Is this cold feet?

I've been to those weddings, albeit few, where I have watched the happy couple and thought, "Yes, forever."
I've been to those weddings where I've thought, "What ARE you doing??"
And I've been to those weddings where the groom has grinned and quipped, "I can always get divorced!"

My parents have been married for over thirty years, and to no one but each other.
My maternal grandparents were married for over fifty years.
My wedding is less than 2 months away.

And still....I don't know how you know.

I know he's been my best friend for the last five and a half years. But I also keep things from him. I have secrets. I hide some things.
I always said I'd rather be alone than settle. I have a few very good role models who prove women can be single and satisfied. That marriage isn't a necessity. Just something you should do if you are in love.

I used to be in love.
But all these people who talk about "OMG at LEAST you'll be MARRIED!" kind of freak me the f out.

Look, I grew up with a woman whose dream it was to own a bridal shop. I've been flipping through bridal magazines since I was old enough to be in picture books. I've been planning my wedding for just as long.

Two months. More like a month and a half.

We've been on and off. I left him once, in California, and went back to Chicago. And I felt so free. And then he followed me. He said, "There's no sunshine when she's gone." But the night before he arrived, I drank a bottle of wine and listened to the Yeah Yeah Yeah's Maps over and over again and cried.

He's a good man. A good man is hard to find. He loves me. He is my cheerleader. He's kind hearted and sweet and considerate.

What else could I possibly want?

Is this cold feet? What does cold feet feel like?

What does love feel like?

I ask because I admit that I'm not good at trusting/knowing myself. I've surprised myself quite a few times. I tend to have a terrible gut instinct, despite being a scorpio. I don't trust myself to make the right decision about love and marriage. I can tell you honestly, any decision I've made, I've made because I genuinely care about him and don't want to hurt him. And I realize that sometimes doing things to not hurt someone, in the long run does hurt them. But, c'mon, when you're in that position, how clear cut is it all?

*****

Lady, this isn't cold feet.

If you were having cold feet you'd give me a laundry list of all the things that are wrong with him. He slams the door in your face when he's losing an argument, he never does the dishes, he forgets to ask "How was your day?" Etc. You'd be trying to talk yourself out of marrying him.

But you're trying to talk yourself into it. You have nothing but good things to say about the guy, and you're asking me "What does love feel like?"

I know this is EXACTLY what you don't want to hear, but you'll know when it's love. You will. There's nothing wrong with your gut.

(Image via just because)