dear ESB -
i wanted to get your advice on an...issue i'm having. i'm afraid that i'm being completely psychotic (not what i'm going for) and possibly hurting a very good friend's feelings.
said friend is one of my bridesmaids (let's call her K), and we're extremely close. she started dating someone MUCH younger who is a complete and total fucking moron. i've never seen the teenager (yes, teenager) not drunk/trying to get drunk/stealing someone's alcohol/smoking pot/trying to get everyone around him to smoke pot. besides this, he's a total dick - i've tried (as well as the rest of our girlfriends) to be nice to him, always say hello, etc. etc. and he stares at us like we have 3 heads and walks away. he's never remotely social or polite, usually screaming and being really loud and obnoxious. he's, in general, a slob. not only this, but above all, he's a complete ass to her. he's very possessive, jealous, manipulative, you get the point (reading her texts/messages, listening in on her conversations). K and I are in a very tight knit group of friends, and all of us have told her that we think she's much better off without him, but nothing seems to get through to her.
before they started dating, i told K that she was more than welcome to bring a date to the wedding. now, my fiance and i are extremely nervous about having the guy there. i've brought it up with her once before, but she kind of laughed it off, saying that "he can act like an adult when he wants to". my family, while fun and easy to be around, are not going to appreciate a drunk fool screaming during the reception (or smoking pot). i asked the same group of friends if they think i'm being ridiculous because i REALLY don't want to hurt her feelings - and all of them agreed that i'm not being nuts. they basically said that the fact that i have to worry about this is enough reason to make sure he doesn't come. they've offered to ask him to leave if he does get too rowdy, but i don't even want it to get to that point. i'm afraid that i'll be on edge and worried the entire day about what he'll do.
i just want to get someone's opinion from the outside looking in. i really care about K a lot, and we're like sisters. the last thing i want to do is hurt her feelings, but i also don't want to have to deal with this moron.
*****
Um, yeah. This is different from yesterday's dilemma.
As long as you're prepared to lose a bridesmaid (and I think the peace of mind will be worth it), tell K that Mr. Conspicuous Pot-Smoker is not invited to the wedding.
(Another Pixie Geldof photo by Alasdair McClellan for British Vogue via Refinery29)
no pot? no drunk fools? what kind of party are you planning on having?
ReplyDeletehahaha just SAYIN
whoa, so much of this story is confusing to me. how old is k? she must be quite young herself to allow a teenage boy to MANIPULATE her. have you seen teenage boys these days?? they all look, act and sound like justin bieber. AND i'm pretty sure my 3 year old niece could kick justin bieber's ass...
ReplyDeleteanyway, that's not the point. the point is you have to tell your friend that in no way is he welcome to your wedding and that SHE has to get a clue. Yeah it will probably hurt her feelings, but sometimes friends have to tell eachother what's up. it's not like she's dating some guy that's so awesome for her that you just don't happen to like. THAT, you would have to leave alone. being as you are such close friends, i'm sure she values your opinion and it might help her see that little bieber-man has got to go.
I'd talk to her and see if she can take on responsibility of making sure he acts like an adult. Her reaction to that might say a lot - as in, if she thinks that'd be too much work then that is a big clue this dude isn't very capable of being an adult.
ReplyDeleteNot sure what I'd decide, but really sitting down and talking with K is the first step.
Good luck!
let's clarify, though: if we're actually talking about justin bieber, he should be allowed to come to the wedding.
ReplyDeleteholy shit, Lauren. I just spit coffee out on my desk from a particularly hearty and unexpected LOL.
ReplyDeletedon't let him come.
ReplyDeleteshe'll be pissed.
oh well.
well, obviously.
ReplyDeleteAgreed with ESB. No way.
ReplyDeleteI was the MOH in a destination wedding where another bridesmaid brought her new teenage (ok, maybe he was 20) boyfriend who had never been to a wedding before. He wore an untucked Hawaiian shirt with khakis and sneakers, requested really bad songs so he could BREAK DANCE to them, and commented loudly on how weird the food was during dinner. It was kind of funny, and we still talk about him, but I'm sure we could come up with better things to remember about that wedding if Bob the boyfriend hadn't been there.
ReplyDeleteAlthough it was pretty funny when the groom's youngest brother, a professional break dancer, put the smack down on the dance floor.
I think an honest conversation (that sounds a lot like what was actually written) about how much you value her friendship, but that you are concerned you will be preoccupied with his behavior is a good place to start. There should be a way to keep her as a friend (and bridesmaid) and still uninvite The Bieber.
ReplyDeleteTHE BIEBER
ReplyDeletei wish it was the bieber. not even kidding. this kid is a hot-topic punk, complete with drug rug.
ReplyDelete@Anon I just had to google "drug rug," and all I have to say is those were rly cool in 1988, mkay?
ReplyDeleteQuick solution: call in anonymously and have her arrested for statutory rape. BAM. Just make sure you time it so she is out on parole by the wedding date.
ReplyDeleteI dunno. Part of being friends is putting up with shitty boyfriends for a short while. This sounds like a problem that needs to be tackled with time and tact and patience, probably after the wedding when you've got more of all of those on your hands.
ReplyDeleteAlso, this sounds like such manipulative sh*t is going on with these two that if you tell her she can't bring him, SHE may not come at all.
I say go with the bridesmaids as bouncers should things even start to get ugly, and prepare for a big talk post-wedding.
@anon @esb i just googled it too. maybe it's just the southern california (or the mexican) girl in me... but i thought those were STILL cool.
ReplyDeletei'm actually getting to the point where i may just give the bartender (we're having an open bar) a heads up not to serve him because he's underage. i know that's a shitty move, but at least it will help? that is, if K doesn't sneak him booze.
ReplyDeleteI am going to be a dissenter here, but I kind of think you should not take him off the guest list. Your friendship with this lady sounds like it is pretty special to you and as important as a wedding is, it is NOT more important than a good friend. And ESB is right that by disinviting him you risk losing her presence at the wedding. I would let her know (gently, directly, and not repeatedly) that you are not just not keen on him, but it is causing you actual anxiety anticipating how he will be at the wedding and it would go a long way toward reducing this anxiety if he could be convinced to show you in your normal social situations that he is, as she claims, capable of acting like an adult since you just honestly have never seen it. Maybe you can go for a civilized adult double-date dinner. Also, definitely let your other friends bounce him out if he is sucking, and tell the bartender not to serve him. And maybe she'll break up with him before the wedding anyway.
ReplyDelete@FM that's what i'm worried about - it's not worth saying anything (again) about it to her if she doesn't show up. she's been amazing and the last thing i want to do is make her feel like i'm not thankful.
ReplyDeletei've tried the whole get-to-know-him route. i actually did ask them to get dinner with my man and i, and she refused because she "didn't want it to feel like a date". i've seen him maybe 10 or so times the 6 months that they've been dating in a variety of social situations (some relatively formal) and he's been a mess every time (ripped jeans/unshowered/standing at the appetizers shoving food in his face). when we talked the first time, i mentioned the attire thing, and she laughed it off. i know she said he can act like an adult when he wants, but he controls their whole relationship, so i'm not expecting much there.
bleh. i feel like i'm beating a dead horse bringing it up again with her. i wouldn't even know how to go about starting that conversation. the wedding is pretty soon, and i need to do it soon.
I just want you all to know two things:
ReplyDeletea) I am cracking up in the waiting room at my gynocologists office from reading these comments. everyone thinks I am a nutter.
b) this is the second time today that the beiber has come up
don't let the d bag come to your wedding. you don't need a scene.
Def. tell the bartender not to serve him. She'll still sneak him drinks, but it'll probably alert him to the fact that he needs to at least ACT not wasted.
ReplyDeletealso...i too had to google drug rug and wikipedia has it categorized at "mexican clothing". I love the idea of a 15 year old hot topic punk dressed in "mexican clothing". it tickles me.
Between Rachel's comment and the Bieber comments, I can't stop laughing.
ReplyDeleteBut really, no. Don't let him go to the wedding.
try 1978, for us old farts....
ReplyDeletewho still refer to them as mazatlan sweatshirts.
WOW. drug rugs. beiber. craziness.
ReplyDeletePut big X's on his hands and make the beebs drink chocolate milk all night.
just kidding...
my honest advice? talk to K honestly and openly. let her know you're concerned about his behavior. see where it goes from there. charge someone to keep an eye on the beebs and if he steps out of line, pull the drug rug over his head and kick him out Fred Flintstone style.
If you do decide to let K and the heinous teenager come, this may come in handy:
ReplyDeletehttp://theoatmeal.com/quiz/justin_bieber
anon, k may hate you right now.
ReplyDeletebut whenever i was with shitty guys, i always (in retrospect, after coming back to reality) really respected and trusted my friends for being straight with me about the d-bags.
My best friend dated the boyfriendfromhell for two entire years. I told what I thought of him, and often, we fought constantly. until she realised that hey, maybe her friends were right.
ReplyDeleteAnd.... four years later, she is still my best friend, and he is off somewhere probably ruining some other poor girls life.
My point is, she is like a sister to you, she will probably (definitely) be pissed, but in the end she does know you have her best interests at heart. and she will remember that at some point. bros before hoes and all that jazz.
Also, it is YOUR wedding. I'm sure brides have asked a lot more of their 'maid than "can you please not bring you doucheyboyfriendwhonoonelikes to my wedding? k thanks."
I was going to suggest alerting the bartender. Also, do you have any "bouncer-type" friends (or people who work at the venue - even better!) who can police his shenanigans?
ReplyDeleteKeep him on a tight leash, because you know she won't.
I have two cops AND a judge coming to my wedding, so I would use them, if I was in your shoes, to cut it off at the knees.
Oooh, you can also mention that your venue is strict on serving those underage (even if it is really you being strict), and he may not enjoy himself. :)
ReplyDeleteI would have to suggest *this card* http://arcadianyc.com/product.php?productid=18439&cat=1225&page=2, with an oops-it-hasn't-happened-yet message inside... try going for humour. Failing that, sit him on the kids' table, if you have one (and if you aren't, there's another excuse!).
ReplyDelete