Dear ESB:
We are having a forkless wedding. It isn't that we have something against forks, we just don't like having to put our cocktail down to hold a plate in one hand and a fork in the other (there won't be any tables at our wedding). My bride-to-be desperately wants to cut a wedding cake ("it's tradition"). I don't want to strip her of her dream but I also want to steer clear of doling out slices of cake that require forks. I would like to have a teeny tiny mini two person cake that we can 'cut' and then serve tray passed, forkless desserts of our choice to our guests. Would this leave our guests pining for our cake (does anyone even like cake)? Or do we need to serve cupcakes (I hope not)? Or better yet do you have another option?
Another question: we are registered but only for our honeymoon (we need the assistance). Now our wonderful friends are throwing wedding showers and we have only registered for... well... $. Do we need to register for physical gifts? Are we being rude not offering options?
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1. If you cut a cake, it would be rude/weird not to pass out slices. (But in my opinion there is nothing particularly special about the cake-cutting tradition, and you can tell your bride-to-be I said so.)
2. The whole point of a shower is for people to "shower" you with gifts. If you don't register, they won't know what the f*ck to give you, and you'll end up with five difficult-to-return toasters (or worse).
2a. Were you really expecting everyone to sit around in a circle and watch you open envelopes of cash?
DISCLAIMER: I did not have a bridal shower, nor, to the best of my knowledge, have I ever been to a bridal shower. All my assumptions about bridal showers are based on romantic comedies, Sex and the City, and (other) wedding blogs.
Image via Zombie Flu
i don't understand showers for weddings. for babies i get. you are having a baby you need things people want to shower you with gifts.
ReplyDeleteyou are having a wedding people bring gifts to weddings why would they then need to also bring you gifts to a shower?
maybe someone can enlighten me.
First of all, please let me say that this is the most random "Dear ESB" I have read in quite some time.
ReplyDeleteSecond, I feel qualified to weigh in on the whole 'bridal shower' scenario. I don't know what it is about the South, but people pretty much insist that you have a shower. I didn't really want one at first... I felt like I was just going to be sitting there being stared at while I opened gifts. But it ended up being REALLY great. I even wore my Official Keith Richards skull ring to make myself feel more grounded amongst such girly things. BUT some family friends took the reins on that + insisted that they throw one, and it wasn't all goofy + 'Sex In the City'. It was lovely. And yes, registering for gifts is a good idea. Like ESB said, you don't want to end up with a metric ton of toasters or crystal frames you will never use (or, in our case, a box full of random hand towels with monograms on them that WEREN'T OURS. AND we registered. Not for that. Use the registry, people). I think it is just generally good manners to register. Some people are super uncomfy about shelling out straight up cash for weddings, but are more than willing to buy you a $200 coffee maker. So go ahead. Register. Most places let you sign up to get giftcards anyway, if you'd rather.
And, if I were you, I'd get some forks. You don't want people to be shoving finger foods in their mouth while wearing fancy party clothes. It just seems dangerous. But that's me. And I'm sure it will be lovely, either way.
Why don't you pass round cut slices of cake on pretty paper napkins? It could be a very practical non-fork desssert, so long as the icing isn't too goopy.
ReplyDeleteAs for the shower thing, you could register somewhere for people who *want* to buy you something off a list, and only tell them about it if they phone to ask? But to be honest I'd expect nothing more than something small and personal (if anything) from a bridal shower - I suppose it depends how many pennies your mates have, I mean are they Baron and Baroness Monte Carlo or John and Susan, impoverished graphic designers? - and I'd think of the household stuff as more of a *wedding* gift so I'm not sure if registration is neccessary. Ah yes, according to the Oracle (ie wiki) "The history of the custom [of the bridal shower] is rooted not necessarily for the provision of goods for the upcoming matrimonial home, but to provide goods and financial assistance to ensure the wedding may take place." So, to conclude this stupidly long comment, yes cake, don't register imho. Wax stamp.
Here is what I did:
ReplyDeleteMy groom and I don't like cake and we don't hate forks either, but we're huge foodies and would never serve cupcakes either...SO, we did croquembouche. Look that shit up. It was such a fun way to get the guests involved (many had never even heard of croquembouches before, let alone see one, so it was a major crowdpleaser) and NO FORKS NECESSARY.
For our shower/wedding gift predicament:
We straight up told our parents (since it's apparently rude to be straight up with your guests), "If anyone asks, we have NO room for ANYTHING!" since we live in a tiny cottage. So our parents got to add the "oh btw, they're just want money." Only wound up with 2 boxes at the wedding! :)
I don't like cake. Symbolically cutting the cake and then passing out mini eclairs or whatever would make me one happy guest (even happier without the cake cutting).
ReplyDeleteI didn't have a shower, didn't want one, and hate going to them. But if it's happening, then yeah...you need to register.
Since most wedding cakes are for show, with a giant sheet cake in the kitchen that gets cut up and passed around to guests, what's the difference? I'd rather have eclairs.
ReplyDeleteAnd I meant to say, only wound up with 2 boxes at the wedding AND all the rest of the gifts were envelopes filled with money. And if people must know, the 2 boxes actually had decent gifts in them! :D
ReplyDeleteIf you already live with your soon-to-be-spouse then you probably already have everything you might need... especially if you live in a teeny, tiny apartment like my hubby and I do. We thought it would be silly to register for a bunch of stuff that we might hate once we actually move into a larger place, so we registered for a down payment. Since this was so "non-traditional" in my mother's eyes, we compromised and did a very small registry at Crate & Barrel. That way, if people really felt weird about giving us money, they had the option to purchase something. The other pro to having a small registry is that as soon as everything is bought up, the last resort is money.
ReplyDeleteOr, you could just not open presents in front of your shower guests. I have attended a shower like that, and really enjoyed myself. I mean, let's be honest, it gets really boring sitting around, watching people open presents.
My comment isn't so much about cakes or shower but rather this whole no fork thing. Correct me if I am wrong, but you would need to put down your cocktail to eat regardless right? Or are people just picking single bites right off a tray and eating them directly?
ReplyDeleteAnd shoot, if it is her dream to do cake let the girl have some cake! Who cares about forks, seems like a random thing to take issue with.
If you aren't serving cake, you can always cut some other dessert that you *are* serving (even a special bigger fancy version of that dessert). I was just at a wedding where the couple served pie and they cut it and fed each other (uh, but they used forks for that), but you get the idea. It was just as cute as cake cutting.
ReplyDeleteAnd registering is a good idea if you are having a shower. People will buy you stuff. And as Naurnie said, some people feel uncomfortable giving cash gifts. If they don't like giving cash they will buy you something, possibly at random (picture frames, trivets, faceless figurines). Gift-giving is very cultural and people have all sorts of hang-ups about it. It will be easier for you if they are buying you things you want. Plus at many places you can return stuff from your registry and get cash. Sometimes only gift cards/store credit. But the registry helps with the returning part if people are buying you crap you don't want, as it basically acts as a gift receipt. Not that I want to encourage rudeness. Write down who gave you what and be sure to send thank you notes, even if they give you something ugly and unreturnable.
this was my random dear esb email. the feedback is much appreciated and noted.
ReplyDeletejust to clarify, the wedding is on a large sailboat (about 70 guests) and will be small bites (lots of small bites).
also, one bridal shower is 3000 miles from our home (west coast shower; brooklyn residence). i love the idea of setting up a small registry for those that really need/want that help (which i understand - i often shop from the registry) but i think we will ask our hosts if they would be comfortable foregoing the gift opening part of the shower (their call of course).
better yet, maybe we ask people to skip the shower gift and instead shower us with love. i mean... we are in our 30's... and we have a ton of stuff!
ReplyDeletethe whole no table thing makes more sense now. i'm glad you clarified... i was worried ;)
ReplyDeleteFor the cake: serve petits fours. They are tiny cake so perhaps that will appease your bride and they are bite size so no fork issue. You feed her one, she feeds you one, pass them out to guests. Done and done.
ReplyDeleteFor the shower: if you already have everything you need ask the hosts to throw you an engagement party with no gifts. Otherwise I think you'll have a hard time getting people to do money, the gift opening portion of the shower is usually the main event (as much as I hate that, and hated it at my own shower as well, but what can you do).
I don't even know what to do with this question. Usually, I'm all over the questions, but this going so far out of my comfort zone that I have to stretch the limits of my imagination to answer.
ReplyDeleteBut here goes: 99% of the traditions that come along with weddings are more about the guests than the couple. The cake, for instance. Who gives a shit? People who like cake, that's who. Honestly, just cut a cupcake and be done with it. I'm not into cupcakes, but if you want cake, that's one of way of doing it - just give people their cupcakes and all will be well.
Showers: also for other people. I originally thought they were for greedy brides and told my peeps I wasn't going to have one, and then - seriously, I'm not exaggerating here - FIVE people were personally upset not to have the opportunity to shower me with gifts. I thought my mom was going to commit harikiri (or however you spell it). It was weird. I felt strange about it - I'm an adult after all, I don't need a shit-ton of presents, but in the end, I was glad I did it. First of all, my friends threw down the baddest party ever - it was multi-generational and raucous and really, really touching. I felt the love, man, and that's what it's about. Getting a bunch of women in a room can't be bad. It's less about the gifts than the opportunity to get together with your ladies, who sincerely want to wish you well. You could have a book shower or a favorite thing shower (everyone brings their favorite thing under $10 - the results are invariably weird and amazing) or an art supply shower or a recipe shower or an advice shower or a tool shower or a whatever shower. Just give people some guidelines so they don't feel douchey showing up with a duplicate gift.
It seems as though you feel so strongly against eating utensils that you're willing to make your bride give up one of the wedding elements she has always really looked forward to- the cake. Hmmm, so, I want to know more about the no forks/no tables thing.........like, are you only serving finger-food? No entree, right? Hopefully you're providing really great napkins. ;) I really want to see photos of this wedding, sounds like a party that'd be easy to get shit-faced at!
ReplyDeleteAs far as the shower goes, why don't you just tell the folks organizing it that you don't want any gifts? My fiance and I had a couple showers (one thrown by family, and one by friends) and we DID have a registry for the family shower because our families explicitly told us they wanted to get us gifts, so we obliged. :) But we told our friends not to get us gifts for the shower they threw us (their gift was the party itself, and the time they all took to be there) and it all worked out super nice!!
I am confused. How do you eat without setting down your drink, fork or no fork? What is wrong with a good fork, anyway?
ReplyDeleteWow, I missed the whole thing about it being on a boat, so now my comment sounds dumb. Your wedding sounds awesome. And your cake should have Dramamaine frosting, probs.
ReplyDeleteAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAA DRAMAMINE FROSTING!!
ReplyDeleteAmazing.
I don't get the fork/no fork thing. With a drink in one hand and the food on a napkin/little plate in the other, what are guests supposed to do to avoid needing to set their drink down anyway? Suck the finger foods off the plate with their mouths?
ReplyDeleteWhat What Possesssed Me said. I mean, is it even possible to say it better?
ReplyDeleteFor the record, I did not like my shower. So there you go, it can happen. Also for the record, I don't give cash gifts, I'm old fashioned like that. (Well, usually, there are a few people I might break that rule for.) Anyway, there are more people like me than you'd expect. So. You might end up with some bizzare presents, which you should know in advance.
Or forks. Word might get out, and you might get a lot of forks.
Oh! I did have a book shower. I LOVED that. You always need more books. The end.
ReplyDeletewaaiiit a minute- there's such a thing as a book shower? Like, everyone gives you a book? Seriously? That is teh BEST THING EVER.
ReplyDeleteRoisindubh - We made it up. And yes. I registered on Amazon (though you wouldn't have to), and one of my friends who's an editor gave me piles of free books too.
ReplyDeleteESB - I failed to mention that this is my fav Dear ESB ever. It's deeply bizzare and I love that.
At my wedding we paid for the cake ourselves along with the decorations. We paid a good amount of money for it and we never even cut it because we ended up dancing the whole night that and completely forgot. The only person who even acknowledged that we didn't cut and serve it was my husband's grandma. It sat on display all night and now a tier is in my freezer that I need to throw away, but for some reason haven't cause I think we are going to eat it. (I mean what do I really think? I will let it defrost and serve it at a dinner party, NO. It's crazy, I know, but I can't throw it away.) Screw cakes.
ReplyDeleteAs far as the shower part of the question goes it seems like you are wanting more of an engagement party. Maybe my bridal shower experience has been different, but most of the showers I've been to have been all about the sexy gifts--no registration needed.
ReplyDeletecut a baby cake and serve the guests whatever you want to serve them! really! they are lucky to get dessert at all. ha!
ReplyDeleteand if you don't want to register, dont have a shower. you cant ask for cash showers..too much weirdness. people will cash you up at the wedding anyhow.
I can't get past the word FORKLESS. Even without a fork, Aimee is right - you have to set your drink down to eat!
ReplyDelete@Meg - BOOK SHOWER! Why didn't I think of that??
THE WEDDING IS ON A SAILBOAT, YOU GUYS. THERE WILL BE NO FORKS. NO PLATES. NO TABLES. GET OVER IT. HAVE YOU NEVER BEEN TO A FUCKING GALLERY OPENING WITH PASSED HORS D'OEUVRES?
ReplyDeletei'm not sure what to say to all of this besides responding to his/her follow up of "skip the whole gift opening part of the shower"
ReplyDeletethat's what a shower is.
call it an engagement party or something.
showers are dreadful.
ReplyDeleteeclairs are divine.
i like the idea of forklessness. why not! it's simple. i like simplicity. why not buy a cake without cream so people can eat it without forks? a or several nice pound cake with or without glazing eg. see here: http://www.oncewed.com/9324/wedding-blog/real-weddings/zack-lauren-v/
ReplyDeleteJumping in late here to comment on both questions:
ReplyDelete1. I think you don't have to serve anything you don't want to serve, and certainly not cupcakes. At our wedding we served regularly sized pies (9"), individual tarts (3"?), meringues, and brownie ice cream sandwiches. All except for the big pies could be done forkless. In fact, when my husband and I got up to do the pie-cutting, there were neither serving utensils nor forks nearby, so we picked up one of the tarts and each took a bite of that. As far as I know, all guests preferred the desserts we offered to cake, and we ran out of everything. I do sort of think you should eat what the guests are having, too, because it will cut down on confusion. And also not seem like a tease?
2. Even as I know that weddings and associated events are for the people around who love the bride and groom as much or more as they are for the spouses-to-be themselves, I found registering for gifts really, really uncomfortable. AND I've been told that the registry my husband worked pretty darn hard on was found unacceptable by our more traditional guests. Guess they were going to be upset unless there were china, silver, and crystal to buy. And I also didn't have a shower, for both logistical and philosophical reasons, but here goes anyway:
a. have the party. call it something other than a shower. everyone will be able to rain down love on you, which is what they want...
b. but since the wedding registry is for cash, perhaps one of the other reasons they want to throw the shower is to also be able to give you a concrete token of their affection? can you ask the person you trust most who is organizing the shindig what they want out of it and believe the answer they give you? if it's 1) just to party for people who can't make it across the country for wedding, then note, "no gifts, please." if it's 2) to give you shit, then either throw themed small gift party or make a small registry.
and as everyone else has already mentioned, the party throwers WANT to do this for you. really truly.
My solution to forkless dessert is Cakeballs! They are little rolled balls of cake covered in hard chocolate and they taste like heaven, plus no utensils needed! Just pop 'em in your mouth. I love them so much but can't find them on the east coast, so we will be ordering and shipping them.
ReplyDelete@Anon - i was just going to recommend cake balls! And I know people who make them on the East Coast. Where you at? I can point you in the right direction if you're in NYC or New England. Hit me up madeline dot eisenhart at gmail dot com.
ReplyDelete