But I am also not the wage-earner at present. Even though H-town insists it's my job to focus on creative projects, I feel incredibly guilty about spending the whole day sitting in front of my computer without the immediate promise of a paycheck. Or going out into the field without the immediate promise of a paycheck. (Okay, I feel less guilty about that.)
So I tell myself I ought to take on more of the shopping and cooking and cleaning. The, um, housework? I think they call it.
Some days I get satisfaction out of this. I manage to go to the farmer's market and Trader Joe's.* I (gasp) wash dishes. I feel all wifey and proud of myself.
And some days I feel resentful of the burden I've taken on. I let the dishes pile up.** I warm up chicken taquitos (if I find them in the back of the freezer), which aren't really enough dinner, and we end up hitting the 7-11 for potato chips and ice cream at one am because there's nothing left in the fridge.
There's got to be a happy medium right? I definitely haven't found it. And the bungalow is so small that one day's clutter = a complete mess.
(Image via Hollister Hovey)
*Yeah, Whole Foods has been relegated to specialty items. Still sad about that.
**Note: the idea that I personally have "let the dishes pile up" is all in my head. H-town certainly does not expect me to do more than my share of the housework. In fact, he believes he's a superior dishwasher.
I'm not sure that I believe in the balance idea, I think, frankly, most of the time it's more of an ebb and flow. Sometimes I'm a complete disaster in terms of the housework, on other occasions I'm a neurotic freak, it sort-of (?) evens out in the end.
ReplyDeleteYour guilt/neurosis make me happy.
ReplyDeleteWe all have a difficult time falling into roles and titles. Just be a zexy lil wife while u heat up those taquitos. No one wants to come home to a frumpster.
ps,H-town sounds like a dream man.
word.
ReplyDeleteI hear you. I have felt the same way the past few years ... thoroughly my own doing since the Big Guy is totally a team player but the neurosis just kind of creeps into the back of your head and sets up camp every now and then ... ain't much you can do about it except vent it out and keep it moving.
ReplyDeleteugh.. i struggle with this ever day.. today im off and rather than being productive im in boyfriends underwear re reading twilight.. oh and did i mention eating pancakes for lunch..
ReplyDeletei have to admit bf is a better housewife than me.. i break too many dishes and i hate swiffering dog hair.. so im okay with that.. for now..
amen. i'm totally there with you.
ReplyDeletetry to remember that your taking on the housework makes the world go round. nobody would get to the door to go to work, get the mail, or go to the store if you didn't take care of the house. and making dinner for you and yours can be lovely, it can also be sweet and simple. heat up the tacos, hit the 7-11. enjoy it. and when you look at yourself and want to hit the wall, just take a breath, and remember that in good time you'll be doing something that makes you feel better.
in the meantime, enjoy the house, and take an occasional walk.
i quit my job as a financial advisor today and just did a post about it. i think i'm bound to go through some of the same feelings in the next few months (although, I have to say, I love grocery shopping and cooking so the 7-11 thing does not apply... but the cleaning...)
ReplyDeleteHoly hell, I'm so glad you posted this. I am starting to go through this same quilt (and I'm not even Catholic). I just quit my day job, otherwise known as the one that helps pay the bills, in order to jump into my creative passion which is interior design.
ReplyDeleteI'm starting a styling/consulting business, but it will be small and not bring in too much money and I feel terrified by that. The husband is the same way as yours, which makes me feel even more quilty. What's a gal to do?
Did i just really say quilt? My Gawd! Guilt, people, guilt.
ReplyDeletejess, the important thing is that you were consistent. i was totally buying it.
ReplyDeleteeven started feeling quilty myself.
i plan on using the word quilt in future when discussing housework. it seems *somewhat* appropriate.
ReplyDeletealso, yes. i hear you. loud and clear. holy hell, do i hear you esb.
I love that you post about these things. I go through the same drama over here, it's nice to know I'm not alone! Lets try to enjoy it, life is short.
ReplyDeletemedium shmedium.
ReplyDeletebeing a teacher/illustrator leaves my summers typically paycheck-less. i used to feel guilty when my housewifey bursts were infrequent.
but i'm beginning to love our extreme switch from immaculate to pig-sty, and our 2am taco bell trips.
i'll probably miss it when we have kids and hafta grow up.
EXACTLY HOW I FEEL. That's what I love about your blog, and most others here on blogspot. I can finally relate and not feel so isolated in my apartment. Yes, we may be sitting in front of our computers in our homes but there truly is a palpable world, and friends, beyond those pixels.
ReplyDeleteI adore you
Moral of the story is: I dreamed of being a starving artist back in high school (fueled by IFC shorts and delusions of a pulitzer novel). Now as a busted, twenty-something girl with a boring 9-5, I come home from work and wonder why I never had the balls to take a chance.
ReplyDeleteSuddenly dishes aren't that big of a deal.
See what I'm sayin'?
I hear ya. I went from a 60 hour a week job in advertising to starting my own business that I run from home. I can't help but feel guilty b/c I'm doing what I really have always wanted to do...and I'm home. I feel compelled to be more wifey, but hate being "wifey" at the same time. I'm totally schizo. I blame my feminist mom.
ReplyDeleteyou're awesome.
ReplyDeletethe end.
I could have written this!
ReplyDeleteTurns out I don't like being paid for by my husband. And that although I shouldn't, I suddenly feel I have become responsible for cleaning and other parts of the housework that are his share, I do. And then guilty that I haven't done them because I am spending my time applying for jobs.
Actually, it doesn't change when you have kids and "hafta grow up". There's still and ebb and flow and you still feel guilty and sometimes overwhelmed.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad to see that someone else feels the same way I do. I hate being a "housewife"; its the last thing I've ever seen myself doing.
I don't really feel guilty about it - is that weird?
ReplyDeleteMmm. I like what Amanda said. I did have the guts to go out there and try it, I've taken a break to put David through school and gain skillz and you know, I might try it again.
ReplyDeleteWhat I'm saying ESB is you have balls. Which should make you feel better when you are feeling quilty, no?
Find 30 minutes a day to not feel guilty. The good news is that your BLOG is inspirational and being a positive force right now is a worthy venture! We need positive.
ReplyDeleteoh.
ReplyDeleteIt feels so nice to know I am not the only one feeling this way. It is so wonderful of you to share these things!
seriously, this post is my life.
ReplyDeleteand about homeboy being a better dishwasher, i'm not allowed to scrub the shower because apparently, "[i] don't do it right". fine by me...
I share in the nebulous cloud of confusion that surrounds this lifestyle dilemma—-only I"m the jobless husband, and my wife is supporting me while I try to make it as a freelance writer. I write crumby $15 articles all day trying to feel like I contribute. On bad days, the house gets cluttered and I feel like I've let her down, and on good days, I get some writing done, clean all the rooms (especially the kitchen, she loves a clean kitchen), and spray some lavender mist in the air for panache.
ReplyDeleteI'm afraid that I/we won't move forward from this, and that our life together will be constantly nagged by my feelings of inadequacy and the stress that comes from it. I am a creative, talented, intelligent, educated man, but I can't get a job to save my life. I've written a book, for christ's sake!! and it's actually published! ha ha. And here I am, right now, sitting at the kitchen table thinking I should clean the litter box, wash the car, go to the bank——oh yeah, MAKE A LIVING. oh me oh my...
Holy crap! You just described my entire life...and this is the first time I've ever visited this blog! I think I must be in a very similar position as you are...now I have to go scour your "about me" section to see if this is true. I felt so alone, LOL!
ReplyDelete