dear ESB, please smack some sense into me about this:
my college-boyfriend/now-friend got married five years ago. i didn't have a job at the time, but traveled to another state to attend the wedding, and bought them a $100 coffeemaker (which at the time was more money than i was comfortable spending, but i decided to suck it up because there weren't many cheaper options on their registry). two years later he got divorced.
this summer, i got married. i invited him (we live in the same town now) and a few days later he called to say he and his girlfriend would be happy to attend. i didn't know he had a girlfriend so hadn't invited her, but after struggling with the guest list, we made room for her. now, after the wedding, i just received an email from our registry saying that they bought us a $14 meat pounder as a wedding gift. he hasn't given it to us yet, but i am kind of flabbergasted by his cheapness. i gave him a $100 gift, traveled to attend his wedding solo (i wasn't invited with a guest and didn't have a boyfriend at the time), paid more than $300 for him and a girlfriend i'd never met to attend my wedding, and he thinks a $14 meat pounder is an appropriate gift?!
i know gifts are not obligatory at weddings, and i shouldn't have any expectations about what someone should give us, but this is an employed adult in his thirties! would it be totally wrong of me to make a comment when he gives us the meat pounder? what could i possibly say? i know i must sound incredibly petty, but this really bothers me and hurts my feelings... he is an artist so even if he dashed off a drawing and gave that to us instead it would be so much better in my eyes...
any advice?
trying not to be petty but it's hard
*****
Get over it.
(This is why you should never invite your ex to your wedding.)
Photo by Alex Prager via TeenAngster
um, yeah.
ReplyDeleteexcept the part about not inviting ex's. this could happen from anyone.
ReplyDeleteSorry. Agree with ESB and Jamie. Take it out on the meat pounder when it arrives.
ReplyDeleteMaybe he just wants you to hurry up and get over him and go beat some other man's meat already.
ReplyDeleteyeah it kinda sucks. grow up.
ReplyDeleteDoes it suck...yeah. Can you do anything about it...no. At least he got you something. We still haven't gotten a gift from several FAMILY members. Nothing you can do.
ReplyDeletemaybe he also bought you a subscription to some sort of gourmet meat delivery service...
ReplyDeleteYes, it sucks. But no, you shouldn't say anything.
ReplyDeleteI'd rather have received nothing from someone that a weak $13 present. He comes off even cheaper this way.
And maybe you should've just given him $50 instead of trying to buy something off the registry if it was really out of your price range. Seriously, cash is always the best present at a wedding.
Making a comment to someone about the cheapness of their gift is never appropriate. Even though it sucks to feel shortchanged. But one doesn't give gifts expecting an equivalent gift in return.
ReplyDeleteI agree with most ppl here, it sucks but there's nothing you can do about it and shouldn't say anything. Clearly there's a reason you guys didn't end up together! Also maybe he's giving it to you with a gift certificate or something like that...you never know.
ReplyDeleteIs it possible he did that because he knew you would know that he bought it and he's trying to get your goat? And that there's a better gift off registry he's giving. I don't want to get your hopes up, but if he's a joker this doesn't seem unlikely to me.
ReplyDeleteIf not, there's nothing much you can do, except wait to see if he has a baby some day and then give him a $2 pacifier as a gift. Just kidding.
I feel that way all the time - I give GREAT gifts, and I'm always disappointed that not everyone is as awesomely thoughtful as I am.
ReplyDeleteBut you still have to realize that being ungrateful makes you sound like a douche. A gift is a gift. Like Meaghan said, take it out on some meat (...that is a weird fucking gift from an ex though, never mind how cheap it was)
Why did you put a $14 meat pounder on your registry in the first place?
ReplyDeleteI was in the same situation. Have heart that at least some of those people gave us cash/off-registry presents as well.
ReplyDeletemaybe there's a card with a check inside attached to the meat pounder.
ReplyDeleteHe is probably giving your something else too, but either don't say anything. Be gracious!
ReplyDeleteOh god - the same thing happened to us, including the scrambling to make room for a +1, just not for an ex. It sucks, but it's best to just laugh and get over it (and hope it comes with some cash. Or a steak). We still haven't received gifts from about 40% of our guests, including a lot of family. And then there was some crazy off-registry fug (never let people think your taste is "quirky"). It really did hurt my feelings, even though I know in my grown-up sensible heart of hearts that gifts are not mandatory. There's really nothing that you can do about it. For what it's worth, I do find that a lot of guys are really bad about this kind of thing. Maybe take solace in that?
ReplyDeleteOh - and the coping mechanism we used was to turn the whole thing into an inside joke. Spray paint the thing gold or hot pink and display it as an objet d'art.
ReplyDeleteIf it makes you feel better, we had a friend who invited her new girlfriend who we'd never met and she just left her husband for, and we were like well... great, and we paid for both of them, and tehn they didn't show up, and they didn't give us a gift or write an apology note.
ReplyDeleteESB would say I should have been more picky on my guest list, but no, this was one of my very best friends at one point in my life. She should just get her sh*t together, but I digress.
So, now your ex looks like gold right? Well. Not gold, but it could be much much worse. At least they both showed, and they bought you something, and you know where you stand with them. No more $100 gifts at the next wedding. The. End.
i'm interested in the outcome of this once he does give you the meat pounder. it sounds like the makings of an awesome gift with a bit of tongue in cheek humor. i mean, a meat pounder? really? it very well could be attached to something else, ie a fat check or... a cow. idunno. wait it out and try not to judge.
ReplyDeleteI don't really like the way you all seem to think that gifts are mandatory. They are just that, gifts. All the complaining about how some people never gave you anything etc seems kinda screwed up. They don't owe you a wedding present.
ReplyDeleteI understand why you're upset and I do think you're justified in feeling annoyed by your ex's thoughtlessness. Look on the bright side, I presume you're feeling quite good you aren't together any more.
ReplyDeleteBut there's no rule that says you have to buy from the registry - if you're weren't comfortable spending $100 you should've choosen a different gift or given money. While it obviously looms large in your mind as you spent beyond your comfort zone, he quite possibly recalls neither your gift nor the value of it, and it's hardly his fault that you spent so much. Still less so that you failed to include the contract which stipulated that you expected a return gift of equal or greater value upon your nuptuals. No wait, why would you send that? That would be crass, rude, bad manners. And a passive-aggressive "joke" would be just as rude. Is embarrassing your ex going to make you feel better or like a prize twat?
Give presents for the pleasure in giving them, not to sit there entitled, starry-eyed and hands open for your return gift.
Yes, it sucks. No, don't make a comment about it. Instead you get to bitch/ laugh about for, like, ever. It is a Thing of Note amongst my friends that my father's engagement gift to me and my partner was to give us his newer, but used, washing machine which at the time he no longer wanted, then shortly afterwards take our older, more basic washing machine (which we planned to gift to friends in light of the weird gift from my dad) because else he didn't have one... which was a fair step down from the "I'll buy you a dishwasher if you pay for the installation," gift he originally announced...
ReplyDeleteARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME ?! !>!>!!>>?!?!?!?!
ReplyDeletethis letter is making me so angry i can't even see straight. the whole point of a wedding is you get to spend a precious few moments with the people you cherish most. people that you MAY NEVER SEE AGAIN FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.
i am reminded of a very special friend of mine and his perfectly perfect wife. when they invited me to their wedding, i was straight out of college, BROKE AS SHIT (working as a catholic school teacher... you do the math) and these dear people invited me to their far-away wedding. i said that i would attend... with my on-again-off-again boyfriend... but we flaked out. because we were lame and barely had two nickels to rub together.
ANYWAY. we sent them a saw. yes. a saw. a circular saw.
and then he and his new wife sent me the most beautiful thank you note i've ever read. they were more concerned about me ... the fact that i couldn't make the journey ... than they were about the ridiculous gift i sent.
i saw the light. that was the only wedding gift i've ever purchased. EVER. it seemed perfect for my friend (he's into tools and working with his hands). every other wedding gift i've ever thought of buying has felt like complete SHOPPING-FOR-OTHERS BULLSHIT.
if you're that hung up about what you're friend owes you, take him onto motherfucking judge judy and settle it up once and for all.
or grow the hell up.
get over it. this is why you aren't marrying him, and really, that's the true wedding gift in and of itself: the man you married isn't him.
ReplyDeletecongrats!
Why invite an ex? And if you say "Because he invited me," then you deserve the $14 meat pounder. By the way, I use my meat pounder like 3x a week. They f*cking rock for chicken breast. Duh.
ReplyDeleteOh, & PS: DONT GO TO WEDDINGS THAT YOU DONT REALLY WANT TO GO TO BECAUSE IF YOU DONT WANT TO GO THEY ARE PROBABLY JUST BEING NICE! Save the both of you some money & get yourself a pedi instead. Shit.
ReplyDeleteIt makes me sad to know that people size up their wedding gifts like this.
ReplyDeleteMy thoughts are that Gift giving should not be about keeping score or giving back as much or more as what was given. A gift is just that a gift given freely because the person wants to give. We should not have expectations of what we are given or expect anything in return for the gifts we give. But we should be appreciative of anything that a person is willing to give us.
ReplyDeleteWOW, lady... you might want to check yourself.
ReplyDeleteHowever, if you're already feeling this negative about it, you might want to return the meat pounder when you do get it. You shouldn't keep things in your house (or your marriage, as it is a wedding gift) that give you negative associations when you see them.
ReplyDeleteThe majority of our wedding guests did not even write us a card, let alone give us a gift. We were sad, because we felt like they were saying "hey, we just wanted an excuse to chill in Vegas and wanted to drink free drinks all night, who cares that you got married?" Of course, now we have too much stuff, anyway. But one of my favorite gifts was from a friend who traveled far away and was low on cash. He got us a shot glass from the hotel/casino we had our wedding at. We were collecting shot glasses at the time, so that was an extra special addition. Long story short, it was about the thought, and not the amount. You put a lot of thought and effort into his wedding gift and don't feel that he did for yours. Perfectly valid feelings, it isn't really about the gift. It's about you feeling sad that perhaps you care more about him than he cares about you. Which, sadly could be the reality. Stop ragging on her so hard, ladies. Read between the lines.
ReplyDeleteShort and to the point advice, but I couldn't agree more, personally. All you can do is make a mental note to not spend $100 on him again.
ReplyDeleteSeveral people who are good friends who came to our wedding didn't bring presents but I'd rather they'd been there than brought a present.
ReplyDeleteMaybe he thinks because you put it on your registry that you actually wanted it and therefore you would be pleased.
Is this, like, a METAPHORICAL meat-pounder?
ReplyDeleteGeez, guys don't be so hard on her-she's just verbalizing an unspoken social contract--"We throw large, expensive wedding with food, drinks, and dancing, and you (the guests) help set us up for our new life together."
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry to all you free-thinking, optional-gifters out there but a decent and thoughtful gift is PERFUNCTORY at a traditional wedding.
And what's so awful about knowing that a gift is expected of you? It's called being grown up and performing our social functions...we can't dispense with all of them you know.
Of course, if they elope, ask you to bring food for the reception, or have some other non-traditional event, the gift may be more discretionary.
It's truly degenerate though for people to compare how much they spent "per head" to the cost of the gift received.
As in, I paid $300 for you attend my wedding and you bought me a $14 gift.
Your decision to overspend does NOT entitle you to a pricey gift from every (or ANY) guest.
Everyone back the F off the poor girl. Srsly.
ReplyDeleteDon't act like your don't pout when a friend can't return the kindness and generosity you've given. This guy is being a total toolbag. For what it's worth - he might be giving the meat pounder in addition to something else, try not to judge too quickly. But if all the cheapo is giving is the $14 meat-pounder, that sucks. It does. It's rude and hurtful. But now you know. So smile, write a very nice thank you note, and then remember that the next time you get invited to a gift-giving function in his honor.
And people seriously - yes gifts are expected at a wedding. And a gift can be anything - maybe something homemade, as long as it has some thought and meaning to it. A $14 meat pounder from the registry says - I'm lazy and cheap.
My first thought: Everyone knows that dudes are ASS at giving wedding presents. My second thought: Maybe the meat pounder will arrive with an amazing side of beef. My third thought: Someone gave me a meat pounder for a shower gift and it has been an AWESOME kitchen implement. You never know when you have to pound the shit out of something.
ReplyDeleteJust write him a note and say, "Thanks for the husband tenderizer!"
I second the notion that perhaps the meat pounder will arrive with some other spectacular gift, but wouldn't be surprised if it didn't. Get this: Some guests will not give gifts. It just happens. Their mere presence is your gift, I guess.
ReplyDeleteI second ESB but also second the whole "back the fuck off the bride" movement. I don't think you should be so mean to her... this is just a blog, not exactly some place to judge her so harshly. I'm only 21, so I'm far from being under bridal-stress, but I can just imagine how fucking annoying this must seem. Bright side is that the bride will forget about this douchy move while she's shoving cake down her gullet (like I know I will) with her significant other.
ReplyDeleteholy shit you wrote THAT MUCH about a gift? damn right you sound petty. i think you need to take a day off and go do some charity work, realize there are way more important things to worry about. and don't you dare bring that up to him, he's NOT obligated to get you shit.
ReplyDeletetotally late on this. sorry, dudes.
ReplyDeleteno, not obligated to get a gift. but truth time: i would be irritated, too, but i would NEVER EVER EVER SAY ANYTHING ABOUT IT. EVER.
My favorite wedding gift was a container of Play-doh. It was an inside joke from an old friend. That's all they got me but it made my day and is a reminder of all the funny, stupid, only-we-would-laugh-at-this moments we have shared together. Good gifts are about the thought that goes into them, not the price tag.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry this guy made you feel bad, but forget about him and dwell on all the happy things about your upcoming wedding. I promise this will seem like a distant memory once the wedding is over. I freaked out about a couple really lame little things right before my wedding, too. It was the stress talking. Looking back I can't believe I even cared about any of that stuff- they were all such silly little details compared to the big picture. Congrats, have fun, and try to relax!
I get the feeling this is more about his behavior than the fact that the gift was $14. AND the fact that he had the audacity to bring a guest when he wasn't invited to bring a guest.
ReplyDeleteA meat pounder? That's just fucking inconsiderate. I mean a painting would have been better, like she said, and that's free. Besides the materials he already has.
I think the ex's choice of gift is hilarious, and you and your new husband can enjoy a good laugh every time you take it out, think of him, and pound some meat. <3
ReplyDelete