Dear ESB,
I never thought I would do this but I need some unbiased advice.
My fiance and I have been engaged for 15 months and about 10 months ago set a date and venue. About two months after being engaged I had the pleasure of asking my then best-friends to be my joint MOHs. Now one of them has grown into a better friend and the other has dissolved into a narcissistic semblance of a person.
She forgets the wedding date, continuously asks me what she has to do and when she needs to start her "wedding diet."
She has issues with being "single" and has broken into tears about being the "only single person" at the wedding which is a far cry from the truth. I recently threw her a birthday party, a weekend away at my fiance's parent's ski house with a few of our other close friends where she spent the entire weekend sulking in the corner saying she was "tricked" into a couples weekend away which was again, not the truth as we had two single friends there and as a group has consistently hung out together for years. (The trigger for her "single" issue was that my other MOH found a wonderful guy who everyone loves...)
There are a multitude of other issues but besides from this she, for the third time in two months- second in 1 week- asked me when the wedding was and then proceeded to tell me that she had "herds of people flying in from [North Carolina] that weekend for her brother's football game against BC." Mind you, this is already after I chose a wedding date two weeks later than when we had originally wanted it because she was "going to miss her brother's senior football game" and threatened to spend the entire reception watching the game- which I just laughed at because 1. who broadcasts Duke football games? and 2. there's no television or cable receiver for miles of the reception location.
I have realized in the past few months that I neither respect her nor do I want to be her friend anymore. I am short of losing it on her and telling her how I really feel but I realize that this is not beneficial for me or my friends that at least still hang out with her or are holding onto some idea of who this person once was.
So, do I get rid of her? And how do I do it? Do I tell her all of the items on the laundry list of my losing respect for her or do I give her a few one liners and be done with it. One of our other friends recently "lost it" in her via email and she proceeded to email them around to our group of friends. I don't really care if she does that with me because all of my friends already know of this issue that I (and my fiance) have with her and supportive of what we need to do.
-Desperately Ditching the MOH
*****
She's behaving like the asshole boyfriend who desperately wants to get dumped. So DUMP HER ASS ALREADY.
All you need to say is "I'm letting you off the hook." If you really are good and done with the friendship, why bother with a laundry list?
(Photo by Guillaume Lechat via because i'm addicted via Studded Hearts)
I concur.
ReplyDeletei agree with esb. "i'm letting you off the hook" is the perfect way to say it, too.
ReplyDeleteone thing, though...it sounds like this person's change in attitude/personality is really sudden. you say it was triggered by your other friend getting a boyfriend, but i'd guess it's actually something deeper and more serious. have you expressed concern for her? if not, i would ask her if she is ok, and tell her that you've noticed that she's just not herself these days and you're worried. she might be dealing with depression or something. taking it out on you and your friends could be her cry for help...granted, an immature cry for help.
I agree, the laundry list is unnecessary and harsh. You might even think she deserves to hear it, and if that's the case: choose your words very carefully. Just because you think she's done you wrong doesn't give you the right to hurt her too.
ReplyDeletei agree with Tonia. sometimes people can lash out in strange ways when they are hurting. it may not be that she wants out. it may be she is struggling with some self-confidence issues about being single and might be pushing people away as a way of fulfilling her own feelings about herself.
ReplyDeletejust telling her all the things you don't like about the 'new' her might be really hurtful.
why don't you just have an honest conversation with her? tell her how her actions have hurt/disappointed you and see how she reacts. if she really doesn't care and wants out of the wedding then i'm sure she'll let you know then.
i feel for you. but also for your friend - she sounds like she's having a rough time.
i disagree that the friend needs any more special attention to her "singleness". what a brat! sulking at her own birthday party that was thrown for her? threatening to watch a football game (regardless if it's her brother) during a reception?? she already moved the date to accomodate, and she doesn't need to put up with a big baby who can't just be happy for her friend's wedding. ditch the bitch!
ReplyDeletei am not a fan of just giving up on friendships when the person has suddenly or over the course of time "changed". all these comments she is making to you are expressing insecurity. I say try being a good friend instead of a fair weather friend and talking to her about how you're feeling and how her behavior is affecting your relationship. Tell her you're giving her an out because her behavior is telling you she doesn't want to be part of your wedding. Girls have a tendency to be passive aggressive and it ruins relationships. Just be direct with her.
ReplyDeletealthough i agree with all of the above...this is a one time shot...its your day...don't let things like this girl get even CLOSE to ruining this experience (YOUR WEDDING!!!!!). this woman sounds like my sister...you can do as i did and continue to try to put up with years of this bull shit just to result in a pathetic pile of tears and no longer spekaing, or you can graciously say something along the lines of the concern blah blah that everyone else advised, and then keep this situation at arms length....best of luck to you both.
ReplyDeleteyou should write her a letter of the laundry list of awful things she's done. then wait. at least 2 days. read it. if your blood boils, let her go. DO NOT send her the letter ;)
ReplyDeleteI have learned that weddings and babies can really bring out people's junk. There was some serious drama surrounding my wedding and long story short, I had two bridesmaids from hell and parents who couldn't let their little girl go. It was all masked under different issues but later it was revealed that there were very real and very deep hurts revoling around the situation that had little to do with me, but I was an unfortunate casualty.
ReplyDeleteAnd my worst behaved bridesmaid? Still my very best friend to this day. We actually laugh about my wedding. I was her maid of honor and we joked about how much better I was at it than she was.
If this is a sudden change there are probably some real issues that your friend is wrestling with. Sure, it blows to have to deal with your friends when you are trying to plan a wedding, but if there was no wedding and she started acting like this would you be more inclined to try to figure out what was truly bothering her?
This is why my entire wedding party consisted of my sister.
ReplyDeleteI have a similar situation with one maid and I say Claire put it best... weddings bring out all the timorous beasts.
ReplyDeleteI completely agree with claire. You aren't that great of a friend either if you are just going to drop her when she gets depressed and can't handle it.
ReplyDeletePlus your examples of "she forgets the wedding date, continuously asks me what she has to do and when she needs to start her "wedding diet" don't really seem that bad. My sister can't remember my wedding date and it isn't because she doesn't care it is becuase that is how she is and she doesn't keep a calendar.
Why don't you just tell her what you want her to do (she has been asking) and include that you want her to stop getting too wrapped up in being single, keep her mouth shut about it, be there and focused at the wedding, put on a fucking smile and get you a glass of champagne.
It is possible that it is just the circumstance of you+her+wedding does not mix.
ReplyDeleteI had a similar situation years ago with a dear friend who I made the mistake of living with a dear friend. After about a year I was like: If I never see this person again I couldn't care less. 1 year of hell was all it took to destroy 10 years of friendship.
Fast forward 4 years and we have totally repaired our friendship (a process that took time and commitment on both sides) and she is actually going to be one of my bridesmaids. I love her dearly, but as a roommate it was a disaster.
So maybe don't do anything rash. Talk to her in an open and honest way. And tell her that you honestly wouldn't have hurt feelings if being a MOH is just too much for her.
Maybe if you take the MOH responsibility out of the equation the rest can heal itself. In my experience losing a close friend like that is something that can haunt you for years.
My soon to be sister-in-law was in this situation last year. One of the bridesmaids questioned loads of her decisions and rejected all dresses because they "wouldn't suit" her (massive) frame. My future SIL doesn't take any shit so it blew up and they're no longer friends. After that she texted the rest of us to check that we def still wanted to be bridesmaids. You could try just saying to her that you get the impression that she doesn't want to be your bm any more and maybe it's best if you only had one?
ReplyDeleteI don't get the folk talking about this bridemaid's issue with being single....so what? The girl in my case obviously had issues with her weight but that doesn't excuse her acting like a total dick.
Basically if you feel like that about her now, why would you want her to be around ou on your wedding day when you're likely to be stressed out your box? Chuck her.
I got married last year and had a similar situation. I'd asked two of my best friends at the time I was engaged to be co MOH's. The one, who is still my best friend to this day, was the best MOH i could have asked for. The other turned into a selfish shell of a friend, and it came to the point where she was not in my bridal party nor invited to the wedding. And I don't see her or talk to her anymore.
ReplyDeleteWhat I think it comes down to is this: Is your friendship going through a "rough patch" that you both want to fix and work through? If not, if you keep this co MOH in your wedding, will you look back on your wedding pictures and wish you hadn't had her standing next to you?
Will you still be friends after the wedding, or will you go your own separate ways?
If you will go your own separate ways and you don't want a sulky bridesmaid standing next to you to support you as you marry the love of your life? then i agree that you should ditch the bitch, like I did. :)
I also don't think a laundry list is necessary--you should say what you need to in order to have peace with the situation. Other than that, just let her off the hook. She might want that anyways.
Also, if she gets worse and worse as it gets closer to the wedding- are you going to want to "duke it out" with her as you are finishing up the stressful last minute details of your wedding (if it comes to that)? It's probably better to work things out (no matter what the outcome is) sooner rather than later.
ReplyDeletei propose a combo... not sure how far away the wedding is but why don't you just ride it out? like, put that shit on pause? DON'T get rid of her; DON'T work it out. weddings are SO DRAMA STRESSFUL anyway, and doing anything other than ignoring her will only add to the drama. sounds like all your friends are united behind you, so distance yourself from her for the duration of the pre-wedding stuff. deal with it as just another wedding-related rite of passage. POST-wedding, after you have returned to your calm, wonderful, completely rational self, and she has either gone back to normal or continued to be crazy, either drop her or deal with it. weddings alter everyone's behavior in a bad way due to the stress and the pressure and the looking skinny (or not) or being the center of attention (or not). i'd wait until after to make a ruckus. you don't want the rest of your wedding to be about her, so just ignore her.
ReplyDeleteThanks for all the tips and thanks for expressing concern for me pulling the trigger too soon.
ReplyDeleteI should add that about three years ago I told her that we needed some time apart as friends. She was devastated to hear it at that time and we decided that we should try to figure it all out. I spent a great deal of time and effort trying to better our relationship. When I asked her to be my MOH it was after a lot of hard work and I do have to admit that I wasn't entirely sure then but our friendship was on an upwards trajectory. Yes, my friend has gone through some traumatic events recently. I spent days on the phone with her trying to help her through the situation. However, it became increasingly clear that she was overexaggerating the situation to the point where her entire family believed that she was taking things too far. Both of her mother's parents passed away from terminal cancer within a week of each other.The MOH started telling people that her parents passed away to garner further sympathy and everytime I asked her how her mom was doing (who was very much alive) she would say "I don't know, I don't talk to her."-- she still lives with her parents. I expressed great concern for her, told her she needed to see somebody, told her that I thought she was depressed, and have talked to her in great length about how her behaviour is unhealthy, all to no avail. I am concerned for her and I am really sad to see what was once a great friendship dissolve but I now strongly believe she's totally clueless and never had someone hold a mirror up to her actions- she has never been in an a relationship.
ok, her situation is really sad...she clearly needs help and it sounds like you've done everything within your power to try and support her and show that you care, and instead of responding to your efforts, she is trying to drag you down with her. Misery loves company, and I think it's time you stop keeping company with this woman. Express your compassion for her, one last time, and let her know you're here for her if she needs you but you don't condone her behavior and her attitude/actions is effecting you negatively, so it's time to part ways (again) until she's ready to come 'round.
ReplyDeleteYup, Tonia's got it right.
ReplyDeleteI've had to break up with a toxic friend before and ESB's advice is right on. If your friend wants to know why, I think the most productive response is, "We've talked about our issues at length before, and I think any further discussion would just be hurtful."
ReplyDeleteJust a thought, saying "You've changed" is quite a hurtful thing to say, so just in case... avoid that particular phrase. Sounds like she needs serious help.
ReplyDeleteGood luck