dear esb,
so i have this childhood friend, the height of our friendship occurring around the middle school years. myself and said friend have made paltry efforts over the years to stay in touch, mostly for the sake of nostalgia. there have been occasional meet ups when we both go to our hometown for christmas, and scant fb messages. she actually really insulted me a few years ago by asking if i'd even finished college. (sidenote: i work in photo production and have an art degree...she is in med school...big whoop.)
so! i get a save-the-date from her the last week in january, followed up with an invitation earlier this week, urging respondents to do so by march 15th. the wedding is early june.
my initial thought was yes! i'd love to go to this wedding!! if at worst, it will be in a city i've never explored and could be fun for me and the bf. so i dropped her a lengthy catch-up email...because really? we haven't spoken in over two years, and wouldn't that just be kind of awkward if i attended without reestablishing that line of communication? it was peppered with congratulations and what are you up tos? complete good intentions.
since then (this was three weeks ago), radio silence.
i reply to my original email last night asking if her relic of an aol account was still active, and if so...no pressure on replying as i'm sure she's crazy busy becoming a doctor and planning for a wedding. i get a reply this morning stating "yes, i still check this account, but i'm not too good at replying to emails." and THAT'S IT! i then replied that it was no biggie...when you get a chance drop me a line. looking forward...blah blah. the polite way to handle things...
i don't know which i'm more annoyed with, the accelerated schedule at which her wedding is happening, and the oh-so-gauche fact that she's registered at jc penney and sears (gasp!), or the fact that homegirl can't even articulate a few effin' sentences to satiate my desire to reconnect on some level before I shell out $400+ bucks to go to her crappy wedding.
kind of feeling like staying put in nyc that weekend, on principal alone.
am i reading into things too much?
--a stickler for email manners
*****
I sure as hell wouldn't go to her wedding.
(Although, I'm confused. You'd prefer she registered somewhere more expensive?)
Zeng Chuanxing via Pour Porter via cinoh
No WAY would i go.
ReplyDeleteNext.
um. maybe you shouldn't go because you obviously don't even like this girl. you are calling her wedding crappy, her gift list cheap and you're annoyed at how she's planning it. she'll probably be glad if you don't go. weddings should be about the people who really matter to you getting together to see you get married. not an excuse for petty criticism.
ReplyDeleteSounds like your main reasons for going are so you and your boy can have a jolly jaunt. Visiting a city you've 'never explored' is definitely NOT a reason to go to a wedding.
ReplyDeleteAre you really friends?
ReplyDeleteIt's not your wedding. She can do what the hell she wants.
Please don't go.
clearly you guys don't like each other. so don't go! easy peasy.
ReplyDeleteI'm pretty sure she's inviting you because she feels she has to because you were once friends, not because you are friends. Don't go to this wedding.
ReplyDeleteare you seriously having a fit because someone you've barely been able to keep in touch with over the years, continues to barely keep in touch with you? but now that YOU want to connect, you're pissed that she can't communicate in the way YOU need, in the lead-up to HER wedding. Seriously. and what the crap was that comment about the registry? I agree with others, please don't go to this wedding.
ReplyDeleteIf she wanted to be your friend, she'd make an effort to email you. So why bother shelling out for travel expenses and a gift?
ReplyDeleteAs someone who is trying to finish a PhD (in Physics) and also trying to plan a wedding, I can tell you that writing emails is really low priority, especially when - as in your case - a lack of communication over a given amount of time doesn't seem to alter your relationship with that person. In my case, I try to keep in touch with friends as much as possible (because I like to), but there are times when it just gets really hard - even things like taking out the trash get really hard - so her lack of response may have nothing to do with her feelings towards you, only with her crazy current schedule. She may not even have time to sit in front of the computer for very long and most likely she isn't getting enough sleep.
ReplyDeleteThat said - I agree with some of the other posts that you don't seem to want to go in the first place. I know for me - I do tend to ignore my friends more than I like while I'm busy with school, but weddings are the one thing I'll drop everything for and fly wherever I need to. I'm happy to do it. If you don't feel the same you might as well just stay home.
It doesn't sound like there's much of a friendship here.
ReplyDeleteit seems like the only real reason you've given for considering going is that it might be fun to explore a new city.
ReplyDeleteas someone who got married recently, i can tell you that i only wanted people who loved me and really wanted to be there to come to my wedding. for both of your sakes, why go if you don't even seem to like this girl?
also, why do you care where she's registered?
ummm... i'm confused as to why she even invited you in the first place. you guys are obviously not friends. the fact that you were middle school friends does not merit an invitation, nor does it mean you should go. i say, skip the wedding, stop trying to stay in touch for "the sake of nostalgia", and get on with your life.
ReplyDeleteugh, just say no.
ReplyDeleteI don't know, y'all. I think the girl could be verbally acting out bc she's obviously hurt that her friend hasn't responded. I have to admit, it hurts my feelings when I get shafted like that.
ReplyDelete@Christina - the occasional FB message, email or meeting is not friendship. We are not all meant to be friends forever. It's ok. Life moves on and that is good.
ReplyDeletei personally think you need to get over yourself. i'm really bad about returning emails as well and it has nothing to do with the people I should be responding to. besides, stop trying to make excuses to be friends with her, obviously you aren't that close to her so why make it a big deal?
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like she's having the type of wedding where everyone she's ever known is invited. I can't say I relate...budget constraints made it so my husband and I had to be selective about our guest list. You would not have been invited, had this been my wedding.
ReplyDeleteSeeing as you don't really have an active relationship with this woman, the polite thing to do here would be to send her a gift and your regrets that you cannot attend. I personally think it's rude for people to invite everyone they've ever known, knowing full well that most of those peeps won't come, just so they get a gift outa them. And I understand why you're frustrated with her crappy communication. BUT, you don't have to worry about her. You don't really know the reasons behind her behavior, and you shouldn't speculate.
People spend waaaay too much time consumed by OTHER people's actions, attitudes, etc. You should just be worrying about yourself- how YOU act, YOUR attitude, ect. And the adult thing for you to do here is to NOT attend, and to send a gift.
If you've got a friendship with this girl it isn't really based on what you have now but what you had in the past. It's kind of nice to keep in touch with those people that you were close to growing up even if you've grown apart and your interests don't line up so much anymore. You have memories together and sometimes that's worth holding on to.
ReplyDeleteI say if you think the trip would be nice and you want to be at her wedding, go. If you're just not feeling it, don't sweat it, save your money and stay home.
You may have a right to be mildly annoyed at her ability to email you about not being able to email you, but the idea that you're pissed at her for registering at JCPenny makes you seem like the snob. Don't go to her wedding and spend the $400 to plan a trip to a city you want to visit without an obligation to attend a wedding. Send her a decent gift and a nice note and move on with your life.
ReplyDeleteUm, if you don't want to go, don't go, but it's super bitchy for you to be annoyed that 1) her wedding is happening soon (some people don't want to take a year planning a wedding, I didn't) 2)you don;t like where she registered (Ok, give her something else). Frankly those two things are none of your business, and you are always free to decline an invitation.
ReplyDeleteI proposed to my wife on 10/9/10, and we got married on 2/14/11. We didn't schedule lots of time for planning because we wanted to... get married - not dick around playing plan-a-wedding for two years. Also, our registry consisted of about 9 items on Amazon.
ReplyDeleteI went to visit one of my best friends since high school right after I proposed. I told him about it and invited him (verbally), but after the trip was done, I decided he had been a bit of a douchebag, and was not the friend I remembered.
I did not send him an invite, and he didn't say a word to me from the time I visited him to my wedding day, when he texted, "Hey, weren't you gonna get married today?"
Lesson learned: if she's not responding to your emails, she probably doesn't want you there. I sure as hell didn't want someone at my wedding who wasn't excited about my marriage to the love of my life.
Second - as the previous commenters have said, the registry and timing of the wedding is none of your business. That's completely up to the happy couple. My wife and I got married in Disney World, with less than three month's notice of an invitation, and my uncle from Oakland, CA still found a way to show up.
Final word(s): don't go.
whoa, caseyfriday you're kinda my hero.
ReplyDeleteOk. Agreed she shouldn't go. But frankly I think we're all giving this bride a get-off-easy pass... I mean, talk about mixed messages! I hate the idea of sending someone you were once good friends with a rushed (and perhaps second-tier) invitation to your wedding... which, by the way, means that the bride made the first move to reconnect here... and then not even being considerate enough to respond. If she had time to write 'I don't check this account' she had time to write 'I'm not good at email, and very busy now, but can we chat on the phone to catch up soon?'.... I get that she's in med school, but if you're planning a wedding and inviting people from your past, you surely can't be surprised when they try to get in touch with you!
ReplyDeleteObviously the poster's registry and time-line related cattiness is coming from hurt feelings and an attempt to get the upper hand in the situation. But let's be honest... who here doesn't have one of this 'for nostalgia' type old-friends. It's hard to let go of people. Everyone is so bride-defensive, as if the poster will sully her wedding by attending. The bride is acting like a child, these women were children together, can we be so shocked that the poster is being a little immature?
Whoa, someone's harboring a bit of resentment. She made the effort to invite you, so either graciously go and be nice or graciously turn her down. But you have no right to judge her registry (!) or the pace at which she gets married. And um? March reply for a June wedding? That's a fair enough timeline. Stop being judgey and maybe be happy for a chick.
ReplyDeleteId say dont go, just because of the whole backstory.
ReplyDeleteBut as far as the emailing goes, I have a friend who is the worst at emails. She lives on the other side of the world and rarely responds to my emails or facebook comments, but when we meet up we're the best of friends. And she's genuine. I know this because she doesn't reply to ANYONE's emails. She's not a computer person when it comes to communication. Maybe your friend is like this.
All Im saying is dont hate on non-email fans.
I registered at Target, which I think makes me HELLA gauche
ReplyDeleteI agree with Brigitta Ryan, organised people need to stop getting annoyed by people who don't email back. Some people are like that and it's nothing personal.
ReplyDeleteThank god we're not all super efficient at everything - lazy disorganised people are fun, friendly and wonderful too (well many are :) )
As for this friendship, it sounds like you were really grumpy when you wrote this letter to ESB and maybe if you breathed a bit you'd feel better and have a more measured view.
Breathing is underratted.
You clearly don't even like this girl. You have your answer there, and seem to have sent this email just to receive validation that it's okay to not like her.
ReplyDeleteI don't get it. Go with your instincts, folks.
Also, caseyfriday is my husband. :-) And I'll be emailing in our wedding pictures as soon as I get some.
i love that there's a husband wife combo that reads and comments on this blog. esb you should have a "from the groom's perspective" post once in a while. maybe then MY husband would read and comment with me. (i want to be cool like chesapeake and caseyfriday.)
ReplyDeleteStickler for email manners? What about "regular" manners when being gracious is the name of the game? It's HER life, HER agenda, not yours.
ReplyDeleteYes, please stay home.
She's definitely being rude and you have a right to be upset, but your comments about her registries and pace of her wedding planning are way out of line. You're a friend from middle school, don't flatter yourself.
ReplyDeleteDon't go!!! It looks to me like she made a major error in judgement in inviting you in the first place - your wedding is one of the most awesome days of your life, and you should only have people there who love and support you, not people who bitch about the choices you make. It is quite clear you have never planned a wedding, or you would have a little bit more understanding about the stress and time involved, and not be so anxious about the lack of reply to your email!!
ReplyDelete