Hiya,
Sooo, having a bit of an ass-pain issue with a cousin (well, second cousin. Who I hadn't met until November.) She moved across the country to my radtastic little town after breaking up with her dude of 7 years. And she moved out here with a different dude. They lived in my house until the day Cousin decided she didn't want to be with new dude and split, leaving new dude as our roommate (and he rocks. Seriously.) Then we all found out through the grapevine that old dude was moving to town to get back together with Cousin. Yadda yadda yadda ... he's in town for at least 3 weeks before I meet him, but the whole time Cousin is talking about how much fun her and old dude are going to have at my Hawaii wedding.
Wait, hold the phone ... what? She didn't ask me. Just told me. At first new dude/Roommate wasn't comfortable with this. Understandably. Now he's saying he'll be there regardless. I tried to talk to her the other night about how I wasn't comfortable that she just assumed, but if she and old dude could attend with Roommate also in attendance and not have issues, that'd be great. She flipped out, burst into tears in the middle of the bar and started accusing me of judging old dude. Um, no. I'm just trying to make sure everyone plays nice, and also convey that it was a pretty shit situation for me to be in in the first place.
Now she's not coming at all and I feel like an asshole. But I also had to stand up for myself. Was that so wrong?
Thanks.
Possibly sucking at life.
*****
Dear PSAL,
You are not an asshole, but you did sorta choose sides here. You had to.
Now stop feeling guilty and move on to more important things, like WHAT ARE YOU WEARING TO THE REHEARSAL DINNER?
xoxo,
ESB
(Image via Party Tights)
i get this. i do.
ReplyDeletei have some cousins who did the exact same thing. the first one has a boyfriend who wears all ed hardy + is covered in un-cool tattoos. also, he is a complete d-bag. (they broke up last month).
the second cousin, her younger brother, was still in high school + informed me that he was bringing his girlfriend. i mean, i was livid. LIVID. i didn't understand how getting an invitation to a 'family only ceremony' meant that you could bring your significant other who you are a) tentatively dating and b) i have never met.
so. i called up my aunt + told her that the only people who were going to be in the room during our wedding were people who knew + loved us. i told her that the 'significant others' were welcome at the reception, but the rehearsal dinner + wedding had been planned according to our family only rule. they seemed fine with it.
once i let it go, things were much easier. and i got to worry about other things. like what to wear to the rehearsal dinner.
My favorite family awkwardness - Husband's aunt (my MIL's twin sister) throws us a shower and invites her son's girlfriend. I meet the gf for the first time at the party, she's really, really nice and we get along great. 3 weeks later Auntie calls and asks me to not plus-one her son because of some nonsense between her and the gf. I'm like, we're inviting 300 people to this wedding, everybody over 18 gets a plus one. *Maybe* I'd consider something like that out of respect for Auntie if I didn't know the girl, but she introduced us and the girl gave me a shower gift!!
ReplyDeleteSolution: Lie. Oh, the invites have already been printed, addressed and sealed. Nothing I can do about that now. If you want I can still seat you at different tables.
People never realize how this kind of thing is SUPER ANOYYING until they get married, and then they'll have other people doing this kind of thing to THEM and they'll realize and think, "crap...i had NO idea at the time, but i was totally inconsiderate back then."
ReplyDeletebut so, you can't expect single people to have the same sensitivities about wedding protocol as you do. you did the right thing to try and explain your side of things to your 2nd cousin...it's too bad she didn't respond more maturely. but don't let it weigh you down. she'll understand someday when it's her turn.
Cousin sounds a little slutty and a whole lot needy. You sound fantastic.
ReplyDeleteyeah...you had to choose and you chose the dude who's been actually invested in getting to know you and hanging out..she ran away when old dude came flying back to her...so you know...
ReplyDeletewe have a friend who DISAPPEARS when he gets a new girlfriend...we never get to meet her...frustrating..but when he's single, he's our "best friend"...yeah...annoying.
good for you for saying something...sleep easy tonight.
Don't think twice about this - you did nothing wrong!
ReplyDeleteYep, you did nothing wrong. Sounds like your cousin is the kind of person who creates drama. So no matter what you did, she would have found some way to make it about her and to make your life difficult.
ReplyDeletei'd be the bitch telling her the old-bf couldn't come.
ReplyDeleteshrug.
she sounds like all kinds of fun. i bet your wedding will be better off without her anyway. seriously.
ReplyDeletep.s. that is my all-time favorite haircut. damn these stupid curls.
ReplyDeleteare you upset that she didn't clear her date with you beforehand? I think that if you extend an invite to someone "and guest", they get to bring...a guest. Of their choosing. I get it if she was bringing your ex or something, but the whole "the new guy is making my roommate uncomfortable" is a bit much. But I also think it's your party, you get to do what you want and everyone else can just deal.
ReplyDeleteI'm more upset that she "switched up" the dude she was bringing, so instead of attending with the Roommate, he would have to attend by himself and she would bring a whole 'nother homeboy. And the fact that she assumed she could bring old boyfriend in the first place. Her and Roommate never got official invites, so the "plus one" wasn't clarified, nor was it extended. There was a lot of assuming and non-communication taking place ... which, in essence is what upset me. Now, after reading these comments, I don't feel like nearly as much of a dick as I did.
ReplyDeleteyour cousin sounds very immature and inconsiderate. Tonia is right, some people who have never planned a wedding don't get it, but then again many do. So I don't let everyone off the hook just because they have never planned a wedding. It's just called being considerate, and knowing that the bride has more important things to worry about. My husband's sister didn't bother to show up to our bridal party pictures after the ceremony because she was hungry and hot (and yes she was in the wedding because I begged her). That was a hard pill to swallow, but you know what, in the end the people who REALLY care about you will be there without making any fuss. PERIOD.
ReplyDeleteExcept for the fact that you're you and actually have to deal with Cousin Drama-Pants, this sounds like a non-issue. You sound very cool, ended up with a great new friend/roommate and are about to get MARRIED! IN HAWAII!
ReplyDeleteCongratulations!
However, since you ARE you and DO have to deal with it:
My advice is to be gracious to all your guests, even the ones that suck ass and make a fuss - make sure you have a friend nominated to gracefully remove them from your sight. And if Cousin decides not to come, that means you will have less dumb people around you and a higher density of awesome, fun drama-free people. Which is how every day ought to be.
Well, after trying to smooth things over and help her understand that the conversation was not about the ex, the current or even her ... she's not getting it. Full on playing the victim.
ReplyDeleteReally considering just leaving her in the dust. Not necessarily my style, but this is taking wayyy to much of my energy.
yeah, do it. don't think about it again. at least until after the whole thing. :)
ReplyDelete