Dear ESB,
I think I might be an asshole. Here's my predicament: Our wedding is in October and being an overanxious bride I sent out our save the dates in January. Great, now it's off my to-do list. I'm an asshole though, because now I want to cut our guest list. We've recently taken a closer look at our list and there are people on there that I'm now thinking, 'why did we want to invite them?' It's not that we've had a falling out with anyone it's just that they're not so important to us that I really want them at our wedding...when we first made the guest list it was more about inviting "fun people" to make it a great party. But now in hindsight, I'd rather it be smaller and more intimate with just our really close family and dearest "fun people."
Would I be a total ass to not send an invitation to a few people that I sent save the dates too?
Thanks for the brutal honesty!
Overly Eager Bride
*****
Dear OEB,
You fucked up. But don't let it ruin your wedding.
Let word get out (NOT by mail or email or facebook or any of that bullsh*t, but via word-of-mouth) that your plans have changed and you're doing an intimate thing with just your nearest + dearest.
If you piss a few people off, who cares? You don't want em there anyway.
xoxo,
ESB
Tanya Dziahileva* by Carlotta Manaigo, Mixte Magazine March 2009 via Charles Cherney via IAMHAUTECOUTURE.
______________________________
*Are you paying attention to the hair? This will be on the final exam.
As always, ESB is spot on. I would also say that, if you can, do it in person. I had to explain to someone why we weren't inviting them to our wedding and I'm so glad I did it in person because I was able to *see* their reaction and didn't spend the next several weeks worrying if I had pissed them off.
ReplyDeleteDude. I think disinviting people is wicked hella wrong. I'd be hurt big time if this happened to me, even if I was just one of your lesser and "not so important" friends.. ESB isn't wrong to say you CAN do it, but should you?
ReplyDeleteAre you afraid they will ruin your wedding if they go (like drunken puking or shouting inappropriate things)? Are you physically incapable of affording them (not in the sense that you would need to cut back a little on flowers, or skip an appetizer, but in the literally breaking the bank can't afford sense)?
Tough love time: this seems really flaky and inconsiderate to me, and the sort of thing 4th grade girls try to pull with their birthday parties.
If you are prepared for these people to bitch to mutual friends, to suggest that you sent the save the date as a way to get presents from them, and to lose that person forever....then I suggest you LIE through your teeth.
This is how I'd do it. Call them and say that your betrothed has horrible second cousins, who up finding out that they didn't make the cut for the save the dates, have been causing no end of trouble in the family. Your aunt in law and grandmother in law are in hysterics. Every other day you are getting a call from your future mother in law, CRYING. You feel TERRIBLE, but your budget is really tight, and you are regretfully calling to see if they'd be willing to skip the wedding in the name of family peace.
Now that you've outflanked them and forced them to say, "sure, no problem", you must GROVEL for several months. Also write a thank you note, also send them favors from the wedding, also invite them to a dinner party.
If all that homework and lying is worth it, then I think you can disinvite them.
I'm kind of with E on this one. If this were me, I'd probably make up an elaborate lie blaming someone else so I didn't look like the enormous ass I felt like.
ReplyDeleteYeah I think E may be right on this one. I wouldn't say ESB is wrong- but I assume you would be sad to lose the "fun" friends (they may not be the soulmates you want at your nups but you don't sounds like you dislike these people and wouldn't be fussed by not having them in your life).
ReplyDeleteHow many people are we talking about? I you going from a big 150 person bash to a small wedding of 50 people? Or are you trying to trim 15 people off the list?
If it is the former I agree with a being upfront about totally changing the direction and then have a big cheap party with a keg for all the people you couldn't invite. If it is the latter I say just invite them, who knows how many of those people will be able to come anyway.
Eek, tough spot. Is it a wedding for which they will have needed to book flights, hotel rooms and the like? You don't want people going out of their way to "save the date" only to learn, by word of mouth, that you've had a change of plans/change of heart...
ReplyDeleteOur plans dramatically, so I relate with you there, but we hadn't sent out save-the-dates yet, so we didn't feel like it was THAT big of a deal. We called friends and used word-of-mouth to inform people of the change in plans, but we sent save-the-dates to the folks we wanted there. And those who received save-the-dates, received invitations. Good luck.
I agree entirely with E. If you absolutely MUST dis-invite people, then do what you gotta do. But if it's just because you changed your mind about the wedding, well... that's kind of a jerk move.
ReplyDeleteIf you do go ahead and dis-invite people, I think E's strategy is best I can imagine. (Although her idea sounds like so much work that I would just suck it up and invite them to avoid the hassle. Personally, it wouldn't be worth the effort and drama to me.)
I agree with E & Co., but be prepared to srsly stand by your lie if you must go that route. That means getting the hubs and maybe a few other key players on board, which is no small feat.
ReplyDeleteWe ended up doing a double take, but thank whatevs, we're going to Hawaii and most won't be able to make it. It really saved our hide.
It really comes down to how willing you are to piss some peeps off and whether or not that's worth it for you.
I thought you meant sexually transmitted diseases. I guess this means I am officially a normal person again and no longer a recent bride - hooray!
ReplyDeletefunny, peanut ... i thought the same thing !!!! I was all, "OOOOoOooooOOOO!! STDs !! SCANDALOUS !" hehe.
ReplyDeleteanywho. i guess i'm in the camp of "it's your wedding do what you want, but disinviting people is way shitty".
*clink clink*
It feels horrible to be dis-invited. It happened to my family after I worked on a project for the special girl, gave her money for a charity, and responded to the invite immediately. She did not want my teenager coming to the event and changed her mind about inviting him. Out of town venue we had been planning on for months. Oh well, live and learn. It was a good lesson for my teens to never, ever invite someone and then dis-invite for no good reason.
Deletethat's tough. i would be pretty peeved if i got a save the date...and hence...saved...the date and then wasn't invited to the wedding. BUT. ESB is right, it's your wedding and you can't let premature wedding brain (i have it..um...now) ruin the day.
ReplyDeleteyeah, i was totally thinking her fiance had an STD and she wanted to see if she could cancel the wedding. glad it ain't that bad.
ReplyDeleteHey everyone! Thanks for all the advice! I about died at my desk when I saw MY email on ESB! I wrote to ESB over a week ago when I was having a 'bridal meltdown.' Since then, I went from calling the entire thing off and eloping to sticking by our original plans. I'm lucky enough to have the most wonderful MOH a bride could hope for and she talked a whole lotta sense into me! And thanks to y'all as well...looking back in hindsight, I couldn't agree more with everyone. It would have been a real jackass move of me to disinvite people! Thanks ESB!
ReplyDeleteOverly Eager. Good call. For long term peace of mind. Trust me on this one:).
ReplyDeleteThis is why Save The Dates are the dumbest wedding invention ever.
ReplyDeleteAm I the only one disappointed there was no talk of sex and disease in this post?
ReplyDelete:) I was almost in your same camp, EXCEPT that my STDs turned out to be DIY hell, and I'm not even halfway done with them (now March for a November wedding...not bad but not at all reaching my goal) and now there are people whose addresses I don't even have who I just don't want to invite.
ReplyDeleteThe thing is now that even when you ask people for an address, they expect an invite. Hell, if you call them and haven't called them in awhile, they expect an invite in the mail the next day. Am I the only one who encounters a series of wedding-happy guests!?
HAY, this has actually happened to me! I got a save the date for a wedding and the couple, who are close friends of me and my fiance had some big money troubles and had to trim the guestlist by about 100 people. they originally had sent a std postcard and when they changed their mind they CALLED everyone to explain why they were disinviting us.
ReplyDeletei never thought twice about it! and we still see them all the time and no weird feelings whatsoever.
And here I was, thinking that the bride had a horrible case of the herp and didn't know how to break it to her groom or something. I've been out of the wedding circle way too long.
ReplyDeleteI totally disagree with you on this one, ESB. Sending out an STD and then deciding, actually it's MY party and I can do whatever I like even if it might possibly hurt other's feelings is a little bit rude and a lot bridezilla.
ReplyDeleteShe might not want to invite them to her wedding, but they are probably her friends, and she might still want to be friends with them after the wedding.
If you are going to stick with (superfluos) social conventions like sending out STDS, you have to expect that they mean something. Sending out STD is a non-verbal commitment to invite the receiver to your wedding, and asking them in return to make a mental commitment to plan to attend. This can include clothing, financial considerations,and time commitments. To just let the word get out that you are cutting your list is a non-commital way of dealing with it, how will guests know whose being cut, and they are one of them? I say the bride should call the un-std guests and let them know that because of "budgetary concerns OR family stuff" she's had to cut her guest list, but she would still love to celebrate with them (she said they were fun) so maybe they could get together for a less formal party after the wedding.
@Asiya well said, lady.
ReplyDeleteYeah, I was definitely reading this post wondering when herpes was gonna rear its ugly, pus-filled head. Took me awhile. But this post definitely makes me glad I didn't send out save the dates; we've waffled about our guest list more than a few times. We just spread the word to close family and friends so that they could make the necessary arrangements, and that seemed to work just fine. For those of you who feel that you must sent out save the dates, maybe just send them to the people whom you really want there no matter what (the kind who would make you very sad if you found out they couldn't come). While everyone who gets a save the date should, barring anything serious, get an invite, I don't think there is any requirement that everyone who gets an invite must get a save the date, even if others do.
ReplyDeleteIf you want an intimate wedding, without being an asshole, then why not have your "real" wedding the night of your rehearsal... and then have your big party wedding the next day? Everyone's special that way.
ReplyDeleteMan, I thought this post was going to be about chlamydia. Unfortunate acronym, those save-the-dates.
ReplyDeleteWait, is a save the date card an actual invitation to the wedding? Now I'm confused!
ReplyDelete