who runs a custom men's clothing co. with his brother) made him two custom dress shirts, one of which he actually wore to the wedding :)
*a long way...
ReplyDeleteAn family friend did ours. It didnt even cross my mind to offer to pay him (he would have been a guest either way) but I gave him a nice bottle of his faveroit tipple and a gift voucher for a bookshop.
ReplyDeleteIt was amazing having someone who knows you and loves you officiate. I've been to a few weddings and thought wow this celebrant doesn't know these guys personalities at all! One even got the brides name wrong... 5 times! Owch!! So remeber to be thankful that you are lucky enough to have his help! All the best!
Fancy wine usually works. Even if you're broke, you can find a cute or witty bottle for cheapish.
ReplyDeletePS@ esb - cute header. Why do I always notice first?!
@nikki it's true! you're the first one again!! and it was lauren's idea, really. i kept thinking she'd look for it.
ReplyDeleteoop. here's a *cleaner* link.
ReplyDeleteWe had a family friend do our wedding as well (actually, my BM's dad, who is a judge), and we gave him and his wife a generous gift certificate to their fave restaurant.
ReplyDeleteESB's advice is perfect. (Not shocking!)
I believe a typical officiant's fee is between $200 and $600, depending on the size of the wedding and the length of ceremony/amount of preparation required. If he won't give you a number for the honorarium, shoot for somewhere in there.
ReplyDeleteI think it depends on the religion/denomination, but our officiant refused payment even though she wasn't a close friend or anything. We made a $250 donation to her church which she later told me went to buy a prescription for a poorer parishioner. My father is also a minster, and only takes donations to the church when performing ceremonies. Since this guy isn't affiliated, I would ask about a donation to a charity in his name AND since he was making such a trek, some nice token of your appreciation for him to appreciate while in NY.
ReplyDelete