Dear ESB: I wish I had a Wedding Time Machine.

If I had a WTM, I would go back in time, and decidedly NOT ask my future sister-in-law to be my matron of honor, and I would NOT ask my future niece to be my flower girl. Then, we'd only have deal with bullshit from one member of the bridal party, my future brother-in-law, whom I know my fiance would still ask to be in the wedding, even if he had a WTM, because asshole or not, my future brother-in-law is still my fiance's only brother in the world, and even though he's being a jerk, his presence matters to my fiance.

If I had this magical WTM, I'd have had the wedding a year ago in Chicago, when we still lived there, instead of choosing to have it at my parents house in Ohio, because maybe then my parents wouldn't feel obligated to pay for the accommodations of my fiance's irresponsible parents, and equally irresponsible brother and sister-in-law.

Alternatively, I'd have used it to just go back a month ago, when his brother and sister-in-law sat us down and said they weren't sure they could even come to the wedding now, which is less than two months away, let alone be in it--and instead of offering to pay for their dress and tux, I'd have said, "That's ok; I understand." And then I wouldn't have to worry about it at all.

I'd definitely go back to three weeks ago, when I received a random email; a flight itinerary forwarded to me, no explanation, saying the best man and groom's parents weren't arriving until midnight the night before the wedding. And instead of being upset that the best man was missing the wedding rehearsal, and being pissed off at his parents for choosing THIS charming way of letting us know that my parents would need to pay for the rehearsal dinner, and getting them to switch it so they could all come in on time, I'd have realized the universe was doing me a favor, and let it all go.

Or maybe I'd just go back to April, when we moved to this wretched place. Instead of deciding we should get married in September, I'd opt to wait another year and start my planning early, so I could realize that deep down, I actually did want green and black as my colors, and not what we've chosen, that I didn't want my future sister-in-law and her daughter in the wedding, that my parents would take on a big burden, and his would let us down monumentally. Oh, and that I like peonies better than calla lillies, which are in season in the spring and not fall.

I would definitely go back and reconsider asking my parents to host the wedding at all, taking into consideration the fact that I have known them for 31 years now, and therefore should have known that nothing is ever easy with them; and then they wouldn't be spending all of this money to landscape and improve the property and house that I thought was just beautiful as it already was.

Actually, maybe we should have just eloped, and let my folks have a party for us back at home for our local friends and family like they originally suggested, and then we could have had a party here, in this wretched place, but at least gotten to use my grandmother's silver rimmed punch bowl, and my great grandmother's green cake stand.

F*ing hindsight. F*ing lack of a WTM.

Thanks. And let me know if you see a time machine on etsy.

*****

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh lady.

The good news is, very soon you will be MARRIED. And that's the only thing that really matters.

(Photo by Jason Bright via Fecal Face via TOBACCO&LEATHER)