Dear ESB,
I'm hoping you and your readers can assist me:
I had dinner with a friend last night that I haven't seen in over a year, since well before I got engaged. We've talked over email occasionally, but our schedules have been crazed for some time, and life got in the way. The email conversations had even been very few and far between, but we FINALLY made some time, and after parting we vowed to make it more of a priority to see one another more frequently, as we realized just how much we missed one another's company.
Anyway, she and I went to grad school together. I didn't stay friends with very many of my grad school cohort. The only one I was close enough with to even consider inviting to my wedding, was her. However, we hadn't seen each other in months at the time I did the guest list, and hadn't even spoken much over email. Knowing this, I left her off the list, thinking that it was inappropriate given that our friendship had drifted so much. After dinner last night, I'm really really really regretting leaving her off of my list.
Thing is, the wedding is in 5 weeks. (5 weeks from today!) The bridal shower is tomorrow. The wedding is out of town (not far away, but still far enough that travel/hotel arrangements will be necessary). The wedding is also on a Friday, and she and her husband both work jobs where, if they had time to plan would probably have no issue, but given the short notice it will be difficult. Asking her at this point almost guarantees they won't be able to come, though had I included them on the original invite list, they would have had time to plan for it and may have been able to come. I'm not worried about my numbers. We're scaled to come in under our target based on what we wanted/were expecting, and we're WAY under capacity at the venue. If I were to invite them, and they came, this would be a blessing. However, I'm wondering how it will be perceived. I don't care about a gift. But, will she think, if I do it at this late date, I'm either just rubbing in their faces that they probably can't come, or putting undue pressure on her and her husband?
Do I write her a note, saying that I've really missed her, and I didn't realize how much until last night, and I really regret that I didn't include them in the initial invite, and extend an invitation? I would of course stress that there's no obligation whatsoever attached, other than if they are willing and able to come, I would love to have them? I know that if I got such a note, I wouldn't be offended in the least, and in fact if I was able to attend I would do so. I know some people WOULD be offended.
*****
Have at it. Srsly. I want to hear what you guys have to say.
(Photo by David Mushegain for Elle Italia via Fashion Copius)
Just invite her! BUT don't include a note. What's wrong with inviting someone to a wedding 5 weeks before the wedding? Only ppl planning weddings know when invites are supposed to be sent out.
ReplyDeleteInvite her! Don't worry about whether or not she can actually come. If I did that I wouldn't have invited half the people on my guest list. You want her there, so invite her. Period.
ReplyDeleteActually, I was going to say that sounds perfect! I recently got in touch with an old beloved friend and had the same feelings. I emailed her recently (about 4 weeks before the wedding), told her, she's going to try to make it, and I'm delighted. Although we hadn't seen each other in a loong time, which sounds a little different. Does this girl know that other people have gotten invites? If not, you totally might be able to get away with just sending one like Genevieve says. Also it depends if you have an RSVP by whenever date. But I really think that note sounds heartfelt and fine.
ReplyDeleteSend her a note saying how much you enjoyed catching up with her. Then, in a SEPARATE mailing, send her a wedding invitation.
ReplyDeleteThe wedding is till five weeks away. Just invite her. You'll regret it if you don't.
I invited someone on the Monday before my Saturday wedding. People are honored just to be nominated. Getting invited to weddings is AWESOME.. even if it's late!
ReplyDeleteInvite her, but don't include a note. If you do, it just points out that she's a late-invitee. Send just the invitation, and let her make her own plans. And don't invite her to anything but the wedding itself--first, she has insufficient notice. Second, grad students are po, and she shouldn't be made to feel that she needs to buy you more stuff.
ReplyDeleteAlso, if she brings it up, just be straight with her: "I've so enjoyed getting back in touch with you, and if you can make it, I'd love for you to be there."
But don't make her feel like the B list. It's way worse if you make a point of it.
If she's a good friend, she will not be offended if you're honest with her (i.e. "I know it's kind of last minute, but I'm so glad we've reconnected and would love to have you there..."). We had friends that G. had not seen in like, ten years, who happened to move into town two months before our wedding and we reconnected and they were awesome so we invited them last minute and of course they were cool with it; it's not like they weren't aware that we had only recently reconnected! Sometimes the internet and other bridal media makes it seem like everything related to the guestlist has to be super touchy--if you are friends with reasonable people, it doesn't have to be.
ReplyDeleteJust be honest with her. Tell her exactly what you told us. If she felt the same way after catching up at dinner as you obviously do she will understand exactly where you are coming from. In a note, an email, a phone call, what have you. I can't imagine anyone who would be offended by a friend's honest, heartfelt feelings. If they can't come I'm quite sure she will still be touched by your gesture.
ReplyDeleteAs to people saying not to send a note because then she will know she was a late invitee (or that only people who are planning weddings know when invites go out), if she has a husband she has planned a wedding and therefore knows that she is a late invitee. There is no way to hide that, and in your case there is no reason to try to hide it.
Good luck!
you wrote your own answer...
ReplyDelete"Do I write her a note, saying that I've really missed her, and I didn't realize how much until last night, and I really regret that I didn't include them in the initial invite, and extend an invitation? I would of course stress that there's no obligation whatsoever attached, other than if they are willing and able to come, I would love to have them? I know that if I got such a note, I wouldn't be offended in the least, and in fact if I was able to attend I would do so."
anybody who would be offended by such a kind gesture is obviously clueless. you could even skip the note, tell her all that stuff in person, and promptly send out the invitation. everyone appreciates honesty. it is, after all, the best policy.
Invite her! No note, if she and her SO come and you are up two....then you won't care 30 years down the road and you remember that she was there...even if you fall out of touch. She's a special person in your life and if you want her, invite her NOW. (later send an e-mail saying how glad you were to have finally connected b/c you were planning in inviting her but didn't want to have an invite show up on her door without the connection first..so it sure was good timing that you got to see eachother!)
ReplyDeleteyep, write her that note. Genuine honesty is best.
ReplyDeletecount me with the votes for the invite and note, which sound perfect. i also recommend enclosing a few stickers, for honestly: how could an invitee possibly be offended by a bride-to-be who sends her stickers?
ReplyDeletedefinitely invite her! i'd actually call her and say you really enjoyed hanging out and you'd like to mail her an invite (if you don't have an invite, then no need for that part but make sure to give her all the pertinent details and ask her to simply let you know one way or the other - with no hard feelings and ADMIT its a last minute add on). Be up front - she's appreciate the invite and the sincerity.
ReplyDeletePS - I actually did this very thing about 6 weeks ago for my wedding that was LAST WEEK!!!
Invite her! Send the invite TODAY, right this very second! Don't even think about inviting her to a shower. And don't include a note that would make it seem like she was an after-thought. She's a grown woman, let her decide if she can't make the trip... 5 weeks is a respectable time frame for an invitation.
ReplyDeleteI am getting married on the same day, and our invitations only went out a fortnight ago - invite her for goodness sake!
ReplyDeleteThanks all!
ReplyDeleteI actually can't "just invite her" sans note, because our respond-by date on the invites is August 17th (should have mentioned that - eeep!), so it would be SO obvious, hence why I wanted to include the note. I made the date so early, because 1. I expected I would need to hunt people down; and 2. I'm Type-A and want to have enough time to plan favor bags and favors and seating arrangements and the like. (Mostly 1.) :)
Actually, wait, scratch that. I'm off on Monday. I'll hand-deliver something to her office. :)
My man and I were in a very similar situation... longtime mutual friend, recently reconnected after years of no communication, feeling terribly guilty for not inviting in the first place, etc.
ReplyDeleteWe invited him a couple days ago... verbally. Met him for coffee, said pretty much Mouse suggests above: "We've really enjoyed getting back in touch with you. We know it's last minute, but if you're available, we'd love for you to come to our wedding next Friday. If you're seeing someone special, we'd love to meet them too."
We followed up with an email reiterating the invitation, including directions, etc. (No mention of where we're registered, natch.)
Our friend was thrilled to be asked. We didn't get the sense that he felt at all like a B-lister... just like an old friend happy to be reconnected. He'll be coming with his boyfriend. Yay!
(Hi, ESB! *waves* Most of Miss Manners' advice is about being mindful of other people's happiness and comfort, so I think -- I hope -- she would have approved of this spontaneous last-minute invite. Especially because there was no mention or expectation of gifts. Though I'm sure she would have preferred we'd sent a paper note instead of an email.)
Invite her. Tell her what you've told us.
ReplyDeleteThe benefit of being a bride is people will forgive you for some flightiness. Blame it on being busy or whatever and stress how much you want them to come. Apologize for the late notice.
If she knows you she should forgive you any hurt feelings she may have had.
If you regret not inviting her now you'll regret it even more later.
Sorry for the double post - good call on hand delivering the note to her office. That'll be sweet.
ReplyDeleteOf course you should invite her. I would include a note. At this point she knows you would have sent out invitations already.
ReplyDeleteJust tell her the truth or maybe try and see her to ask her?
You send her the invitation and you write her a note, but you in no way stress that there's no obligation to come as this invariably sounds a little like you are trying to talk the invitee in question out of accepting.
ReplyDeleteYou simply say 'I know that it's short notice but I would really love it if you could be there' and leave it at that. People *know* that they can turn down an invitation but being told that they can turn it down if they want to is always mildly insulting and if not insulting certainly dampens the pleasure of receiving the invitation.
So says Miss Manners.
I do not understand all the agonizing!
ReplyDeletenext time you're hanging out, hand her an invitation.
Peonies is right about not pushing the "you don't have to come" but say "I'd love it if you can make it". And add me to chorus of people who did this for our wedding - but it was my husband. About a month before the wedding, he ran into a friend on the street who hadn't made the cut because they hadn't seen each other in a while, and ended up getting drinks. And remembered how much he loves this dude. And called him to say basically what you are saying, and we followed with an invitation. Another friend was invited late in the game because he was a new friend (someone my husband didn't meet until a few months before the wedding). Both were thrilled, totally understood, and came and had a blast at our wedding.
ReplyDeleteStop agonizing! Just invite her!
ReplyDeleteAs the friend, I think I would be so over-the-moon flattered that a reunion with me had moved you so much...and in some ways would find this direct, personal invitation somewhat more meaningful than the mass-mailing everyone else got. In a way, you're telling her how special she is.
ReplyDeleteinvite her.
ReplyDeleteI like the idea of inviting her, and including the note. Being honest is the best policy in this case, in my opinion. If I were in her position, I wouldn't be offended, and would be both grateful to get the invitation, and happy that there was no pressure to attend considering the time constraint. When we had our wedding we realized at the VERY LAST MINUTE that we had actually forgotten to invite a good friend who was a former roommate of my husbands. He sent the friend a note saying that we were incredibly sorry, had absolutely not intended to leave him off, and if he could attend at short notice we would love nothing more than to have him at the wedding. Our friend was gracious, thanked us, and ended up coming and enjoying himself :)
ReplyDeleteMy husband and I totally had this same exact issue even at 6 weeks before our wedding. We were under our estimated numbers and had a few people we had originally left off the list but regretted it by the time the wedding approached. We explained to them how we felt and extended the invitation. Most of them were able to come and it was lovely to have them there. You'll regret it if you don't even extend the invitation. and if you explain it to your friend, she'll understand.
ReplyDeletedefinitely invite her and add the note. Honesty and genuine emotion win every time.
ReplyDeleteWe did this for a few people at our wedding and were so so surprised and delighted when they did decide to come.
And didn't you say she has a husband ... so she's been through the wedding thing ... so she'll understand .... (I always found wedded folk a bit more sympathetic about invite trauma!!)