My man is rubbish at giving presents!

Dear ESB,

My man is rubbish at giving presents! We just had an anniversary where I made two presents, surprises, mystery unwrapping with clues, a romantic date at the cinema, a gig out with friends and much other loveliness. And he got me nothing. I will add that he behaved very lovingly and romantically towards me and said lovely things - held my hand etc, but at the moment, present buying, organising or card making are too traumatic for him(!). This is making me feel very low. I have explained how I feel. Of course it's not the first time and last year there were epic disasters at my birthday. What I want are some creative solutions that work.

His birthday is in a few weeks and I already have a brilliant present for him (it's brilliant). And then it's my birthday and I can't stand any more heartache about this. I realise that my fantasy about being 'cherished like a princess' is perhaps unrealistic, but actually when we do celebrate he has a lot of fun too, and I love the innocence and joy of surprises - they are important to me.

Ok - any success stories/How to's out there?

*****

Some men are good at picking out presents and some of them aren't. Your man isn't.

If you demand a brilliant birthday full of lovely gifts and joyful surprises you're basically setting him up for failure.

Help him out. TELL HIM WHAT YOU WANT.

(Photo by Kristiina Wilson; Wig by Kate Cusack. Via ecouterre via NOTCOUTURE.)

Mr. & Mrs. Wool

Seven months ago I asked woolgathering & miscellany if she would send me wedding photos. Or, rather, I harassed her via formspring. Remember formspring?

Anyhoo, I received one image in January and one in March and (hurrah!) three more just this month. So. Without further ado...

Dear ESB,

Here's our wedding. Mind you this was over six years ago. We were young, dumb, and full of cum.

Our tattoo artist friend, Aaron Coleman, made our invitation. The original is a watercolor that's framed on our wall. This was also the invite and CD cover.

Our great friends Ean & Reba of Tales from the Birdbath wrote this song for us and flew from Seattle to play our wedding reception. We gave out CDs of the song as favors.

Another buddy, comedian Neil Hamburger, and a local band called Schlitzkrieg also performed. Neil threw a toaster at R on stage. My mom didn't get it.

Reception was held at Hollywood Alley. Anyone/everyone was welcome. Including the 5 drunken bachelorettes who showed up at the end of the night, blow up peen in tow. I must thank them, because this is the ONE photo I treasure most.

Photos are from friends/strangers who brought cameras.
Cake is from some crazy place that my mom liked.
Free kegs all night.
Air hockey in the back

I loved it because we just had so. much. fun.

Hope you enjoyed!
xoxo,
Gracie

Dear ESB: Do these shoes go with my dress?

I've been searching for shoes for my wedding in November. I'm not a bride-y bride and all my friends keep sending me generic, ivory satin wedding shoes I'll never wear again. I came across these Elizabeth & James shoes this week.

I love them but one of my bridesmaids says they don't go with my dress. I think they do... maybe I'm crazy. I'm really starting to get fed up with their opinions because they just have such different taste than me.

Sometimes I feel like shouting, "It's not your wedding!"

I really value your opinion because your taste is anything but generic. I've attached a photo of the shoes next to my dress - if you agree that it's just not a good match maybe you can point me in the right direction?

Noelle

*****

I hate to say it, but your bridesmaid is right.

The macrame lace-ups exude a kind of boho dork chic, while the dress is classically romantic. It's an odd juxtaposition.

I think you should go with a really gorgeous pair of classic black pumps. Has anyone seen a really gorgeous pair lately?

Can a marriage be happy without sex?

Dear East Side Bride

This is kind of weird because I don't know you and reaching out to someone I've never met IRL for advice is just plain crazy talk. But I am kind of desperate and you seem like someone who could give it to me straight... I need someone to give it to me straight right now.

I'm married. We hit the 3 year mark last week. The problem is that I am constantly disappointed by my husband. When I fell in love with my husband back in 2001 (!) he was energetic, idealistic, and passionate about many things. He had confidence like no other. I fell in love hard. The sex was good. We did it in cars, in the dorm, once in the bathroom of a hostel (horny twenty-year-olds don't really care about germs).

Over time he became reserved, socially awkward, and seemed to absorb my likes, dislikes etc. He seemed to lose his personality. Slowly, the sex disappeared. We had sex maybe 10 times a year during our mid-twenties. I always initiated and he always rejected.

When we got married things seemed to be good for the first year when his libido seemed to spike, but now, 3 years later, we have sex only once or twice a year. Sometimes he doesn't even finish. He always has excuses and blames his not wanting it on me. I always do something wrong; I pissed him off last week or this week; I said something mean yesterday; we have a "bad" relationship therefore how can I expect to have sex under such conditions. I feel like am being punished and worse I feel like I am begging my husband to make love to me. I don't want to come off as obnoxious but I think I am attractive and I take of myself. I think other men would love to have sex with me. Just not my husband.

On top of that I feel like a married a boy. He doesn't help in the housework, errands, cooking etc. I do all of the work around here. And he is inconsiderate.  For his thirtieth I took him to a Yankees game and set up a romantic BBQ on our roof garden. I even considered giving him a birthday BJ - but didn't even bother because he would say no. For my thirtieth birthday (2 weeks a go)  I got a coat from the gap... which he bought that day. I turned 30! for christs sake.

I know his behavior is largely due to his depression (he has been seeing someone for over a year and we have been in counseling for a year too). But it's been two years of this, When is enough enough? He always promises to have sex with me and then doesn't. I said he had to man-up and start pitching in on the housework etc. and he said fine but he wasn't going to be forced in to sex and he just didn't want to do it at this time. Maybe in the future. I love him and I see him as my soul mate. I want to spend my life with him but I wonder how important is sex in a marriage? I feel shallow for considering leaving him over not having sex. Its just I feel like a failed as a: wife, woman, and partner. Can a marriage be happy without sex? Have you seen eat pray love? I am as desperate as Julia Roberts is in the opening seen where she is praying to God. But I need real answers, ESB. What do you think?

I hope to hear from you soon- or hear from your readers- with love,

- Desperately seeking something

*****

Dear Desperately,

Enough is enough RIGHT NOW.

Obviously, sex is important to you. There's nothing wrong with that. (Sex is important to me!) But you're not leaving your husband because he won't fuck you. You're leaving him because he's an asshole. He doesn't do housework, he doesn't give a shit about your birthday, he is punishing you for his own unhappiness.

You're 30 now. When you wake up tomorrow you'll be 37... You only get one life. You know what I'm saying?

Love love love
ESB 

(Photo by Tom Beard for Vice Fashion via Vain and Vapid)

a magical, confetti-strewn, nyc heat-wave elopement

May 6, 2010 (4:17 AM) 

Dear ESB

We live in the UK and are eloping to New York in late June. We're staying with very good friends who have recently moved to Brooklyn and they'll be our witnesses, along with their 2 year old daughter. Because our friends have only lived there a short while and I have no other contacts in NYC I could really use some advice/help with a couple of things...firstly -

City Hall or Brooklyn Municipal Building? - which is nicer?

and then -

We'd like to head to a park for a picnic lunch afterwards - would anyone cater such a small (4.5 person) event?! and which parks are nicest? oh and! is it true you can't drink alcohol outside in the states? would it have to be a booze free picnic?

Any thoughts/ideas from you and/or your readers would be so gratefully received, if it was at home we could make it ourselves and then ask a friend to help out and set up/deliver the picnic but we don't have that option...please help.

Thank you x

*****

Aug 25, 2010 (1:51 PM)

shit. shittty shit shit.

I JUST SAW THIS EMAIL. I have a whole funky forwarding sitch and somehow this one fell through the cracks.

SHIT.

Will you send me an update? Photos? Something?? Do you hate me foreverz???

love,
me

***** 

Aug 25, 2010 (3:11 PM) 

haha. you don't know how happy you've made me.

an email asking me to talk about my wedding 2 months after the event, when every one else i know is bored shitless of hearing about it.

So we decided against the picnic in the end cos it was just getting too stressful and required so much planning and that was EXACTLY what we were trying to avoid. so, on 25 June we went to City Hall, got married, and kissed under confetti outside - tissue paper confetti - is this usual in the States? Our friends sat up the night before cutting up tissue paper as they hadn't been able to find any in NYC, here it comes in little horseshoe and bell shapes in pastel colours...anyway - then we went to Cafe Gitane in NoLita and shared a bottle of Champagne - took a few photos outside the New Museum - HELL YES! - then off to Vinegar Hill House in Brooklyn for an amazing meal and finally to The Jane Hotel - just the two of us.

It's a cliche, but it totally was a magical and wonderful day, I felt completely connected to and grounded in what we were engaged with that day - ie - committing to each other sincerely, and I know, for myself, I might have struggled to stay with that quite as profoundly if there had been lots of people and a lot of hassle leading up to it. Oh and wonderful Saipua made my bouquet and my dress was from Mr Larkin. My guy bought his whole outfit in Brooklyn the day before.

I'm glad we never did the picnic in the end, because we were in New York for the heat-wave and honestly, being outside was a bit torturous, so I reckon it was divine intervention you not getting my email when I sent it...

Thanks so much for getting in touch - oh and you might like my my blog, your blog was the ONLY wedding blog I looked at in the run up to our wedding : )

love,
ic

You are the bread and the knife

Litany

You are the bread and the knife,
the crystal goblet and the wine.
You are the dew on the morning grass
and the burning wheel of the sun.
You are the white apron of the baker,
and the marsh birds suddenly in flight.

However, you are not the wind in the orchard,
the plums on the counter,
or the house of cards.
And you are certainly not the pine-scented air.
There is just no way that you are the pine-scented air.

It is possible that you are the fish under the bridge,
maybe even the pigeon on the general's head,
but you are not even close
to being the field of cornflowers at dusk.

And a quick look in the mirror will show
that you are neither the boots in the corner
nor the boat asleep in its boathouse.

It might interest you to know,
speaking of the plentiful imagery of the world,
that I am the sound of rain on the roof.

I also happen to be the shooting star,
the evening paper blowing down an alley
and the basket of chestnuts on the kitchen table.

I am also the moon in the trees
and the blind woman's tea cup.
But don't worry, I'm not the bread and the knife.
You are still the bread and the knife.
You will always be the bread and the knife,
not to mention the crystal goblet and - somehow - the wine.

Billy Collins

I think this poem would make a great reading for a wedding ceremony. It has such a terrific, dry sense of humor and then BAM! The last bit just slays me.

If you happen to have a three-year-old on hand to recite it, so much the better.

(Image by Christina Richards Weddings; Words via even*cleveland)

FUCK YEAH, WEDDING BANDS

I mean, right?

Polly Wales via Daily Poetics

(With thanks to Pour Porter, who has become my unofficial jewelery scout.)

FUCK YES, RINGS

I especially like the middle one. I'd rock that in a heartbeat.

By Andy Lifschutz via Pour Porter.

(Just FYIZ, this post is coming to you live from a warehouse in South Central where I'm script supervising on a zombie movie. That is how strongly I feel about this jewelry.)

Blog of the Week(ish): THXTHXTHX

Leah posts a thank you note a day on THXTHXTHX, and I just spend the last hour scrolling all the way back through January.

You know when you land on someone's blog and you instantly get a weird crush-y feeling? Like you really really want to be friends with that person? And then you start to fantasize about how you actually might meet up someday because, I mean, you do live in the same city...

Yeah, that.

Via wit + delight

A bachelorette party on the big Island

Dear ESB-

My best friend of 17 years is getting married in Kona, HI in about two months. I am planning a shower for the day and then a girls' night later that same day. BUT having never been to Hawaii before, I am in need of some creative direction. 

Do you have any awesome readers in Hawaii who can weigh in? 

Many many thanks.

*****

I happen to know I've got a few readers in Honolulu. (Thanks, Google Analytics!) Do you ladies ever get over to Kona, or is it a complete tourist trap?

Maybe someone who has honeymooned there can recommend a good restaurant and a fun bar or two. (We do, however, want to avoid anything too honeymooney. My memory of Hawaii is that everything was honeymooney....)

______________________________

Photo from Turned Out. Thanks are due to Chelsea for reminding me that I kinda dig this blog, even if half the outfits only work because really hot girls are wearing them. I mean, what are your thoughts on this hiking-boots-for-summer ensemble?

Is this cold feet?

I've been to those weddings, albeit few, where I have watched the happy couple and thought, "Yes, forever."
I've been to those weddings where I've thought, "What ARE you doing??"
And I've been to those weddings where the groom has grinned and quipped, "I can always get divorced!"

My parents have been married for over thirty years, and to no one but each other.
My maternal grandparents were married for over fifty years.
My wedding is less than 2 months away.

And still....I don't know how you know.

I know he's been my best friend for the last five and a half years. But I also keep things from him. I have secrets. I hide some things.
I always said I'd rather be alone than settle. I have a few very good role models who prove women can be single and satisfied. That marriage isn't a necessity. Just something you should do if you are in love.

I used to be in love.
But all these people who talk about "OMG at LEAST you'll be MARRIED!" kind of freak me the f out.

Look, I grew up with a woman whose dream it was to own a bridal shop. I've been flipping through bridal magazines since I was old enough to be in picture books. I've been planning my wedding for just as long.

Two months. More like a month and a half.

We've been on and off. I left him once, in California, and went back to Chicago. And I felt so free. And then he followed me. He said, "There's no sunshine when she's gone." But the night before he arrived, I drank a bottle of wine and listened to the Yeah Yeah Yeah's Maps over and over again and cried.

He's a good man. A good man is hard to find. He loves me. He is my cheerleader. He's kind hearted and sweet and considerate.

What else could I possibly want?

Is this cold feet? What does cold feet feel like?

What does love feel like?

I ask because I admit that I'm not good at trusting/knowing myself. I've surprised myself quite a few times. I tend to have a terrible gut instinct, despite being a scorpio. I don't trust myself to make the right decision about love and marriage. I can tell you honestly, any decision I've made, I've made because I genuinely care about him and don't want to hurt him. And I realize that sometimes doing things to not hurt someone, in the long run does hurt them. But, c'mon, when you're in that position, how clear cut is it all?

*****

Lady, this isn't cold feet.

If you were having cold feet you'd give me a laundry list of all the things that are wrong with him. He slams the door in your face when he's losing an argument, he never does the dishes, he forgets to ask "How was your day?" Etc. You'd be trying to talk yourself out of marrying him.

But you're trying to talk yourself into it. You have nothing but good things to say about the guy, and you're asking me "What does love feel like?"

I know this is EXACTLY what you don't want to hear, but you'll know when it's love. You will. There's nothing wrong with your gut.

(Image via just because)

All right Miss Manners fans: HAVE AT IT

Dear ESB,

I'm hoping you and your readers can assist me: 

I had dinner with a friend last night that I haven't seen in over a year, since well before I got engaged.  We've talked over email occasionally, but our schedules have been crazed for some time, and life got in the way.  The email conversations had even been very few and far between, but we FINALLY made some time, and after parting we vowed to make it more of a priority to see one another more frequently, as we realized just how much we missed one another's company.

Anyway, she and I went to grad school together.  I didn't stay friends with very many of my grad school cohort.  The only one I was close enough with to even consider inviting to my wedding, was her.  However, we hadn't seen each other in months at the time I did the guest list, and hadn't even spoken much over email.  Knowing this, I left her off the list, thinking that it was inappropriate given that our friendship had drifted so much.  After dinner last night, I'm really really really regretting leaving her off of my list.

Thing is, the wedding is in 5 weeks.  (5 weeks from today!)  The bridal shower is tomorrow.  The wedding is out of town (not far away, but still far enough that travel/hotel arrangements will be necessary).  The wedding is also on a Friday, and she and her husband both work jobs where, if they had time to plan would probably have no issue, but given the short notice it will be difficult.  Asking her at this point almost guarantees they won't be able to come, though had I included them on the original invite list, they would have had time to plan for it and may have been able to come.  I'm not worried about my numbers.  We're scaled to come in under our target based on what we wanted/were expecting, and we're WAY under capacity at the venue.  If I were to invite them, and they came, this would be a blessing.  However, I'm wondering how it will be perceived. I don't care about a gift.  But, will she think, if I do it at this late date, I'm either just rubbing in their faces that they probably can't come, or putting undue pressure on her and her husband?

Do I write her a note, saying that I've really missed her, and I didn't realize how much until last night, and I really regret that I didn't include them in the initial invite, and extend an invitation?  I would of course stress that there's no obligation whatsoever attached, other than if they are willing and able to come, I would love to have them?  I know that if I got such a note, I wouldn't be offended in the least, and in fact if I was able to attend I would do so.  I know some people WOULD be offended.

*****

Have at it. Srsly. I want to hear what you guys have to say.

(Photo by David Mushegain for Elle Italia via Fashion Copius)

I heart Martha

Just so we're clear.

90% of the super rad DIY wedding ideas you found on some indie wedding blog originally came from Martha Stewart. You know that, right?

I mean, who do you think brought the goddamn mason jar out of the realm of moonshine and into the realm of the "signature cocktail"?

In other words: DON'T EVER QUOTE MISS MANNERS AT ME AGAIN. THX.

on engagement party etiquette and telling Bridezilla to STFU

Dear ESB,

One of my best girlfriends got roped into being a bridesmaid for a "friend" of ours from college. Let's be honest - they aren't that great of friends, but what could she do? Anyways Bridezilla is the definition of tactless. The wedding is 15 months away - and they've already been engaged for the last 6 months. so a 21 month engagement, yet they act as if the wedding is next month - meaning endless facebook updates, tweets, and TWO blogs outlining every detail of the whole affair - down to the budget. Mind you these two are only 23 yrs old, fresh out of college, and have no reason to rush down the aisle besides wanting to be the first to do so. They already live together, so it's not a religious or family issue.

Anyways, despite already having 2 engagement parties planned she wants the bridesmaids to throw a third engagement party in NYC - where we all went to college. However, the couple isn't inviting any college friends to the wedding due to their meager budget, yet they want them at this engagement party. How can my friend, the bridesmaid, tell Bridezilla that 1) it isn't appropriate to invite friends to the engagement party and leave them off the wedding guest list and 2) to stop with the online on-slaught of personal info regarding the wedding?

I'd love to just tell her to just STFU but it's not really my place. Am I the only person who cares about etiquette anymore?

FedUpinNYC

*****

Dear FUNYC,

You're not the only person who cares about etiquette. But you need to join the 21st century.

According to Martha Stewart, the traditional rules of etiquette, which used to dictate that all the guests invited to the engagement party be invited to the wedding, no longer apply. Martha says "because so many people have very small weddings or hold their ceremonies far from friends and sometimes even from family, the engagement party often includes people who may not be invited to the eventual wedding."

Stop hating on the poor couple because they have a tiny budget! By throwing this third engagement party, they're actually trying to include their friends who aren't invited to the wedding. (Though I do think it's tacky to ask the bridesmaids to throw the party. Why doesn't Bridezilla throw her own damn third engagement party?)

Which brings me to: The Online Onslaught. Is it really your friend the bridesmaid who is so bothered by the barrage of information, or is it you?

Why don't you just unfollow Bridezilla on Twitter? (I do it ALL. THE. TIME.) And "unfriend" her, or whatever the Facebook lingo is. Nobody is forcing you to read her updates.

(Photo by Andrea Spotorno for Ten Magazine via Vain and Vapid)

My maids don't shave their armpits

Dear ESB,

I'm having an intimate garden wedding next June and will have three bridesmaids. Two out of three of my maids don't shave their armpits. In college, this was a 'statement' they were making, but anymore, I'm not sure if it's a statement or if it's just laziness to shave and a new found attachment to their little mouse living in the pit of their arms. I'm a feminist and feel like women should make whatever choices they want about their bodies, but am from the rural Midwest and all of my family will think this is totally distracting during the wedding. They will definitely notice. I'm not sure what to do/say. Right now I'm just choosing to ignore the whole thing.

*****

My mom never shaved her armpits. She said it was "European." I thought it was motherfucking embarrassing. I used to say a silent prayer for her to wear sleeves on Parent/Teacher Night.

You can ask your maids to wear sleeves. But under no circumstances can you tell them to shave.

(Photo by David Vasiljevic via TOBACCO&LEATHER)

If you want to get married in Joshua Tree....

(Or even if you're just planning a vacation....)

Go directly to the Desert Fete approved Joshua Tree wedding resource list.

Lady knows what she's talking about.

p.s. I can add one more resource. H and I spent three nights at the Quail Mountain House last fall, and I NEVER WANTED TO LEAVE.

(Polis by Michelle Pullman)

The wedding night....

 

Hi ESB,

It's "Heather," who couldn't decide on my wedding location.  UPDATE: We did end up renting an estate in Monterey County overlooking the Pacific Ocean and you pass a farm with donkeys.  :D

ANYWAY!  This time around I am just asking for some reassurance from you and all the amazing ESB readers.

Long story short, my immediate family and bridesmaids will be staying at the property my fiance and I rented out for our wedding ON the night of our wedding and to be quite honest, my fiance and I have no problem with this.  ESPECIALLY because my birthday is the day after our wedding and we're having a birthday brunch/"thank you for coming to our wedding!" brunch and we already know we're going to need lots of help cooking, picking up the cake, picking up necessities at the grocery store, etc. after an OBVIOUSLY very long night.

Is it wrong for me to roll my eyes when people say, "WHY DON'T YOU JUST KICK THEM OUT?!  IT'S YOUR WEDDING NIGHT!"

Yes, I realize you only get married once, but what people keep forgetting is my fiance and I
1) don't care
2) want them there for help the next day
3) have the property to ourselves for the whole week after the wedding and we can hump anywhere in the house the whole week after, and in life in general?!?!?!?!

So tell me, am I wrong for rolling my eyes?

Lurve,
Heather

*****

Roll away.

(Polaroid by Raymond Molinar)

Where can a cool kid from Minnesota find a suit?

Dear ESB,

We're 7 weeks away from the wedding, and my dearest darling fiance doesn't have his outfit picked out yet. He hasn't figured out what the groomsmen will be wearing either, and they're starting to bug him about it (we are fortunate enough to have five very-on-top-of-it-groomsmen who actually want to be prepared, and not naked, at our wedding!)

Ideally, he wants to wear a three piece Donegal wool/tweed suit, or a coat-vest-pants combo that are (classily) mismatched (this Billy Reid suit, on the left, is a perfect example). And we'd like the groomsmen to wear a pants-vest combo but no jacket. Taupe or gray preferred. But... We live in a small Minnesota town (Duluth) and don't have the luxury of shopping at awesome vintage shops or boutiques. We have been scouring Google, to no avail.

Do you have anything up your sleeve?

Love,
Naked in Duluth

***** 

NID,

I emailed my lady Kat from Pierrepont Hicks and she asked her style guru Samuel Fehrenbach, the proprietor of Martin Patrick3, a men's accessories shop in Minneapolis.

Here's what Sam had to say:

Well, I can’t speak for Duluth, but Heimie’s Haberdashery in St. Paul is for sure the best bet in the Twin Cities - and they do all their tailoring in house, which is convenient for wedding things, I’m sure. Otherwise Twill out in Edina Galleria may be a good bet as well. They’ve got kind of a tweedy Hickey Freeman vibe (but they also sell Vineyard Vines ties – which is totally the opposite). I think both shops do custom, though seven weeks is pressing your luck in that regard. You might have some luck at Judd Frost in Wayzata, but I’ve never actually been there, so I can’t give you a full endorsement. Wish I could give you a little more to go on, but unfortunately in Minnesota suits for cool kids can be tough to find.

Side note, I don’t think I’d call Duluth a small town, but that must just mean that I’m really really from the Midwest.

When I was linking over to Hickey Freeman just now (thank you Sam!) I noticed that this tan plaid suit is 50% off. It's lighter weight than what you're looking for, but how cold will it be in Duluth at the end of September?

I'm asking. I have no idea what the weather is like in Duluth. 

xoxo,

ESB 

(Image courtesy of Kanye New Yorker Tweets.  I trust you have all been following Kanye on Twitter?)

now here's a prop I can get behind....

 Diamond light bulb by Eric Therner.

(Via F/F)

enough already with the HEART-SHAPED PROPS

Just a little rant...

When in god's name will the trend of using stupid props in wedding pictures die?! I feel like your wedding or engagement pictures should be a reflection of who you are as a couple, and not a reflection of the photographer's collection of pinwheels/vintage tea cups/old globes/etc.

While i am happy that more creative brides, grooms and photographers are stepping out into the bright lights of the blogosphere, I swear to baby jeebus I'm going to scream if i see any more couples pretending to enjoy a tiny cake or handful of heart shaped pebbles.

Xo
Lanie

*****

I have to say I couldn't agree more.

It used to be that too many photo shoots were being passed off as weddings. But my problem lately is that a lot of weddings are starting to like photo shoots.

(Cats, however, that voluntarily pose with amps and guitars... Awesomesauce!)

why hello you lacy little dress

With the EXPOSED ZIPPER.

I do believe you would look mighty fine with that pouf of a veil I've got my eye on.

Not that I'm shopping for dresses. Or veils. But I've got ladies to look out for, you understand.

I think I need a ferret

This is Captain Ferry, who has temporarily taken up residence with THIS IS NAIVE.

I plan to name my ferret Trotter.

Trotter was H's grandmother's maiden name. The perfect name for a hipster kid, no? But since we're not planning on having one, why let it go to waste?