Dear ESB,
I'm having an intimate garden wedding next June and will have three bridesmaids. Two out of three of my maids don't shave their armpits. In college, this was a 'statement' they were making, but anymore, I'm not sure if it's a statement or if it's just laziness to shave and a new found attachment to their little mouse living in the pit of their arms. I'm a feminist and feel like women should make whatever choices they want about their bodies, but am from the rural Midwest and all of my family will think this is totally distracting during the wedding. They will definitely notice. I'm not sure what to do/say. Right now I'm just choosing to ignore the whole thing.
*****
My mom never shaved her armpits. She said it was "European." I thought it was motherfucking embarrassing. I used to say a silent prayer for her to wear sleeves on Parent/Teacher Night.
You can ask your maids to wear sleeves. But under no circumstances can you tell them to shave.
(Photo by David Vasiljevic via TOBACCO&LEATHER)
I don't know what it is, but for some reason this question was just what I needed this morning. Totally cheered me up because "intimate garden wedding" and "hairy armpits" are such a fun contrast.
ReplyDeleteBut yes, sleeves are your friend in this situation. Maybe awesome sparkly boleros?
YES, boleros! And lol @ the new "hairy armpits" tag. I would like to see how often that gets used. HAHAHA!
ReplyDeleteSleeves are always a friend (oh and probably deodorant or botox?)
ReplyDeleteOr how about a naked wedding? Then no-one would be worried about the hairiness?
i'm down with the bolero idea.
ReplyDeletei don't shave my pits, either ... mostly. but when i'm wearing formal / evening event attire, i have have the good sense to do so. maybe your friends will, too ? short sleaved cardigans, wraps, or boleros may be in order, though.
ReplyDeleteTHAT SAID, do you really think your maids are going to be WAVING THEIR ARMS IN THE AIR LIKE THEY JUST DON'T CARE during your intimate garden ceremony ? probably not.
i dunnooo, 17beats... maybe it like. PEAKS OUT of the side or something.
ReplyDeletebolero to the rescue!
(esb, please tell me you never make up these emails.)
You totally can't ask them to shave. In fact you shouldn't mention it to them at all. Make sleeves part of their outfit and you'll be good to go. Once the ceremony is over and they are no longer standing in front of everyone no one will notice/care if they go sleeveless during the reception.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the heads up ladies. She did not make up this e-mail, I'm choosing to remain anonymous....but I did not make it up either. Although the entire thing us quite funny. I throughout you ladies would be the best people to ask. Boleros are a good idea, but ironically they'd only work with the dresses of my haired pitted maids.(hello obvious) My shaving maid has a dress that would NOT work with a bolero or upper body covering. They are also going to be carrying lace parasols, so the likelihood of arms up is somewhat good. I'm not freaking out about it, but it is an interesting and delicate
ReplyDeleteBridge to cross. Any more ideas are welcome and encouraged!
If the boleros only work with some, then how about getting them boleros and getting the other ladies pashmina wraps? Then everyone will just understand it as a bridesmaid gift.
ReplyDeleteOmg, please let there be rampant hairy armpits with LACE PARASOLS. Please. For the public good.
ReplyDeleteOoo lace parasols means beautiful antique lace shawls? Perfection.
ReplyDeleteesb - love it that you made a new "hairy armpits" label... I can't wait to see more!
ReplyDeletei say bead and braid the pits.
ReplyDeletefilthy
ReplyDeleteI'm kind of put off with the fact that you think that hairy armpits = laziness. Clearly the older you are, you can no longer make statements, but are just plain lazy.
ReplyDeleteOr maybe it just doesn't matter? Being from the Midwest, I can say this: your family will get over this. And who cares if they can't? They are your friends, right?
I say, if they shave/wax their muff in the summer you should be able to ask them to shave their pits.
ReplyDeletei almost posted this photo when i first saw it on T&L, but it's so much better here.
ReplyDeletemuff.
ReplyDeleteMy god, that picture is too perfect. I can't stop giggling!
ReplyDeleteBlind Irish Pirates : I'm not saying that not shaving equals laziness. I'm saying that it used to be a statement they were making and it either a) still is or b) they are just too lazy to shave In my defense, I have several people in my life who declare armpit hair shaving as just taking too much time, and they are self titled 'lazy arm pit shavers'. I did not make this up. I don't think they necessarily go hand in hand. And no, I don't think age and statements have anything to do with one another.
ReplyDeleteAnd also, Blind Irish Pirates, I get the whole 'they will get over it thing' but they are also contributing a significant amount of money to the wedding, so my FI and I feel like they should be happy.
@Anon if you're really that worried about it, YOU HAVE GOT TO CUT THE MOTHERFUCKING PARASOLS.
ReplyDeleteSheesh.
MOTHERFUCKING PARASOLS !!!!
ReplyDeleteHah. I am plural, a horde of hairy, raving pirates. Yeargh.
ReplyDeleteThink of it this way: a family has a thing against big people. For the same reason that hair on women is unsightly to some, body fat is unsightly to this family. Unfortunately, your bridesmaids are proud and pudgy. Or maybe they are just "lazy" (self proclaimed or not, you never should say that, right? Right?). Does the bride make them lose weight? Require that they slim down to a dress size?
What about pregnant women? God knows pregnancy offends some people these days. Tattoos?
Either get over the parasols, like ESB said, or get over the hair. IMHO, there are bigger things to concern yourself with. I personally don't think you would be making that big a deal of it unless you thought it was weird, too. Otherwise, you could tell your family that a) the wedding isn't a magazine photo shoot and b) it's not that big of deal/weird to begin with.
Or, you could just ask them, anyway. Worse they could do was think you were being controlling.
I don't know if I have ever seen this much chatter about armpit hairs. But I think some sort of sleeves option is the best. You don't want your wedding to look like the Lillith Fair circa 1998.
ReplyDeleteThis is the best thread I've ever seen.
ReplyDeleteYou know, it's been a few days now since this post went up, but I've finally come to an important conclusion:
ReplyDeleteThere is nothing inherently offensive about armpit hair. Am I crazy here?
Like, if anyone I knew were to hold out on something because of ARMPIT HAIR, I think I'd disassociate myself quickly. I mean...c'mon.
Personally my pits just itch like a *mother* when I shave, so I am lazy with a cause. But I also just think it's silly that anyone would be offended by your attendants choice in personal grooming.
That being said, I also just think we should all be hairy. So. Much. Less. Work.
This is the freaking best one ever. I'm with 17 Beats - how will anyone know, since I assume "YMCA" won't be part of the program?
ReplyDeleteI bitterly resent shaving my pits, so I secretly admire women who have the balls not to.
And anyway, no amount of armpit muff is gonna upstage a bride.
I agree with Shannon Grant. Armpit hair is not inherently offensive.
ReplyDeleteHave you considered preparing your midwest benefactors so that they aren't surprised and distracted during the ceremony? If that doesn't work than my guess is that there are quite a few other things that aren't making them happy so a little armpit hair will be the tip of the iceberg.
Also, just as a general PSA, not all midwestern families are like this and I'm a little uncomfortable about perpetuating the bumpkin stereotype.
However, you sound balanced and comfortable. I'm sure it will turn out fine.
I'm all for causing outrage, especially to broaden people's perspectives, so I think hair, plus parasols, plus YMCA should do the job. GO HAIRY ARMPITS!!!
ReplyDeleteJulia Roberts did it!
All of our friends have tattoos. lots of em. And since I only have one, and knew that my mom would prefer me to have it covered up during the ceremony, I knew FOR SURE my attendants with tattoos would have been a problem for her too... but what I did, and feel like has helped a lot is this: in the last few months when any of my friends come up in conversation with my mom, i just get her used to the idea that our wedding party is going to be pretty nontraditional. like "oh yeah katie, remember shes the one with all of the arm tattoos?" she wont be surprised by all of the tattoos on display, because she knows already. hope that helps!
ReplyDeleteHaha. This is a conversation that dudes would never have and why we don't get involved with planning weddings.
ReplyDelete